Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 339846)

I made excuses. I rushed off to the bathroom. I stood up tall, looked myself straight in the eye in the mirror.
I started crying.
It's not like I'm any prettier when I cry either. My lip curls and my teeth stick out and they're all yellow and my face turns purply red.
Still crying, I blow my nose. I splash water in my face, dry it and look in the mirror.
I'm crying again.
Blow nose.
Water.
Dry.
Stand straight.
Leave the bathroom.
Come back to rehearsal, where everyone but me is happily dancing. Reside back to table of solitude. Cradle knees to chest. Wish rehearsal was over and wonder why I'm such a failure.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 339846)

I made excuses. I rushed off to the bathroom. I stood up tall, looked myself straight in the eye in the mirror.
I started crying.
It's not like I'm any prettier when I cry either. My lip curls and my teeth stick out and they're all yellow and my face turns purply red.
Still crying, I blow my nose. I splash water in my face, dry it and look in the mirror.
I'm crying again.
Blow nose.
Water.
Dry.
Stand straight.
Leave the bathroom.
Come back to rehearsal, where everyone but me is happily dancing. Reside back to table of solitude. Cradle knees to chest. Wish rehearsal was over and wonder why I'm such a failure.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 339846)

I made excuses. I rushed off to the bathroom. I stood up tall, looked myself straight in the eye in the mirror.
I started crying.
It's not like I'm any prettier when I cry either. My lip curls and my teeth stick out and they're all yellow and my face turns purply red.
Still crying, I blow my nose. I splash water in my face, dry it and look in the mirror.
I'm crying again.
Blow nose.
Water.
Dry.
Stand straight.
Leave the bathroom.
Come back to rehearsal, where everyone but me is happily dancing. Reside back to table of solitude. Cradle knees to chest. Wish rehearsal was over and wonder why I'm such a failure.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 339846)

I made excuses. I rushed off to the bathroom. I stood up tall, looked myself straight in the eye in the mirror.
I started crying.
It's not like I'm any prettier when I cry either. My lip curls and my teeth stick out and they're all yellow and my face turns purply red.
Still crying, I blow my nose. I splash water in my face, dry it and look in the mirror.
I'm crying again.
Blow nose.
Water.
Dry.
Stand straight.
Leave the bathroom.
Come back to rehearsal, where everyone but me is happily dancing. Reside back to table of solitude. Cradle knees to chest. Wish rehearsal was over and wonder why I'm such a failure.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 339846)

I made excuses. I rushed off to the bathroom. I stood up tall, looked myself straight in the eye in the mirror.
I started crying.
It's not like I'm any prettier when I cry either. My lip curls and my teeth stick out and they're all yellow and my face turns purply red.
Still crying, I blow my nose. I splash water in my face, dry it and look in the mirror.
I'm crying again.
Blow nose.
Water.
Dry.
Stand straight.
Leave the bathroom.
Come back to rehearsal, where everyone but me is happily dancing. Reside back to table of solitude. Cradle knees to chest. Wish rehearsal was over and wonder why I'm such a failure.

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 339501)

Dad:
So you think I should set a goal on running just because I haven't broke my record last time I competed? And that I should stop having coaching from my coach if I don't succeed?
I had FEVER on Saturday, albeit mildly. During the whole summer we practically had no practice to increase our speed, but our endurance and strength. I was surprised Saturday's record even placed second in my list of personal bests, albeit being 0.01 seconds away from my third one. Everyone has their rises and falls, as Mum said. You said you wanted me to break my record every time I compete, yet you don't say that when you didn't manage to break your own marathon record.
Yes, you're aging, and yes, you don't have a coach. But I overheard you arguing with Mum and saying how my competitors were so much more better than I am. Half of my competitors were fifteen, and all of them were older than me. Don't compare, Dad. Some talents come naturally and no matter how hard I try, there will always be someone better than I am, 'kay?
I know you're sick of me being this unsocial kid who has no one to talk to during practice. Maybe that's why you want me to resign from the team?

