The Writer's Block - Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain.

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- - Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 360903)

o_o I despise Algebra with every fiber of my being.

Who cares if I'm an “A” student in all my other classes EXCEPT Algebra (and Spanish but that doesn't count it's just an elective anyway)? When I'm doing my Algebra work, I feel like a total failure.

"A chemist wants to make [insert number here; the test told me what it was, but I don't want anyone trying to solve it for me, that would be cheating] liters of a 7% acid solution by mixing a 9% acid solution and a 4% acid solution. How many liters of each solution should the chemist use?"

I'm sorry, but, here’s where the whole right-brained left-brained thing gets in my way. (A person who is "left-brained" is often more logical, analytical and objective, while a person who is "right-brained" is more intuitive, thoughtful and subjective. Left-brained people are better at Math and Science. Right-brained people are better at Reading and Writing. I’m a right-brained person, so it's hard for me to submit to following steps I don’t understand for the sake of solving the problem. I NEED to grasp the meaning behind why each step is taken, or my brain goes off on a tangent.)

The immediate thought tangent I went off on after reading this “acid solution problem”:
This chemist person seems to have something better to do than doing all this crazy percentage work. Is that why he's making me do it for him? Sheeish. Why can't he just go out and buy the [insert number here] liters of 7% acid solution? Is he stranded on a deserted island with me and we have an unlimited amount of 9% acid solution and 4% acid solution, and desperately need to make it into the [insert number here] liters of 7% acid solution or we're going to die? o_o (I'm NOT trying to mock this, I'm serious. O_O) When am I going to need this kind of math to help me get a job and keep it? And what KIND of job would this be useful for? I can tell you now, I don't know what I'm going to be when I grow up, but I certainly won't be a chemist. So…um…what? D: I'm so stupid.

o_o
I started to get angry at myself. All I wanted to do was rip my Math notebook to shreds. HOWEVER: Doing that would be a real waste of paper. (sorry, trees). Not to mention unhealthy. Such a surge of adrenaline and stress hormones takes a toll on your heart after the years go by. And getting angry never solves the problem. It just makes it worse, actually.

When I realized I was stumped, and felt the anger beginning to simmer inside of me, threatening to boil over, I asked myself, “How are you going to react to this, Ash? What’s the best way to do this?”

In short, I wrote a nice note to my teacher saying I haven't the foggiest idea how to answer that problem, and I've tried my best to understand it with my textbook and using online Algebra help, but I still don't understand how to solve that problem. I also mentioned that I'm getting an Algebra tutor. (Thank GOSH someone in my family understands this crazy foreign mathematical language. X_x)

Me.
Getting a tutor.
...
Half of me wants to scream, the other half just wants to go take a nap and forget about all this. ;w;

*headdesk*

GAWD I HATE ALGEBRA TOO. HATE IT.
HATE.
I'm really frickin frustrated with my homework. >_<;

Quote:

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 360904)

It took me quite a long time to understand simple interest and I realize why I've gotten every problem wrong is that I multiplied the principal with the time as well.

I grasped simple interest and % off fairly quickly. It's just when I get into the whole, "what's 15% of 89% of half of three-fifths of 1,000" thing that my brain dies on me. x_x

I hate Algebra, but I actually kind of like Geometry. 0_0 I think it's because it deals with the physical world instead of number theories and empty equations and such. AGAIN, right-brain dominant way of thinking. x_x

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 360911)

GAWD I HATE ALGEBRA TOO. HATE IT.
HATE.
I'm really frickin frustrated with my homework. >_<;

:^B Just wait until you're doing freshman-level Algebra. It's even MORE frustrating. x_x

I am so alone. I'm always ignored. No one bothers trying to talk to me, and whenever I try to start up conversation no one listens.
I feel invisible.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 360925)

I am so alone. I'm always ignored. No one bothers trying to talk to me, and whenever I try to start up conversation no one listens.
I feel invisible.

http://gifs.gifbin.com/052012/1337880370_cat_hug.gif
Kitty does not think you're invisible! HUG THE KITTY AND FEEL BETTER. :3

Eh, I know how you feel...it's hard being the goldfish in a tank of guppies. :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 360903)

Yeah, I feel the same way sometimes. I'll feel crappy when I don't understand something. And there's always that one jackass who boasts, "Oh, these were so EASY. I got through them in five minutes flat!" -_-

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruza (Post 360936)

Exactly. ;w; I feel like there's something wrong with my brain and that's why I can't understand it.

