I know what you mean about feeling a need to prove yourself, I think.

You're not a horrible person. I know that. If it helps at all… you can email me if you want. I'm not good at advice or stuff like that, but I can try. :/

You are one of my closest friends on KidPub. I mean, we ARE dancing buddies afterall. XD But you are an AMAZING friend and person, and you shouldn't need to prove yourself. :( I hate seeing you like this, Pokes.

If you wanna talk, my email is caleigh.meeks@gmail.com :/

Emotion: Numb. Utterly, helplessly numb.

I don't know if that even counts as an emotion. I haven't been following this thread, but I know you guys have a lot to deal with, so you don't really have to bother reading this anyway. I just really need to get this out.

About two years ago, my parents had a huge fight out of the blue. Six people, a mother, a father, three girls and a young boy were all in tears. The kids sat on the couch while the mother and father accused each other of "ruining the family". The mother was harsher, and though the father was calm, I could tell that he was immensely upset. I remember running into the hallway, in the dark, just collapsing on the floor and holding myself, wanting to wake up. I remember pinching myself to see if I would, hoping I would. The mother had her bags packed and she was ready to leave, though she wouldn't tell us where she was going. She told the eldest sister to be calm and be brave in the eyes of her younger siblings. She was close to leaving, so close.

But she never did. She stayed home at night, though she refused to sleep in the same bed -- the same room -- as the father.

Soon enough, the relationship between the mother and father began to smooth out. It was like a wound healing. They laughed, hugged, kissed, and said, "I love you" to each other. We were happy again. That horrible night was forgotten.

But almost a year to date of that first incident, the roles were reversed, and the father threatened to walk out. It was one of the most stupid arguments I have ever witnessed between my parents. I knew the mother was right -- the father was just being too gosh-darn stubborn to agree with her. It could have had a perfect ending would he just have opened his eyes and stopped being so bull-headed.

But the father never left, even though he, too, had had his bags packed.

After those two events, the chronology of my parents' relationship became very distorted. It was fighting on and off, always behind the children's backs, never in broad daylight, and so we were only vaguely aware of what was going on. Apparently, they had been upset with each other for years. The kids had never known as much. I remember writing into this Mailbox Club, a bible study thing for kids, and asking if they would pray for my parents. And for a while, it seemed as if the prayer worked.

But peace never stayed long, and the mother talked to the kids about divorce. She explained that she no longer loved the father, that he was not the same man she married, that she couldn't live with him for much longer. He accused her of having anger issues and being irrational. She began to take depression pills, something that I would have never seen coming, not in a million years.

And that talk of divorce? It never fulfilled itself. Life went on. We lived together, had fun together, a family, sewn together as a whole, but losing stitches by the day. The threat of divorce loomed, and though it was repeatedly brought up, I began to see it as a lie. It would never actually happen. It was just a scapegoat. It was trickery and deceit, each time a parent said, "We're getting a divorce," and nothing happened. It was cruel and unfair to the children and scare us like that for no reason. But that's exactly what my parents did.

Tonight, not more than twenty minutes ago, the mother left to my grandparents' house to talk with my grandma about the issues between her and the father (whose birthday is today). Apparently, she's suddenly decided that they're filing for separation. "He might fight for the house," I think she said, referring to my dad. "From what I've heard, I'll probably keep the house."

"From what you've heard from who?" I asked.

"Oh, just people who have been in the same situation."

So she's been doing research, I thought. I was more angry than sad. I listened to her explain what was happening, though I was pretty much in a daze, wondering if I should believe her or not. After all, it wouldn't be the first time I was duped by this false idea of divorce (or separation -- I'll admit, that's new to me.)

"Since you guys are old enough, you might be able to pick where you go and who you go to..."

She was talking about us kids. Wait, so now we have to choose a parent? Well, I refuse. That's... unthinkable.

She was crying and her voice was breaking and she looked utterly miserable when she told me this. We were alone in the basement. The talk didn't last long. I haven't seen the father since, but I'm pretty sure he's keeping everything bottled up inside, as usual.

Story aside, here's the deal: I don't care anymore. My parents are separating? Alright. Wait, should I be... confused? Frightened? Mad? I don't know how to react. It's just sinking in, and I feel like I should be punching a hole in the wall or using up a box of tissues from crying so much, but I'm utterly emotionless.

I hate this feeling. I hate everything, and I wish that it would all just... stop.

Don't say that. I used to have a habit of cutting to... but I stopped. If you need help with anything Pokey, just ask me.

First of all, I want to say that I'm really sorry you've been going through all this. It's not fair to you or your siblings.

Second...numbness following a shocking and stressful event is totally normal--especially when you've already been stressed and upset over the situation. Your brain can only take so much negative chemistry. Then, to protect itself, it basically just starts blocking things out. It's like...a computer overheating. Before it takes permanent damage, the machine turns off. But, like a computer, your emotions WILL eventually turn on again. Don't be so hard on yourself. This whole situation has nothing to do with you.

And IF it turns out you have to choose, just know that you LEGALLY don't have to. The court can decide for you from an objective viewpoint. Just make it clear to the lawyers/judge and your parents that you refuse to pick. So don't worry about it. <:^J

If there's anything we can do for you, Leloo...just say the word. We love you, hon. Don't ever forget that.

It may hurt, but your parents just might have to separate. If they don't, your whole family may be bitter all the time. You have to think of your parents happiness too; they can't take care of you if they don't take care of yourself.

Though, let you're parents know that you still love them, both of them.

I do love both of my parents, with all my heart. And frankly, I want them to separate, to divorce, whatever, if it's going to end all the madness. If it's going to improve our lives, because I know it will. I just wish they would stop doing this, this game of cat and mouse, chasing each other in circles around us kids, keeping us wondering who will win in the end, if anyone, if ever.

I don't know much about divorce, so I can't offer advice, but your parents will cool off eventually and things will get better. And hopefully it won't go on for too long.
I can't think of anything else to say except that we're here for you. :/

*big sigh* Ah, thank you so, so much. That's a huge relief. I thought something was... wrong with me, I guess. That was a perfect analogy. Than you. :3

That's the thing... It usually cools down, but then boils up all over again, worse each time... :^/ Maybe there's a light in the tunnel after all, but we may never know. Thank you for being there. :3