Originally Posted by wildwolf (Post 339516)

Perry don't care, Ruza's said worse.
http://gifsforum.com/images/gif/hate...Gonna-Hate.gif

Originally Posted by MaryElizabeth (Post 339519)

If Ruza's still here, I doubt Perry would ban her. She's said much worse.

But still, Camille, you said "I know my art sucks, but there's no need to be hateful."

And a few weeks before that, you pulled the "Kids in Africa are starving" card on us.

You have a hard time staying consistent.

Originally Posted by GabiDi (Post 339549)

Disregarding the awesomeness that is Tina and Mike... why, exactly, is her point invalid?

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 339846)

I made excuses. I rushed off to the bathroom. I stood up tall, looked myself straight in the eye in the mirror.
I started crying.
It's not like I'm any prettier when I cry either. My lip curls and my teeth stick out and they're all yellow and my face turns purply red.
Still crying, I blow my nose. I splash water in my face, dry it and look in the mirror.
I'm crying again.
Blow nose.
Water.
Dry.
Stand straight.
Leave the bathroom.
Come back to rehearsal, where everyone but me is happily dancing. Reside back to table of solitude. Cradle knees to chest. Wish rehearsal was over and wonder why I'm such a failure.

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340014)

Originally Posted by GabiDi (Post 340026)

:/
I'm sorry, H... I'm doing that, too. :I

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340014)

Originally Posted by Moogle (Post 339861)

*what MaryElizebeth said*
POKEEEEHHH YOU'RE A SUPER AWESOME PERSON AND ADJFAKDFADFJ YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FEEL LIKE THAT AT ALL! CUZ YOU AREN'T A FALIURE, AND YOU NEVER WILL BE! YOU'RE AWESOME, AND WE ALL LOVE YOU FOR IT!!!!!

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 339877)

Pokey.
Never let your appearance deter you.
I hate this ugly spot on my chin but I don't CAAAARE.
Or is it something else?

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 339884)

Mira, you're not a failure. First of all, you've published TWO BOOKS and that's two more books than I'll probably ever even write, or at least finish. And you've got a wonderful singing voice--no, DON'T complain about this one, I'm serious. And you're an amazingly talented actor who is funny and beautiful and awesome. So. Do tell why you're feeling down, because otherwise I'm going to have to go through every single thing that makes you epik and that's going to take a while.

Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict (Post 339894)

If you're a failure, I'm a camel. I hate camels. Don't make me be one. D:

And you are FRIGGIN NOT a failure. You're AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL AND NICE AND FUNNY AND SMART AND ALL OF THAT STUFFISHNESS. KAY?

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 339974)

To be completely honest with you, I'm eighty percent sure that you're prettier than I'll ever be... :^I If you, at one point had a picture of yourself on KP (...I think you did, maybe for your profile pic)... I wish I looked like you. :'(

But really...


Oh god, thank you so much. I know this sounds really weird, seeing as you sound really miserable, but I just came back from a really crappy day and knowing someone else feels the same really makes me feel like there's a huge load off me.
My mom spent the first hour that I got home from school screaming at me that I have an eating disorder because I asked her not to make me noodles and freaking cheese for lunch tomorrow, maybe a nice salad instead. (I tell her not to make lunch or clean my room in the first place, but she does and then she complains about having to do it, even though every time I tell her not to... ._.) I don't know, maybe I said something else, I really don't remember... all I know is that it escalated into a huge screaming fit and now we both think the other one is psychotic and insane. She's starting with the eating disorder clinic bluffs and threatening to take me out of IB--the best thing that's happened in my entire life--yet again, and it's tearing me apart, just like it always does. Thanks, mom. After all this time, yet again you listen with your mouth rather than your eyes and ears. And by listening I mean not listening at all.
You are perfectly aware that my weight is a massive weight on my shoulders (no pun intended... =_=) You have succeeded in spontaneously slamming me with a million other things, now--thank you. Really. So much.
I can't start running again until the ninteenth or later because of my homework (which helps me relax) and my gym membership expired, so we're getting a treadmill in the house. It feels like I have a century ahead of me of waiting and praying that I can make it through until I have my outlet back.
I don't know how I'm going to entertain my friend tomorrow--I feel like a mess. I shoved my fingers down my throat after eating the noodles, and before that I had eaten all the noodles to console myself for the fact that I had eaten them in the first place, (what the heck...) as usual nothing happened, I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if everyone else sees what I see--I truly don't believe that they do. I know, I have a problem.... but Mom, stuffing me with what I'm trying to avoid isn't going to help. Of course, I'm going to freak out. Oh god, please... let the treadmill come soon... (*prays*)


