lol seee, don't mind meee~

that's okay. you're not self-centered and you're not useless. everyone feels that way sometimes. but you won't one day, and you need to see that day come, okay?

mAyBe I sHoUlD dIe

maybe you should stay alive bc you are loved
hang in there ok

why should i stay alive because i am loved
because people will be sad that i am dead?
but i am selfish

no it's because being loved makes your life worth living
and shit really is going to get better ok

You know what hurts me the most? The fact that it's not just me. I could deal with it if it was just me that had problems, just me that felt broken, just me who wanted to kill themselves some times. But it's not. It's thousands upon thousands of people who feel this way. And if so many people feel this way, if there's so many terrorist attacks, sexual assaults, murders, abused children and adults. Is this world worth living in? Say, if I make it past this "rough spot" I could move to LA and be walking home one night, slightly tipsy, after a night out with my friends. As I'm walking by that one ally that I always joke about being a place where serial killers hide, a man in ratty clothes jumps out at me, pulls me into the ally and does god knows what with me. Maybe he kills me, maybe he rapes me then kills me, maybe he just rapes me. Or, maybe he steals all of my money, my apartment key. Maybe he beats me up and leaves me lying in that ally for the rats to nibble at.

I'm aware that this probably won't happen to me, but it happens to some people, It happens to real people, people who live and breathe. People who had a best friend in elementary school, one that used to pretend to be a fairy with her as they ran across the grassy back yard of her house with their arms outstretched.

My point is, is this world worth living for? Is this world worth living in? I think about this way too much, and terrifyingly, I come up with No a lot more then I come up with Yes.

who do i trust anymore

Someday, you might be the reason someone still has faith in the world. You can make the world a better place. Yes, it's cheesy, but it's true. There are little bits of good in the world. Yes, there are terrible people and wars but there's also sunshine and cats and dogs who would love for you to pet them, and good books and rainy days and tea. These may not be as good as wars and other similar things are bad, but these are things people can live for.

The world sucks a lot of the time I'm not going to lie but for a lot of it it's beautiful and worth living in. There are assaults and attacks but there are also recoveries and people learning how strong they are and there are sunrises after staying up late thinking too much and watching bad movies and there are hurt people learning how to count the flowers again and learning how to see shapes in the clouds again and there are terrible people but there are also soft and kind people people with sunshine in their soul even if there's some cloud coverage sometimes and there are people who need help and you can be someone to help someone. Thats important and lovely. Theres stargazing and forgetting how to breathe when you see something too beautiful and there's astrology quizzes that make you laugh and there's Monty python movies and there's humanitarian work and there's that one person you don't know very well but they're always smiling and there's that family you see in the supermarket with the kid who gets far too excited at the sight of Reese's puffs and there's the soft woman who walks down the street so gently she glides and there's that one clumsy kid who sits next to you in science these are all small reasons you need to keep living. You can't just give up on the world. There is so much here worth living for, worth saving. It's really hard right now and that isn't going to change immediately. But don't kill yourself, not today.