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did i just have a mini panic attack
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I did yesterday. Sometimes I can't focus. Sometimes my train of thoughts goes like this - literally.
I think-WilliamShakspeare'sMacbeth-bothwritersuse-SherlockHolmes-Grimm'sfairytales-inacottageinthewoods-calmdown-pantheratigris. I have to move to get the feeling of trappedness out of me, but I can't, the room is just the same so its sameness stops me concentrating. This always seems to happen in exams. My attention span was about as long as the alphabet. |
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Are you ok? *hugs* |
i hate you so much jeez i mean what the hell do you want me to say "oh poor baby im so sorry" dammit no i wont say that "sophia youre acting so superior" well what am i supposed to say im sorry you cant pay attention to save your lives and i hate all fo you anyway
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Life is good right now, aside from the fact that I have a crush, the homework and my legendary forgetfulness. Visiting the EVT sometimes triggers me, but I'd feel really useless without reading it for some reason. I cut once to calm the test and homework stress and I could work everything out as efficiently as I can. My parents aren't even fighting any more.
I don't know what's up at all. I see people telling others not to refrain from venting and everyone's vents will be answered, but that's not really the case. My vents aren't severe at all, but even vents about music videos get more acknowledgement than mine do (stop being jealous, Lauren, sorry, Ash). 8| |
What's wrong with me? I can't sleep anymore. I can't think clearly. I feel so messed up.
http://www.kidpub.com/story/mental-disaster-447137210 Sorta says what I feel. That's what poetry is for. I think there's something wrong with me, more than just depression. I think I'm crazy. The scary crazy. I need help. I need to see a therapist or someone who can actually help me before I hurt myself or someone around me. |
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I hope you're okay, Lazty. |
I cracked and just threw a punch in his spine. Of course the people around me broke out in "If she punched me I would've..."s and "Oh my god what is wrong with her..."s. The art teacher went nuts and tried to have justice or whatever and told the principal, but no, I'm just a sad, sad lesbian to the principal, so he just had a talk with the asshole.
Later in the day, someone directly asked me why I did it, so I explained how I was tired of his shit. "Why didn't you just say 'stop it'?" --asked my friend in an incredulous and patronizing tone. Words full of shit have been thrown at me for nine years. "Stop it" has never worked. She kind of rolled her eyes and made a face, saying that she doubted it and I wouldn't have understood what they were saying. Of course I knew that they were making fun of me, any fool can tell when you're made to look like you're lower than everyone else. This shit has been going on for the majority of my life, and just because you've never had to cut to assure yourself that you're not going insane, or escape from reality with music, or watch your family fall apart, or think such self-destructive thoughts, does not make you better than me. I'm so fucking sick of all of this. I just feel so terrible now. Unnoticed, unremarkable, freakish, repulsive. I can't stand it. I need to get out of here. They can't call themselves my friends. They're horrid morons. I need to get out of here. None of it's right. I am forced to handle coexisting with them while I have to battle my own, irrelevant thoughts and look away from the blades. I don't know what to do. |
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