(1) .......or do you?

(2) metaphor/pitch black both
i'm an insomniac.
when it's dark, it means "sleep" to you guys, but for me "toss and turn and sweat and think about things i'd rather not"

(3) i can't anything. zip. zero. nada.
ex.
i can't sleep
i can't MATHHHH
i can't..like.....a lot of things that i wish i could.

insomnia sucks.
but i refuse to take pills
TAKE THAT DOCTOR!!!
/walks away evil-laughing/

i used to have a wall, like sam winchester.
except, i never really forgot.
the wall just prevented me from thinking of it.
i pushed what happened down and covered it up with a wall of fake happiness. because i didn't want to believe that was what really happened. things like that didn't happen to me. things like that didn't happen with the people it involved.
one day, i scratched too hard. i scratched and poked at it until there was a hole in the wall. and soon, i started to think about it a bit more and more and more.
and now i know what really happened.
now i cant stop thinking about it.

and l and e,
don't say that.
don't say online friends can't help me.
please don't.
i talk to you, l, about a few problems that i know i can talk to you about. why can't that be good enough?
and e, i can't talk to you about anything. you say you're here to listen, but you never respond well. it's always 'be happy!' or 'don't cut!' but you don't understand.
i know you guys want to know how im feeling. i know you two want me to trust you. but you guys dont understand that i can't trust you, i won't let myself trust you. because it's not that you did anything wrong, it's that i never let myself trust you guys in the first place. especially not e. never, not even when i liked her.
and if i told you about my cutting and how i felt about myself, it wouldn't help. because even though you'd say im good enough, it's not true. you guys wouldn't think it's true if you knew the reason for my cutting and suicidal thoughts. you guys would judge me and say im lying and walk away.
l and e, i can't trust you.

Sandy, Y U NO STOP TALKING?
 

I'm going to reply to this in the most honest way I can.

I know exactly how you're feeling, Ash--this embarassment you're describing, not only does it more or less consume my life with my writing, but my art as well, so you could say that I know the same embarrassment twice... so I'll do my best to offer some thoughts/advice on this.

Is it because I know some people don’t want to take me seriously when they hear I’m a writer? Is it because they appear to be almost amused with me?

"Writing" is not something that most people take seriously. Neither is "art." People don't listen when someone says they want to be an artist, or a writer, actor, singer, dancer, etc, when they grow up. Their natural response is to laugh, maybe think "Haha, that's cute," and then move on and wait for you to choose a "real" job. As you get older, "Haha, that's cute," may morph into more of a "Haha, that's ridiculous," and other, "safer" careers might be forced into your face--nursing, teaching, medical care, any trade.
This is happening to me right now. In grades seven and eight, art was nonexistent, more or less. It was a non-career. Something done in spare time, for people to chuckle at and say, "Haha, that's cute." When it came to choosing a career, the guidance counselor would stroll into our classroom and start talking about these careers that I had no remote interest in. Carpentry. Auto repair. Welding. Construction. Now in grade nine, it's still happening. IB is much, much better, but is shaping me for just about every career except for what I want (at least, right now, in grade nine Pre-IB). I'm okay with this, because I understand why they're doing this--IB is my safety net in case my creative career doesn't start, ever.
And this is certainly a possibility. Writing, art, "bands", everything like that--none of it is taken seriously because they are art forms. Art (not just painting--I'm talking literature, photography, theatre, etc) is not a 100% reliable source of money, and right now, money is one of the only things people take seriously. So--and I hate to say this--you may keep getting those "amused" expressions, Ash. You may keep getting people who turn away with a subtle smirk, or chortle a little bit when you say, "I'm a writer." I know that I get those people--even my friends, as well as adults and people I'm not even familiar with--but most of the time it's myself. Don't let the amusement or the chuckles make you doubt yourself.

I’ve never been embarrassed to be a writer. Not until recently. Am I just subconsciously looking for an excuse to stay away from people? Am I getting tired of my own soul story? Am I getting tired of myself?

To be honest, this kind of surprised me. I know I've been feeling like this for my entire life, and a LOTTT of other creative people I know feel the exact same way. Every time I sit down to write or draw, I quickly run through all the reasons why I'm doing what I am. I never find any. Art (*okay, when I say art from now on, I mean THE arts, not just painting and stuff*) is futile. It may not give twenty thousand dollars to every starving child on the other side of the world. It may not send the next Hubble telescope into space. It may not stop Global Warming, or solve the human rights problems in China, or put a million bucks into my pockets. Heck, I don't even like the arts--they tear me apart. I lose myself in them and I can rarely pull myself back out; too consumed with trying to improve my art, I fall behind on my homework, my exercise; I give myself terrible joint pain from drawing for 15 to 17 to 20 hours straight. Why? Why go through all this pain for pretty pictures?
I feel like it's in my blood. The same way that Charlie, Amber, Vinny, Splice, Heckata, Troodainia, and any other spectacular thing you create is in yours. We both have creative drive--the same as everyone on KidPub does--that's a part of who we are.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, whenever someone mentions it—specifically someone I really look up to—I just want to dig a hole and bury myself in it, so I can just be forgotten.

