I had a panic today. An idiot-boy stood in my way, smiling stupidly and pointing measuring cylinders that had just been emptied of dangerous chemicals at me. I panicked. I tried to kick him, but missed. He laughed. I couldn't cope. I ran for it, throwing apron and goggles down behind me. I just have no idea what to do. I want to be left alone by morons like that. If the way out of the situation was jumping off a balcony, I would do it, in sheer blind panic. It's pure instinct, animal fear.

my mom always said
it's the little things that make her happy
well
it's the little things
that
PISS ME OFF THE MOST
godf*ckingdammit
i didn't eat dinner last night
and then i tried to throw up my breakfast this morning
but
i can't make myself throw up
so i just
wretch pathetically
into the toilet
i really want to throw up though
it's really f*cking annoying
a;sldghs;alghsgd

Idiot people are idiots. I want to say I fell bad for you, but I'm not sure- I felt afraid when you explained that. The feeling translated through words.

second night in a row i've skipped dinner
dad confronted me
said he's 'concerned'
i almost told him everything
then
he said
'isn't there anything you could eat?'
nope
you don't get it dad
it's not about the food
i don't give a damn about the food
it's about my personal inner turmoiling sh*t
thank you very much
i think i shall ignore you
and turn up my music
full volume
so i can't hear you
or overhear your conversation with mom
about how it's not normal for me to not eat
(no sh*t, sherlock)
so i can't feel anything
but music
music
music
music
music



watching her as she's lighting up the night
nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
and it's a lonely world
but she's gonna let it burn baby
burn, baby
this girl is on fire
this girl is on fire
she's walking on fire
this girl is on fire

almost told him everything
everything what
please help me understand
what did you tell?

that i'm anorexic and possibly bulimic
and that i want to kill myself on occasion
and that i'm severely depressed
and self-harm
and
they
only
make
it
worse

oh honey
life doesn't matter
all that matters is when you cut the lifeline
then the tears are released
but
I guess I can almost say im proud that you said something
you were heard
and always remember i love you

hey guess what
my dad just started brainstorming
about what was making me not want to eat
i heard him with my mom
'i always ate a lot when i was a teen'
'yeah me too'
well
and then
'hey heather, you eaten dinner tonight?'
'no.'
'why not?'
'i'm just not hungry. that's all.'
'....you sure?'
'.................'
'i wonder if something's wrong with your stomach.'
'nothing's wrong with my stomach, dad.'
'well, maybe it's from lack of sleep.' (my dad uses this excuse for EVERYTHING about me)
'not everything is from lack of sleep, dad.'
'i didn't say it was!!!!!!' (sounding like petulant child)
'no, but you imply it frequently.' (under my breath)
'......'
'..................'
'........................'
'.......................................'
'are you anorexic?' (note the accusatory tone of this inquiry. it seems to suggest that if i AM, he's gonna deny deny deny deny, disown me, and/or murder me on the spot.)
'nO!' (how to lie to your parents: make the word ((usually either 'no' or 'yes')) very offended sounding, as if-- how dare you suggest such a thing! and Of course not! Don't be ridiculous! hahahahaha!)
/subjectwasthusdropped
and i kinda want to die now
not that i didn't already
but like
that's the only way i'd ever let them find out
is if i died
it would be in my will or something
because then
i wouldn't know their reaction
and
i wouldn't get hurt
more than i already am.

no no no no no no
i feel so useless right now
you can't die. you're too great to die like this. we love you too much.
you can get the hell away from your parents, if you want/need to, in a few years. and until then—even then—we'll do whatever we can to carry you through the pain.