What, you're going to feed spiders to an arachnophobia and then give them the death penalty for being scared?

Originally Posted by GabiDi (Post 339985)

/huge-glomp
http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lvmcu47X651qen75u.gif
Oh Mira. No. No. I've seen pictures of you. And you are SO pretty, okay? Kay.
And here's the REALLY important thing. Even if you weren't super duper pretty you would still be awesome and not a failure because you're an amazing writer, and funny and smart and sweet and not a failure, and that's what counts.
And you ARE so pretty... so don't worry, 'kay? :/

Originally Posted by soph-soph27 (Post 340101)

Yeah. First I'm all encouraging, so happy happy HAPPY! Help my friend, I care about her so much it hurts. And Then. Then it breaks. It just shatters, gone, zip, nothing, nada, goose eggs. And of course I hide it. Would I want to let my family know how I feel? How every morning I wake up, I'm crying? Do I want them to worry about me? I don't even know what I want anymore. I laugh along with friends, I smile at jokes, I eat, sleep, talk- but I hardly feel anything anymore. I know I should. But the thing is, I'm not real anymore. Just- poof. No more Sophia. And my head nods, and my fingers are sure as they type these words, but I feel nothing. I feel no sadness, no anger. The only thing I've been able to feel is happy. And even when I do, it only lasts an hour at the most. How do you feel again?

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340111)

Thanks.



I wasn't crying because I felt ugly, no. It's just the fact that I feel ugly thar ADDS to everything else, and that's what made me totally fall apart.



I emailed you.



Will you be a groundhog or something then? I did it again today. I'm jist tge random loser who's sitting by herself. Sitting by herself even though the person who she calls her best friend is laughing and hanging out by herself. I was crying today; not in the bathroom but OUT IN THE OPEN; AND NO ONE NOTICED.



It actually wasn't ugliness, it was like... well, what I said up there. ^^ But it did add to it. And don't be ridiculous Sandy. You're beautiful. <=)
And about the weight thing, I'm almost the opposite. In fifth/sixth grade, I was super underweight, but last year, seventh, I just randomly started gaining weight. And gaining and gaining... And I'm trying to lose weight but I like food too much to eat less so I don't think it will stop.

But thanks. (:



It isn't that that was getting to me, mainly, but thank you nonetheless. I love you all. (: *glomp*

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340118)

Oh. I know that feeling so much. Don't worry, though, if you feel like worrying, even though you can't feel at the moment. But don't come out of the nonfeeling with worry, if you know what I mean. Take it slow. Appreciate things. Notice things. Understand things. Feel. You'll be all right, Soph. Just breathe.

