The Writer's Block

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-   -   Your emotional venting thread. I'll explain. (http://www.kidpub.com/forum3/showthread.php?t=2095)

pluzzle 11-21-2014 04:20 AM

hmm so my friend is performing in a local thing of oliver and i want to go but we're gonna be in the city which is an hour away to look at apartments and there's a later time but i dont know if she's going that one and this will be the second time ive missed it if i do

my friend that's going with me just logged off while i was asking her when she booked for and thats SO HELPFUL wow

i also hate myself so that's nothing new of course but im feeling very bad lol why do i even try if i know something is going to be messed up by the one and only Me TM




mysterygirl 11-21-2014 04:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CosmoCat (Post 562232)
so i may or may not have depression, ocd, and dermatillomania. but i'm really freaked out by this because i keep all of my health problems to myself. and most of my emotional problems. but recently finding out that i may fit the description of someone who has constant anxiety? realizing that my "bad habit" can be an actual disorder? learning that i find one attempt at suicide strange because i've had causal suicidal thoughts so many times in the past? this is hurting me and there's no quick fix to it. I wish i could just "get help" or "go to therapy" but it's not that easy, and even I don't take myself seriously until I look into these things a bit more than usual. anyways, i'm really worried about my mental health because one minute i'm actually okay/completely content with life and the next i'm praying that i'll get hit by a car on the way to school because i'm sure the teachers wouldn't give me that much homework if i was in the hospital for a week. I just don't know what to do anymore, but one thing is for sure. i don't want to tell my family. i know my sis gets on here sometimes, but i don't want her to do anything about me. these are my problems and i need to solve them, but a lot is getting in the way (mostly my age again, dammit) and i'm just kinda. yeah. so that's my situation and why i'm scared of living. so, yes, any resources that will help me with my mental health and/or a hotline where they just let you talk about your problems (because mine aren't all related to suicide. i don't want to bother the people at the suicide hotlines especially so late at night) but, yes, i need help and, no, i'm not getting help as of now. which is bad, i know.

did i mention how much my hatred of humankind has grown? i'm becoming more antisocial every minute. i mean, i love humans and i think they should enjoy they're lives, but i'm not so sure how much i'm enjoying mine right now. just...people. ugh.


Do I even have to mention how much I feel you? I'm pretty sure you and I aren't just the only ones. You aren't alone in this

Emaafre 11-21-2014 09:59 AM

ugh I want to fucking die but idefk what to do
My therapist said that she wouldn't be able to get me on testosterone or whatever and I can't go to school cuz I'm so fucking stressed about everything fml

Athenabrain1 11-21-2014 10:19 PM

You know what
You took me out of your instagram bio and left your three "best friends" in there
thanks a lot
I guess all that money i lent you you never bothered to give back was just a temporary friendship pact
I hate you too much now
Stop acting like im worthless
Im better than you because i actually care about people
Just freaking get out of my life man

Lily09 11-23-2014 08:18 PM

http://www.kidpub.com/story/i-guess-...tter-627152268
please read?

Zelda 11-29-2014 04:47 AM

This is just me taking my ball of fear and pain apart and laying it out in front of the Internet so that it can stop being a ball a fear and pain, because I honestly don't think I'm capable of talking about it face to face with real live humans.
Swear Warning

Why the f*** do I keep breaking things?! I breaking freaking everything, and it's not even on purpose! No, no that's wrong. I actually think that I subconsciously try to find ways to break stuff. I mean, I snapped the fudging bridge on my violin! Who the fudging fudge does that? I didn't know the fudging things could break!! It's not just inanimate objects either, I try to break the people around me. Don't even bother trying to be friends with me, I will wound you physically, emotionally or otherwise. I have a crap ton of proof too:
I pushed this guy I've been hanging out with at school DOWN THE EFFING STAIRS. I wasn't even thinking about it, he was sliding on the banister and was tipping and I just grabbed his foot and tipped him the rest of the way. He got a huge bruise out of the deal, it was horrible! Then, way before I even went to school I used to talk like 24/7 with these two people, and they were on the internet(feel free to judge all my bad choices, I don't care anymore)(that last part was a lie) we were really great friends, anyways, one day I logon to gmail hangouts and pretend to have a f***ing insanity attack. I was blabbing on about stupid crap like 'we're all asleep and need to wake up' at one point when I was feeling especially DEMENTED I typed up 'Help'. Now to fully understand this, let me explain something to you: One of those friends was not the most stable person in the world, I won't go into detail, but let's suffice to say s/he's fairly well depressed. I was texting this utter bullcrap to both of them, and they knew each other through the Internet as well, so they were texting each other, and do you know what the(non-depressed) one sends me? A screenshot of the conversation they were having.
"I can't.....it's making me.."(depressed)
"How is it making you feel?" (Non-d)
"Like everything I know is a lie... Like I really was alone...and that I should jump off a bridge.."
That is the exact conversation. I f***ing did that. I f***ing shoved one of my closest friends to the edge of suicide, and probably terrified the other. I DID THAT ON A FREAKING WHIM!
I am DANGEROUS.
I am an indisputable MONSTER.
And I DON't KNOW HOW TO STOP.
Please tell me how to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I don't want to keep breaking things and people and relationships and myself. Dear God please help me.