Ugh. I HATE IT when people are like that. I just want to slap them. ._. But, of course, that would be wrong, so I usually just tell them, "That's very nice. I'm glad it's so easy for you. But I, unfortunately, am having a problem understanding how this works. Unless you want to help me out, PLEASE leave me alone." If they keep prattling on about how awesome they are for understanding it, I can typically just pull out something they don't understand that I do, and that shuts them up 99% of the time. "Oh, really? That's nice. But have you read the unabridged version of The Prince and the Pauper and can tell me how the Pauper's mother knew the Prince posing as her son wasn't really her son? NO? You've never read it? Well, have fun with your math problems, then!"

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 360830)

"I dunno about me, but I know about you. Clemmy cloo!" -PewDiePie

You like the walking dead. New BFF. :P

I LOVE the walking dead. *high-five*

I kind of hate my parents sometimes.
I finally admit that I feel much better talking to people on the Internet than I do to them about everything; that most all of my problems are shared to friends I haven't even seen in real life because they're the ones that help me the most.
I tell him this and the only thing he says is, "That's a problem. You're obsessed with the computer; going on and writing and chatting with complete strangers you don't even know. No computer until you've got your grades straightened out."
And then he walks away and yells at me to not lock my door because "we don't do that in this household".
Sometimes I wonder if he just cares about having a smart daughter that's socially acceptable and does everything he says than having a daughter that is happy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMoonWakedWolf (Post 360989)

I'm sorry. I almost feel like I can relate. "we don't lock doors in our household." I really, really, really, really, really,really fugging hate my mom.