God. Mira. I just.
Sorry, I just read that part about where NO ONE NOTICED. And the thing is, I can completely and totally relate to that. See, remember I was telling you about that time in fifth grade? Where I was horribly depressed and felt fat, ugly, and stupid, like I wanted to lock myself away in a hole and slowly watch myself disappear into a mesh of atoms and cells that were devoured by--well, you get the point. And I felt so awful. But I couldn't do anything about it. So I wore a black shirt (long-sleeved) under everything, and I was actually almost desperate for someone to notice because I wanted SOMEONE to drag me out of this hole that I'd put myself into, because I sure as hell couldn't do it myself. And NO ONE NOTICED. This lasted for roughly a month and a half. And all those eight weeks, NO ONE NOTICED. It was just horrible. I felt completely unwanted and unloved and even though I shared jokes and laughed and smiled and flailed I didn't actually FEEL any of that. It was all just an act, a big f---ing phony act, and I wanted someone to effing NOTICE. But no one did. And eventually I had to drag my sorry ass out of that pit myself, and eventually I made it back to normal, but it never really went away, and now it comes out at the worst moments. So. Mira. Let me tell you something. If I had been there, I might not have noticed. I'll be totally honest with you about that. Because horrid things happen, and humans don't like acknowledging that--either that, or they acknowledge it too much, and they twist it so it's all really okay, but it's not, it's f---ing NOT. So. I'm only human, you're only human, we're all only human. And that means that sometimes people are NOT GOING TO NOTICE. And it's gonna hurt a hell of a lot, and you're gonna cry, and there are going to be time when you feel like your belly is dragging in the fires of hell. But. But but but but but but but but. You've got to be brave. You've got to tell people about this stuff, because it's the only way you can get better. To share. Because sharing is human, too, and humans have empathy thing, and that feels f---ing FANTASTIC when you're feeling down. So it's okay to feel down and bad and horrid, but remember to eventually (don't wait too late, I've done that a million times and it's NOT) tell someone, or just vent and cry and scream, but give it TO, don't trap it IN. You shall get through this, because that's what friends are for: to help you. <3 And now, the evil smiley face: :)

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340120)

You.
Are the most amazing human being on this planet.

You know that? *sobs*

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340118)

Oh. I know that feeling so much. Don't worry, though, if you feel like worrying, even though you can't feel at the moment. But don't come out of the nonfeeling with worry, if you know what I mean. Take it slow. Appreciate things. Notice things. Understand things. Feel. You'll be all right, Soph. Just breathe.

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340122)

AHAHAHAHAHAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

But thank you.

.....
http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t...llpaper004.jpg
http://lyrics8e.nettisivu.org/files/...group-shot.jpg
This should really not need any more explanation. xD

Originally Posted by MaryElizabeth (Post 340123)

Pokey. When I am reading your stories, I don't care about what you look like, or who you talk to at school, or whether or not you're a very social person. What I care about is your spectacular writing, and how freaking much I want to be able to write like that.

Don't you ever call yourself a failure.

Originally Posted by soph-soph27 (Post 340124)

I know. And thank you. I try to appreciate. Poetry used to be my solace. But Heather. You don't understand. I know that sounds petty and unappreciative, but it's like being inside a cage and being muffled more and more and more and more and more. And things just keep piling up, not even homework or obligations but stress upon stress upon stress. And I try to keep everyone happy, I try to them happy, you happy, family happy, everyone else, but somehow I don't fit in, and I'm left dangling off like a tree root hanging off a cliff, or that weird puzzle piece that goes to another puzzle and doesn't fit in yours. It just explodes in my face, and I tell mys elf I should feel something, I should feel sad, angry. The explosion just sort of dares me to feel worse, saying well, what will you do about it? And I just cry inside and do what I always do, I hurt myself until I can't feel anything but physical pain. And physical pain makes me think, why am I doing this, and it leads to emotional pain, and inside all the pain every feeling in my body is taunting me, laughing and telling me I'm not good enough for anything. And the worst part is, I believe them. I dig up the worst things about things that have happened to people I care about, and I believe, I truly believe that it was my fault that they got hurt. So I'm self pitying myself, and hurting myself, and all because I need to feel.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340125)

It really doesn't. xD
(youshouldliketotallyrespondtomyemail)



Thank you so much. I know I'm being ridiculous, it's just something in the back of my head, CONSTANTLY reminding me of these things.

I'm leaving now. Nightie!