rebecca 11-29-2014 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zelda (Post 562446)
This is just me taking my ball of fear and pain apart and laying it out in front of the Internet so that it can stop being a ball a fear and pain, because I honestly don't think I'm capable of talking about it face to face with real live humans.
Swear Warning

Why the f*** do I keep breaking things?! I breaking freaking everything, and it's not even on purpose! No, no that's wrong. I actually think that I subconsciously try to find ways to break stuff. I mean, I snapped the fudging bridge on my violin! Who the fudging fudge does that? I didn't know the fudging things could break!! It's not just inanimate objects either, I try to break the people around me. Don't even bother trying to be friends with me, I will wound you physically, emotionally or otherwise. I have a crap ton of proof too:
I pushed this guy I've been hanging out with at school DOWN THE EFFING STAIRS. I wasn't even thinking about it, he was sliding on the banister and was tipping and I just grabbed his foot and tipped him the rest of the way. He got a huge bruise out of the deal, it was horrible! Then, way before I even went to school I used to talk like 24/7 with these two people, and they were on the internet(feel free to judge all my bad choices, I don't care anymore)(that last part was a lie) we were really great friends, anyways, one day I logon to gmail hangouts and pretend to have a f***ing insanity attack. I was blabbing on about stupid crap like 'we're all asleep and need to wake up' at one point when I was feeling especially DEMENTED I typed up 'Help'. Now to fully understand this, let me explain something to you: One of those friends was not the most stable person in the world, I won't go into detail, but let's suffice to say s/he's fairly well depressed. I was texting this utter bullcrap to both of them, and they knew each other through the Internet as well, so they were texting each other, and do you know what the(non-depressed) one sends me? A screenshot of the conversation they were having.
"I can't.....it's making me.."(depressed)
"How is it making you feel?" (Non-d)
"Like everything I know is a lie... Like I really was alone...and that I should jump off a bridge.."
That is the exact conversation. I f***ing did that. I f***ing shoved one of my closest friends to the edge of suicide, and probably terrified the other. I DID THAT ON A FREAKING WHIM!
I am DANGEROUS.
I am an indisputable MONSTER.
And I DON't KNOW HOW TO STOP.
Please tell me how to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I don't want to keep breaking things and people and relationships and myself. Dear God please help me.

I once broke the bridge on my violin.

I have anger problems and anxiety. I've thrown chairs at people, tried to stab my best friend with scissors, hit another one of my friends with a hockey stick.

Sometimes I used to stop being able to function in lessons and start panicking. The thing I'm least proud of is the way I can emotionally manipulate and borderline abuse my sister. I've hurt her, both emotionally and physically (which let me say makes me more ashamed than anything else) just because she's upsetting me. I used to treat her horribly sometimes when I was in a bad mood. And she still wants to be around me.

Now, I think we can all agree this makes me a pretty awful person, an 'indisputable monster'.

In books, it's called character development, in real life, learning. The first step is knowing that these things are wrong. Guilt is a good thing. Guilt is what STOPS you being a monster. Psychopaths feel no remorse, due to a malfunction of the amygdala. So, on a positive note, you aren't a psychopath.

What you need to do is apologise for this. And forgive yourself. You are not the things you have done. People make mistakes, this does not make them monsters it MAKES THEM PEOPLE. It could be argued, philosophically, that people are the greatest monsters of all, but I'd have to disagree. People have the potential to do horrific things, some do, and people also have the potential to do good. It's not as simple as that though. People are complex, three-dimensional and multi-faceted. They behave irrationally, in ways that cannot be categorised as good nor bad. What you've done does not make you a monster. It's human nature. We're a messed up species, so complicated and difficult to understand.

So apologise, start working with your guilt, get past the things you have done. And when you want to do something like that, as all of us do sometimes, for no reason, remember that it's wrong.

If you ever want to talk, contact me. Because I understand your situation. I've been there. It might be awkward or whatever, but I'd like to talk because my anger is something I like to gloss over in my official propaganda. However, I need to talk about it. I may as well.

tl;dr - I can't condense this without losing meaning, so you have to read the whole thing.