Which brings me to my reasoning behind your reaction to people talking about your work.
I'm sure you know this already, but it's natural for you to feel awkward in real life. These people that you talk to about your writing--you've shown a part of your soul to them. On the other hand, they haven't shown you anything like what you've shown them. (At least, this is usually the case for me.) Sure, they may vent with you, share problems and emotions with you, but rarely anything they have created from literally nothing. Meanwhile, on KidPub, everyone is open and completely vulnerable when it comes to showing what they've created, which of course causes a massive amount of heated fights; KidPub is "on fire" with creative action, whether it's fleeting short stories or poems or long-lasting novels. People are passionate about their creativity--we show it, because we can hide our faces. We can put our most personal, private things (like our own creations) on here without having people seeing our faces/names/lives. In real life, this is the opposite--so, we hide what we love and do our best to protect ourselves.
I'm sure this feeling is enhanced when you have someone that you look up to seeing what you've created--their opinion MATTERS to you. This means that they have power over you; your respect for them is, in this case, either something they can use to support you or a weapon that they can use to cut you down; they've been given a gun in a knife fight, and I assure you, I've been shot plenty of times too.

I just want this feeling to go away, go away, go away—my list of hopelessly confusing feelings is already way too long; I don’t need to add another to the list.

Until you're in a fully creative or supportive environment (KidPub or group of close friends you trust with your work), it's not very likely that this feeling will completely fade. For me, at least, it's something that comes with being creative. There are a LOT of positives and negatives, and this is one of the negatives. My best suggestion is, if talking about WOT makes you uncomfortable, to stop bringing it up, and eventually it won't be spoken of anymore. This is what I did when my family started pointing out every guy in a top hat they saw on advertisements or the internet and screaming, "HEY, CASS, LOOK, IT'S VLADDOMIRE! HAHAH VLADOMIRE! OLOLOLOL"--I responded with a sneer-frown thing, a "mhhhm" of amusement, and then went back into my room, and eventually they stopped doing it.




(*SHORT VERSION*)
(*whistles*) Phew. o________o I SINCERELY apologize for all the rambling I just did, and the huge length of my response. I think a couple times I went onto rambles of self-discovery and looking back on it, I'm not sure exactly which parts... o_o Sorry for being off track. e___e My main point was: don't worry about the feeling. It's normal, it's natural, and don't let it stop you. The more you work through it, the less it will affect you.

shhh
you can find someone who will love you despite your flaws, and if they don't, you deserve someone better.
You'll be okay, someday… This won't drag you down. I won't let it. *hugs*

I am. ^.^ I'm going to try to get some friends from school to participate, too.

*hugs* it's okay. Just knowing that you care helps, sometimes.

i have found what makes me happy.
fanfiction makes me happy.
lots and lots and lots of happy fluffy fanfiction to read
lots and lots and lots of sad angsty fanfiction to write

yes
good

[quote=L.S.Trendom;447473]shhh
you can find someone who will love you despite your flaws, and if they don't, you deserve someone better. QUOTE]

i have much more flaws than just those. those are only tiny things.

Okay then
Read thousands of fanfictions!!
:D

[quote=BearWithAStrawberry;447479][quote=L.S.Trendom;447473]shhh
you can find someone who will love you despite your flaws, and if they don't, you deserve someone better. but the thing is, so does everyone. if you weren't flawed, hon, i'd be very very concerned. everyone has a million flaws and, as i believe a famous person once said, we are stitched together with good intentions. or something like that. i'm just paraphrasing, but the thing is, so long as you try to be good despite all of your flaws, i think you're just fine. and i know it's hard as hell to try. but we do it anyways. we wake up in the morning every day and we go to bed knowing the sun will rise again and those are some of the most difficult things in life to face, but you know what? we do it. i do it and you do it and everyone does it and we all know that we're in for the struggle but that's just a part of living. it's also why sometimes people don't want to live-- they get tired of trying. but in the end, i think it's better to try every day wishing that the sun burned out and we all would die rather than giving up and not seeing the greatest tomorrows we'd ever have.
yes, thank you. i will.