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 339974)

To be completely honest with you, I'm eighty percent sure that you're prettier than I'll ever be... :^I If you, at one point had a picture of yourself on KP (...I think you did, maybe for your profile pic)... I wish I looked like you. :'(

But really...


Oh god, thank you so much. I know this sounds really weird, seeing as you sound really miserable, but I just came back from a really crappy day and knowing someone else feels the same really makes me feel like there's a huge load off me.
My mom spent the first hour that I got home from school screaming at me that I have an eating disorder because I asked her not to make me noodles and freaking cheese for lunch tomorrow, maybe a nice salad instead. (I tell her not to make lunch or clean my room in the first place, but she does and then she complains about having to do it, even though every time I tell her not to... ._.) I don't know, maybe I said something else, I really don't remember... all I know is that it escalated into a huge screaming fit and now we both think the other one is psychotic and insane. She's starting with the eating disorder clinic bluffs and threatening to take me out of IB--the best thing that's happened in my entire life--yet again, and it's tearing me apart, just like it always does. Thanks, mom. After all this time, yet again you listen with your mouth rather than your eyes and ears. And by listening I mean not listening at all.
You are perfectly aware that my weight is a massive weight on my shoulders (no pun intended... =_=) You have succeeded in spontaneously slamming me with a million other things, now--thank you. Really. So much.
I can't start running again until the ninteenth or later because of my homework (which helps me relax) and my gym membership expired, so we're getting a treadmill in the house. It feels like I have a century ahead of me of waiting and praying that I can make it through until I have my outlet back.
I don't know how I'm going to entertain my friend tomorrow--I feel like a mess. I shoved my fingers down my throat after eating the noodles, and before that I had eaten all the noodles to console myself for the fact that I had eaten them in the first place, (what the heck...) as usual nothing happened, I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if everyone else sees what I see--I truly don't believe that they do. I know, I have a problem.... but Mom, stuffing me with what I'm trying to avoid isn't going to help. Of course, I'm going to freak out. Oh god, please... let the treadmill come soon... (*prays*)


What, you're going to feed spiders to an arachnophobia and then give them the death penalty for being scared?

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340128)

Okay, now that you're clarifying, maybe I don't really understand, but maybe I don't really need to. Don't take that as an insult. But y'know, you can email me, and we can chat, and you can vent however much you want. If that doesn't help... I don't know. Try to find someone who can relate, or who you feel can relate, if you feel I can't. Okay? But believe me on one thing: YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS. I've cried inside, too, I've cried outside. And Soph, it is NOT your fault. Fault is not necessary. Blame is unnecessary. Because everyone causes everything causes everyone, and the farther you go back, the deeper you go, until you realize that it wasn't you, and maybe it wasn't them, either, and maybe it was someone you don't even know. You can't know all of everyone's story. So don't believe it's your fault for the hurt. Like Melanie said (well, I'll paraphrase cuz I don't remember exactly), you don't know what goes on at people's homes. You don't know all the sides of something that someone went through, because emotions are things with so many layers and you can't reveal all of them at once or maybe ever, see what I mean? In the meantime... Listen to songs and write poetry and read whatever you need to read. That's what these things are for, actually, so that you can get better through someone else's pain that they're not feeling anymore but they felt once and it's relatable... I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. But let me know if I can do anything more to help.

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 340048)

I can only write poetry when I'm sad, though. /addedbonus Woo. Hoo. Yay.
Feels like s---. Urghhh.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340111)

I wasn't crying because I felt ugly, no. It's just the fact that I feel ugly thar ADDS to everything else, and that's what made me totally fall apart.

Originally Posted by BlueMi (Post 340125)

It really doesn't. xD
(youshouldliketotallyrespondtomyemail)



Thank you so much. I know I'm being ridiculous, it's just something in the back of my head, CONSTANTLY reminding me of these things.

I'm leaving now. Nightie!