Oh my fucking god. You guys, I'm ranting. /woot

...okay. I walk out of Morning Meeting. I want to get to class. I'm in a hurry because I don't want to sit next to *creeper* boys, I want to be with my friends. Teacher A (henceforth referred to as 'A') comes up with attendance sheet in hand, asks me if I'll take it to the office. I decline because I'm in a hurry...as I mentioned before. Also, it's not for my advisory, and kids are all around us. A should have no trouble getting other students to take it. I set off for class when I am stopped by Teacher B (henceforth referred to as 'B'). B has apparently witnessed the at least ending of what has just occurred, meaning my declination, and is mad at me. Whoop-dee-doo. I try to defend myself, but B's having none of it, even though now I really WILL be late for class and I hope to god the last spot's not near a creeper boy. He started lecturing me and at one point says, "I know you can do better. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and you've walked away. Do you know what I'm talking about?" My reaction to that on the outside is *small, pitiful nod.* My reaction on the inside: "Dafuqqqqqqq?????" Because, um, actually, it's just a small thing and he doesn't have to make such a big deal of it, saying it was rude of me and I'm "so kind NORMALLY" blah blah shit. And it IS the first time he's taken me aside like this, acting all bitchy because I wouldn't do a small favor for someone. I was trying to tell him that I needed to get to class and that was why, but he misunderstood and said "No. Right now you're here talking with me." And internally I was all "facepalm" but on the outside I was just: ....uh-huh. Yep. Whatever you say. And so this goes on for far too long and finally, FINALLY, after several escape attempts because I really effing need to get to class, he lets me go with a "now, I would like you to keep this exchange confidential--between you and me" and a raise of the eyebrows. As if that's supposed to mean something, me keeping a motherfucking secret for him. Whatever. So I don't actually agree to anything, but I give him the impression like "yeah, uh-huh, yep, whatever you say" which was basically my entire generic response to the conversation. Then I get to class and start my internal fuming. Why me? Why today? Why the fuck can't he just let me get to class? Why was he making such a big motherfucking deal out of it? What's wrong with him today? And most importantly, WHAT. THE. FUCK. Because that was just... no. That should not have happened. He's making a mountain out of a molehill and then backing himself up by saying "this has happened before." Before? BEFORE? Are you fucking kidding me? Don't you think I'd remember if he'd taken me aside and shaken his metaphorical fist in my face and basically lectured me on the fucking importance of BEING KIND? Yeah, I think I'd remember that. But noooo, nothing comes to mind when I do a brain search--"B taking me aside to lecture, bringing up several disgustingly inaccurate points and ultimately making me moody for the rest of the day, as well as late for class." Because that's what happened. And it shouldn't make me so mad. But it does. I've known for the past couple of days now, been realizing it actually, that I am completely and totally emotionally unstable. I can't cope with fucking ANYTHING--be it a complaint from a parent, just thrown around as a side remark but it bounces around in my head all day, begging attention and thought and oh no, what if it really is true? What if I'm not capable of taking initiative at all?, or be it a little scoff from a popular girl, "that's stupid," it shouldn't make me want to cry, should it? I don't ever give fucks for popular people--why should I start now? So basically, yeah, my emotions are a mess. And so there and then at school in the middle of class, I decide something: I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to shed tears over something as fucking trivial as false accusations and lectures that only make me late for class. I'm just fucking NOT. And I don't. And I haven't yet today. And I don't think I ever will, because I'm not even crying while writing this, and that is a motherfucking huge accomplishment for someone as fragile as I am when it comes to feelings. I can pretend all I want, but really I'm a train barreling down a track at breakneck speed towards another train, emotions, coming at an equally ferocious rate, and it's not the collision itself--it's the second before, when I can see the train coming, closer, closer, I know it's going to hit, closer, and the worst part is--I can't do anything about it. I'm NOT IN CONTROL. And I wasn't in control for the past couple of days. My mom would make an offhand remark, I would curse her out so bad she'd ground me till my dying day under my breath and look out the window determinedly but still the tears would come, hot and prickling over my eyelids, and I've never felt so pathetic as I have in the last few days, when I'm a ball of yarn and something's unraveling me but I'm all knots inside so the unraveling, instead of lifting burdens and being relaxing, is loosening the outside and tightening the inside and I'm afraid because I'm going to break at any second. Today, for once, I managed to get a hand on the brake of my train. I slowed the collision for one more second. For just one day, I was in control.
But tomorrow. Tomorrow it's not going to be like that. Tomorrow, I'm afraid, I'm so afraid, because tomorrow is the train wreck. I'm going to crash and I want to die and I want to kill myself before the crash because at least I would be in control for ONE MORE SECOND but I can't kill myself because that's stupid, selfish, bigoted, and who says I'm not deserving of pain? I'm deserving of whatever's coming tomorrow. I'm deserving of the pain that it's going to bring me. I'm going to go through my crash and come out crippled and I am not going to fight back. I wish I could. But the only way I can think of fighting is killing myself, because then I won't feel anything at all, I'd truly win, would I not? And yet, and yet. I can't kill myself. Firstly I have nothing to do it with. Secondly I could never follow through (bitchy coward I am). Thirdly I must think of the others, not so selfishly of myself, of the others who need me and who look up to me--not that anyone does, but I'd like to THINK that someone does, it's going to keep me going, it's keeping me going. I am not happy. I am not sad. I feel nothing but angry and that pains me. I want to laugh and cry and hope again and I don't know how and most of all I want HELP. I'm tired of my voice being ignored and drowning in my unseen and unheard crashing emotions. I'm so tired of everything and I really do want to die sometimes, I swear it. But I've already listed why that mustn't happen, yesterday night I was listing people I love so that I could feel something else that wasn't so dreary and moody and angry and crashing and ferocious: gratitude. I am so, so lucky, and I won't ever forget that. But right now I need more than luck. I need help. I don't want to hear how amazing and strong I am--I don't care about that. I want to hear others' stories: I want to help. Because helping others helps me, and that rings true even this morning with the episode of A and B, and I didn't help so I wasn't helped and I got real bitchy but I made this post and this is my plea for help: tell me what's wrong. I want to not destroy and de-story, de-structure, demise. I want to build and fix and learn and HELP. I think it's one of the only ways I can fix myself, too.