[quote=HeatherB;447483][quote=BearWithAStrawberry;447479]Best compliment I have ever recieved.
Thank you.

woah is the quote button fucking up

Thanks. I just think- I'm halfway between an insensitive bitch, and an overly empathetic girl.

NOthingNESS FIlls THE SOUl wiTH FALse HopE



killjoy



empty

nothing

gone with the wind



you may not know me but.....



smile, honey.

love yourself

remember....

remember me

never forget how to love.

the truth is, passion, love, adoration, laugh, and love some more.

thats what the truth is.

you are loved. dont ever forget that. be happy.

smile, honey.

i can't, but you should

smile, honey.

when you cry, smile.

for me, darling.

i'll hold you close

until eternity ends. remember that.

love, vi




show the world what they are missing out on.

expose your weakness.

embrace your flaws

smile, honey

i am such a hypocrite.

[quote=BearWithAStrawberry;447484][quote=HeatherB;447483]you're welcome.
... it was, i think? or maybe we just accidentally deleted a bracket thingy

Nearly always.

Do you really not talk the whole day? That might be hard--I'm just thinking what would happen if the teachers asked me a question--write 'day of silence' on my hand and wave it to her face?
I want to join, but how?
That's good. You're empathetic! More than me anyway.
WE'RE SOCIOPATHS /joins-hands-with-you-and-Rebecca-and-runs-into-le-sunset.
(Only optimistic way to approach this)
Are you okay?
Exactly what I was going to say.
That's better than I am. It's hard to stay consistent on being nice; everyone can be snappy.

http://i.qkme.me/35sggs.jpg


It happens all the time..... I get one comment every now and then and the only person who really is 'following' my story is Tygerblossom. Ash is okay too :)

So I never usually come on here but I figured this deserved it... or not.... ignore my complaints because some of you guys have terrible terrible situations that mine don't even live up to. But this is more of a mental problem then house or physical situation. I guess it could also be emotional.

I am jealous.


So jealous and I hate it.


I have had this problem SEVERAL times and I have mentioned it. I have told the people I was jealous of them and I couldn't help it because their writing was publish worthy. They were people on here, based off their extraordinary work. And now I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed to even call myself a writer. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't want to live up to their standard of writing and push myself down telling myself that I am just no good. I shouldn't tell myself everyone hates my work because I don't get the same pages of comments that the people I am jealous of do. I should be remorseful.

And I don't think that this has affected me and the person's relationship (unless they know something i don't) but I still feel that this terrible guilt will and I want it to go away. I don't want it. Go away, go away, go away you crazy jealousy.

I can't call myself a writer if I can't keep these feelings in check. I am sure dozens of millionaire authors desirous of other peoples work but look where they are! They have trillions of fans hugging and quoting their books, plastering memes and gifs everywhere, all for them. So how will I keep myself up if I push myself down? If I tell myself I am never good and should be contrite. I don't want that. I don't want jealousy that only causes regret.

I can't call myself a writer.

According to that quiz ^^ up there somewhere. I am a schizoid. O.o and I am paranoid.

Of course you're not alone. A lot of people get this problem.

Yeppppppp. ._.

*sighs*

Yerp.

I am a histrionic... lovely -_-

Don't take that thing too seriously! It's not 100% accurate.

Online tests can hardly ever be accurate.

Exactly. Except the insanity test...

And the idiot test. ;)

And the boredom test.

Kendra, we're all jealous of someone on KP. Well, maybe not all of us, but most of people on EVT are.

I'm insanely jealous of Tygerblossom.

*nods*

Thanks for trying to help... :)

I still don't know why.

It's just me being weird. She's so nice, and had lots of comments, and seemed intelligent, and had a similar name thus causing confusion. Tygerblossom - Tygress. I was here first, but whenever someone says Tyger, she's thought of, when I know William Blake's entire poem by heart, and probably way more about tigers, though this is arrogance, I think it is probably true.

Yes, but no one has ever called you Tyger. We either call you Tygress or Rebecca. I called you Tygress at first.
Frustration: The last maze thingy at the end of the boredom test.

People have assumed that Tygress means Tygerblossum and stuff.

Yeah, everyone else called me Rebecca and you called me Tygress...it's been a long time since I started commenting on Maasai and stuff.

Well, I would be jealous as well.
I wasn't on WB yet! That's why I know you as Tygress!

Get your tenses right, silly Lauren!

I'm tired! I was brain-dead!
That's why I knew you as Tygress!

Why am I overusing the exclamation mark!
(Oh, and I did that on purpose!)