Originally Posted by soph-soph27 (Post 340130)

I'm sorry. You help so much. So much. Heather, I care about all of my friends so much it hurts if I think anything bad happened to them. When Livvi broke her arm, I spent two nights awake, wondering if there was any way I could help. Heather, you're always right. Always. You always convince me that everything's fine, it'll be okay. So I trust you. I really trust you. You have never been wrong when you needed to make somebody feel better. Thank you for listening to my rant. Heather, you really are always right. You have some kind of... aura.

Originally Posted by LaurenM (Post 340149)

I have this tendency to become depressed when others are depressed.
So I'm depressed. Yay.
/hugs Heather.

Originally Posted by lvhamsters (Post 340280)

I don't know what to think. I feel alone and confused. I feel used and I can't even make any friends. I fail :(

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 340334)

It's like the calendar just skipped from September 4th to September 14th.
The month is already half bloody over. This year… it's quickly coming to a close. My days are all of no consequence. It's a month into the school year and I still don't have any real friends.
Where the hell is time going?
I'm afraid.

Originally Posted by GabiDi (Post 340377)

Ugh.
Okay.
You guys shouldn't even read this, but it's so frustrating. So I'm just going to send a note to each of my friends. At least, the ones that are annoying me.
Y
A and MK,
Okay. Why are you acting like freaking hookers?! Jesus! I don't even - I'm embarrased to walk down the street with you. You think allllll the freshmen have real boners from seeing you in your smoking hot bikinis, huh? OPEN YOUR EYES. Did you hear him, what he was saying to you? What he totally thought you both were? Freaking whores. Because that's what you were acting like. And those are the guys that will keep their distance, what about the ones that won't because you're running around acting like you're of age and stuff when you're not even fourteen?!
Ugh. When I try to confront you about it you say that you just don't care what people think of you - like that's a good thing in the first place - but that's a lie and we both know it. You want them to think you're sexy. Remember today when you said, "I mean, we're such motivation - what could be sexier than a girl dripping wet in a bikini?" and I said something that you didn't hear and I wouldn't repeat for you?
I told you, "A girl with actual self respect." Because... ugh. You think they're going to like you when you do that?
THE GUY THAT YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH ASKED OUR FRIEND IF SHE FOUND YOU ON SOME STREET CORNER IN VEGAS AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN BOTHERED, HOOKERS AREN'T SEXY SO GET OVER YOURSELF.
Now, specifically: A. When you saw the guys in the parking lot you TOOK OFF YOUR COVER UP SO EVERYONE COULD SEE YOUR BIKINI. WTF?!
He said, "There's a thing called decency, you should try it sometime" and you literally told him that you had no decency. Again, WTF? How is that a good thing as you so clearly thought it was?
And MK, ugh. There's this thing called EMOTING.
I get that you're shy, I get it, I'm shy too but I get over it because being shy - ? I'm sorry, it's a bad thing. You can be reserved, sure, but you're so... ugh. I look over at you in first period and want to just shake you by your shoulders because you're just - I mean, you're quiet and just sort of looking into space, not making an effort or even... no wonder you want to switch to homeschool. Your mom's not even home all day and I have no idea where your dad is, how is that a good idea?!

N, okay. You heard a rumor that our awesome science teacher is lesbian and now you think that she "totally has crushes on all of us".
I wanted to KILL you when you said that.
Ugh.
Just.
You're so... /flails/

And...
And...
Okay, I'm done.

At least I still have Amanda, Maddie, Shantel Bailey and Deidre for company because I kind of want to veto all of you.

Originally Posted by MaryElizabeth (Post 340332)

I just have this awful fear of death (and ironically, my favorite books of all time are the Harry Potter series.

I have the Catholic belief that I will go to heaven, but I still wonder--am I wrong? Is it just darkness when we die? Will I be staring at the inside of my eyelids for all eternity, thoughtless but conscious?

What about if I do go to heaven? What if there is some universe-shattering thing that dooms all of us, on Earth and off?

I just can't take it. I shouldn't be afraid, but I'm utterly paralyzed with fear.