LunaEclipse 11-29-2014 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zelda (Post 562446)
This is just me taking my ball of fear and pain apart and laying it out in front of the Internet so that it can stop being a ball a fear and pain, because I honestly don't think I'm capable of talking about it face to face with real live humans.
Swear Warning

Why the f*** do I keep breaking things?! I breaking freaking everything, and it's not even on purpose! No, no that's wrong. I actually think that I subconsciously try to find ways to break stuff. I mean, I snapped the fudging bridge on my violin! Who the fudging fudge does that? I didn't know the fudging things could break!! It's not just inanimate objects either, I try to break the people around me. Don't even bother trying to be friends with me, I will wound you physically, emotionally or otherwise. I have a crap ton of proof too:
I pushed this guy I've been hanging out with at school DOWN THE EFFING STAIRS. I wasn't even thinking about it, he was sliding on the banister and was tipping and I just grabbed his foot and tipped him the rest of the way. He got a huge bruise out of the deal, it was horrible! Then, way before I even went to school I used to talk like 24/7 with these two people, and they were on the internet(feel free to judge all my bad choices, I don't care anymore)(that last part was a lie) we were really great friends, anyways, one day I logon to gmail hangouts and pretend to have a f***ing insanity attack. I was blabbing on about stupid crap like 'we're all asleep and need to wake up' at one point when I was feeling especially DEMENTED I typed up 'Help'. Now to fully understand this, let me explain something to you: One of those friends was not the most stable person in the world, I won't go into detail, but let's suffice to say s/he's fairly well depressed. I was texting this utter bullcrap to both of them, and they knew each other through the Internet as well, so they were texting each other, and do you know what the(non-depressed) one sends me? A screenshot of the conversation they were having.
"I can't.....it's making me.."(depressed)
"How is it making you feel?" (Non-d)
"Like everything I know is a lie... Like I really was alone...and that I should jump off a bridge.."
That is the exact conversation. I f***ing did that. I f***ing shoved one of my closest friends to the edge of suicide, and probably terrified the other. I DID THAT ON A FREAKING WHIM!
I am DANGEROUS.
I am an indisputable MONSTER.
And I DON't KNOW HOW TO STOP.
Please tell me how to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore, I don't want to keep breaking things and people and relationships and myself. Dear God please help me.


I understand. I'm pretty quite but when I'm more social I've been known to say/do stuff that I instantly regret afterwards, but of course it's too late. I won't go into detail, but I've been there. My only advice is to think in your head, before you do anything, is this right? will this hurt people? who is this affecting? And of course ask for forgiveness from the people you've hurt and forgive yourself. Don't dwell on this forever, it won't help anything. Try your best to think and basically use common sense. If it doesn't get better, maybe talk to your parents about talking to a counsellor- basically you can rant to someone which total confidentiality and they might have some few pointers.

CosmoCat 12-01-2014 02:37 PM

turns out you can pay for college if you get hit by a car. yay insurance. this just makes me want to get hurt more. damn you emotions

Lena 12-03-2014 10:22 PM

my emotions are all over the place.
i'm so busy, constantly moving, constantly thinking, constantly catching my breath. i'm so stressed out but i can barely feel it and i'm putting everything off until last minute and i need to study for a thousand different exams but all i want to do is sleep and watch gilmore girls and eat a lot, which i really need to stop doing. i need to stop finding excuses to "treat myself" when i have a hundred things i need to do.
but these things are catching up to me and it's like a dull throbbing in my head.
i want to do something beautiful. i want to sit down for a whole night and paint or write. i want to sing and play my out-of-tune piano but my voice keeps faltering and my fingers keep flailing.
but i can't do something beautiful because i have to get through the next three damn weeks. and even then i can't relax because it's the holidays and i plan to interact with people over the break because i'm really working on that whole making good friends thing and it's so hard and i don't know what to do about it. how do people talk without tension, how do people know when they have a good friend. it's so confusing.
i keep telling people i'm better, but am i?
i don't know.
i don't know.
i need to cry but the tears won't come and i need to focus on something else, i need to study for my exam tomorrow and math is confusing and history is a lot of memorizing and science is too fast paced and english is hell and i don't learn anything except how to deal with teachers who i could teach.
i'm snapping. i'm being selfish. i need to think about something else. i need to think about other people. but no, i need to think about school. and i also need to think about contacting a literary agent and working on my novel. and i need to think about improving my art and my music, i need to get through my musical block. and i also need to think about my film project. and my grades. and christmas and my brothers birthday - god what am i getting him - and presents for my friends - do you get friends presents?

i need to study i need to write.
these things should be easy, i have a notebook on my lap and a microsoft word document open.
but instead i sit here, writing this vent and these are barely scraping my feelings but i need to stop typing this 'pity-me' mess. i don't need pity. i need sleep. i need focus. i need to catch myself.

i need to catch myself.


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