Look, just one dude. If there was just one dude I know who might care about me, and things would be close to perfect. I sound ridiculously cheesy, but if I could argue about bands, laugh while watching movies, or do homework with some guy...things would be pretty awesome. But no, I'm just the relatively smart half-black chick (and I think I've said that before).

i would stab myself first, and then you
or you could shoot me first
and i could stab you as i fall
i don't want to die alone or together
please kill me

If you want to tell us, if it would help you should. Of course we would listen and care. *hugs*

Sophie, what happened?

For SilverMoon. Something I posted before.

my life
it got in the way and i had to run it over with a car
but i'm not sure who died first
friendship or hope

just kill everything
because we're all the same when we're dead.

Keep your head up. You're only thirteen, things can get much better from here.

He likes me. I don't like him. Do I like him? It's so confusing...

Thanks LST and Lily. ^_^

I have several things to vent about. If anyone's read my poetry, it has a lot to do with my life. I often find it very hard to write due to... Well, things. I mean, my things may seem small to you people, but you don't know THEM the way I do.

They are everything to me. My friends. Sometimes I think they understand me better than my family.

This is me-- I'm friendly enough, but I'm a bit crazy like most of KP and a bit agressive. I'm nice enough to my acquaintances (to those less than, I'm gruff and not the best person to ask a favor of) but I don't trust easily and it takes a lot to actually consider someone my friend. I mean, maybe I'm a bit more open on KP, but... Eh.

I've known them... Like, six years. We're really close, even now when we're separated and fractured.

The first year, we were just acquaintances. The second year, we were good friends. We were young, but one of them made me his valentine. I thought it very sweet. The third year, we were best friends to more than that. There were five of us, technically, with some extra friends not quite so close.

I go back and look at pictures of me then, I'm happy, innocent, and unburdened. The look in my eyes... It's so joyous, I wonder how much my life would be different if I had stayed like I was before the first year.

It was the fourth year where things got rocky. Two of them transferred for a math program, the other two betrayed me for about half the year. I mean, it was okay at best and agonizing at worst. There were high points. I made a new super close friend and a couple more acquaintances, there were certain times with the remnants of the Old Gang, as I call it, and school was fine. But there was the betrayal, the feud, and my constant alone-ness. You may not consider this very important, but they don't mean to you what they mean to me.

I was trying to sort out my feelings with one of them, sort out differences with two others, and one of them... I just... Missed dreadfully. The most straight forward of them? ********. The one who was amazing, yet so confusing concerning feelings? *****. The one who didn't always understand, but did his best to help, at least after the feud? ****. The one who could be so infuriating, yet shared more similarities with me in some ways, at least after the feud? *****. It hurt like heck. I missed them SO much, and even those still with me were... Distant. Different. The two that had left... They were the ones who held us together. Always.

I remember when the good news came. It was summer after the fourth year. I got news that they would be coming back. I... I was overjoyed, but also had my doubts. What if they were different? What if they didn't care anymore? Well, they came back. ******** was in my class. All of them I hung out with at recess. ***** and **** I got to spend time with at breakfast. ***** and I shared a distant yet closer bond. Our relationships were complicated.

There were way more ups than downs in that amazing fifth year-- though not so unburdened as the third. We picked back up from where we had left off, but there were a lot of loose ends. Still trying to figure out feelings with *****, we had those amazing moments, just us two. ******** and I got even closer. ****, *****, and I had those moments too. We were all closer.

But good times came to an end, and they had to leave again. ***** and ********, I mean. The ones who left before.

Now, we're well into year six. I have no classes with **** and *****. I have made other friends, almost as close as the Old Gang. This group? We call ourselves the Crazy Eight. I'm friends with them, but my missing is strong. It is very hard to explain, but there are miles deep bonds here. At some points, I'm happy, but other points such as now, I can't begin to describe the deep currents of nostalgia and bitterness...

My life, like so many others, is one big what if. It was a bloody miracle they came back in the fifth year. There's a chance they'll come back in the ninth year, but I may need another miracle...

I can't help missing those whose bonds with me are deeper than anything, who, whether with me in flesh or not right now, have all changed. Heck, I've changed. Change is a part of life.

But it's all too much. I can't describe it, deep enough. I can't describe it, I just can't. This ^^ is all I can describe it as, but words can't even begin to describe my feelings, plus there are some things I'm holding back. Wow. Opening up makes me feel so... Vulnerable. Like I've laid out all the gears that make me tick on a table, and said, "This is me. Me, in all my weakness..."

I doubt y'all will understand. But I had to get that vent out.

All my missing... :(:(:(:(

It's okay to keep missing them, and remembering all of the good times you had together. But you're remembering the best moments as well as the most important, so you may think that they were better than the group you have now. You shouldn't compare them, because there is no way to make a fair comparison. Try to be as happy as you can with your group now, and don't feel as if not missing your old gang every day means that you're betraying them.

Feeling vulnerable about opening up to people is perfectly normal. But if you open up to people you trust, then it is a safe place, and no one will use it against you.

When I went to secondary school, I missed my friends in my old class so much. I can't even keep in contact with most of them. But I don't obsess over it any more, and I can move on.