Hey first off your wrist getting red and puffy is much much better than you cutting yourself, ok? Keep on doing that if it helps. Second, as Madie said, please do not kill yourself. In any way, shape, or form. I don't care if that's being overly reckless or actively seeking out death. It will still be absolutely devastating for everyone who cares about you. If you ever really feel like you want to die, please tell someone you know who is not too far to do much. They will help you.

haha I'm a fucking mess and it's pathetic
 

so sorry to interrupt whatever serious heart-to-heart shit you people are having here with my irregularly scheduled meaningless drama~

I hate people with a big heart.

But no one seems to have one, anyway.
(Is it because people with big hearts always have room for more people and slowly you become just a piece of a bigger set in the heart of your only precious person?)
But you're lucky to have that one precious person, you know. I've never had such a thing, but a singular precious person seems rather ideal.
(I've thought about trying it your way before, but there's no one I've ever cared about so much that I would beg for their hatred because I'd rather be hated than forgotten; and there is certainly no one who has ever cared about me enough to hate me in such a manner.)

-
In the past, I've left a lot of fraying threads uncut, but now I have finally burned all my bridges.
Outside of family, my therapist, and my psychiatrist, I converse with a singular person regularly, and a second only occasionally.
I don't talk to people at my school. I am lonely, but it's not as though approaching them would make a difference. I'd just be falling into the same old traps again, you know?
What's the point in being one in a set; but I've never even been that.
How long have I been a drifter, an outsider? Pathetic.
But so are all of them.

I've burnt all my bridges, bar a few. But the ones I haven't burned are broken anyway. It's not as if anyone ever tries to contact me.

And the one who does-- it doesn't matter. I hate people with a big heart and his feelings make me sick leave me alone I don't want your disgusting affection give it to someone who deserves it and leave me alone. I want to be alone because being lonely alone is so peaceful; it's being lonely in a crowd that tears you apart. I want to be alone leave me alone Joseph, leave me alone mom and dad leave me alone!

I don't want your "love" I don't want your torture you are choking me let me go

-
You know, I had a datemate. Me! A datemate! Laughable. I could never love anyone who wasn't fictional and tragic. Was I guilted into this relationship? I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't understand feelings, but perhaps I had some. I supposed that I cared about her. But if you are going to date me then you had better commit better know how fucking difficult I am God Nichole I don't even have to TELL you to leave me alone and you're supposed to be my fucking girlfriend!
We're in the same damn place for once after two years and you have the audacity to make friends? You don't care about what I care about so how could I care about you? You had the audacity to give others attention over me and you didn't even fucking try didn't even fucking notice!

Do you see how difficult I am, Nichole?
I'm not betraying you, I'm saving you.
Not that you'll notice. Not that you'll care.

Not that anyone cares.

This isn't even the fucking half of it, but it's too troublesome to articulate the rest of it.

Closing statement: I need someone who will shoulder my hatred and die with me because my hate, amongst other things, destroys me. [Feelings, in general, destroy.]

I'm sorry. I'm no good with words, unlike most of the people here who seem to know the right things to say. But I'm not like them, so all I can say is sorry. I know it's so flippin pathetic, but I want to help. I'm just not good at helping.

I hate myself. I'm a train wreck waiting to happen. I when I finally do crash, I'm going to hurt a hell of a lot of people.

you do not deserve to be hated by anyone, least of all yourself. If I'm honest, I don't know shit about you, but I can tell you 100% you don't deserve to be hated. you deserve love, and respect, and friends who will make horrible puns to make you feel better. You deserve to binge watch sitcoms until your sides hurt; you deserve to see Bastille live in concert; you deserve a thousand blue pixie stix. You deserve to be kissed by someone who makes the world stop spinning, and to have your hand held. You deserve that moment when the most upright teacher in your school accidentally cusses and the whole class freaks out; you deserve to spontaneously get dragged out of the house by a best friend you haven't even met. You deserve to see every movie pixar will make in the next fifty years, and to find a fucking amazing burger joint that no one knows about, and to laugh until you snort and people look really confused. That's what you deserve. Not hatred. You don't deserve that any more than any of your friends or your family do. So buckle in because you're going to be here for a while.

i honestly could not have said it better.

I just want school to start already and I want to be able to easily find food that I can eat without gagging and feeling sick and I don't want to ever stand up again

Thanks AA, everyone's trying to help me and make me feel better, but I just keep complaining. I honestly feel like a useless human. Like everyone has a purpose but me. Here I go again, self centered and self pitying. I'm a pretty despicable human. And honestly, I don't diserve you guys. But thanks for being here for me anyways.

Hey you are in no way self centered at all, ok? And you are definitely not a useless human. You in every way deserve love and good friend and people to help you out, ok?

Eh it's a process. We know that one cute post is not going to make everything better. But it's still worth the effort to us because you are not useless to us. My purpose in life is to help people, so if you can help me with that like you are, that gives you a purpose however small.