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pluzzle 12-10-2014 03:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 562678)
i guess i should have expected it?? i mean, i did, but i mean i should have prepared myself better.

after that one marathon event when she left me during a panic attack for her new friends, i probably shouldve just ended it there. i don't know why i kept holding on for so long. i shouldn't have believed her when she said she was sorry or that she would try harder to be a better best friend. i'm somewhat upset that she only tolerated me and never bothered to tell me that.

however i'm more upset with myself? it's no wonder she left, being around me is fucking exhausting. and i know it's exhausting because i'm completely exhausted by myself. i hate how my mental health is ruining all of my friendships. i don't mean to be annoying and anxious and paranoid and in constant need of validation that i am real and worthy. it just sort of happens. i'm so upset with myself for letting my mental health get in the way of things. maybe if i had just been a little more quiet, a little less outwardly anxious, a little less trusting, a little more conforming to her expectations, we would still be friends. i hate myself so so so much for allowing my mental health to get in the way of everything.

honestly, it is easier to kill myself now since she doesn't have to worry about me anymore and i would be doing everyone a huge favor. it's really really tempting. now when i say that i don't mean anything, i really don't mean anything. i dont have to think "except for her. i mean something to her." because now i don't mean anything to her. and that just makes everything a little less complicated, knowing that i am not of significance to anyone.

i want to talk to an adult really badly because i do feel like a genuine danger to myself, but honestly, would it even be helpful or beneficial to anyone else if i stayed alive? probably not and it'd just be selfish of me to want to continue being here when all i do is fuck up.

please read my skype message when you can

CosmoCat 12-10-2014 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 562678)
i guess i should have expected it?? i mean, i did, but i mean i should have prepared myself better.

after that one marathon event when she left me during a panic attack for her new friends, i probably shouldve just ended it there. i don't know why i kept holding on for so long. i shouldn't have believed her when she said she was sorry or that she would try harder to be a better best friend. i'm somewhat upset that she only tolerated me and never bothered to tell me that.

however i'm more upset with myself? it's no wonder she left, being around me is fucking exhausting. and i know it's exhausting because i'm completely exhausted by myself. i hate how my mental health is ruining all of my friendships. i don't mean to be annoying and anxious and paranoid and in constant need of validation that i am real and worthy. it just sort of happens. i'm so upset with myself for letting my mental health get in the way of things. maybe if i had just been a little more quiet, a little less outwardly anxious, a little less trusting, a little more conforming to her expectations, we would still be friends. i hate myself so so so much for allowing my mental health to get in the way of everything.

honestly, it is easier to kill myself now since she doesn't have to worry about me anymore and i would be doing everyone a huge favor. it's really really tempting. now when i say that i don't mean anything, i really don't mean anything. i dont have to think "except for her. i mean something to her." because now i don't mean anything to her. and that just makes everything a little less complicated, knowing that i am not of significance to anyone.

i want to talk to an adult really badly because i do feel like a genuine danger to myself, but honestly, would it even be helpful or beneficial to anyone else if i stayed alive? probably not and it'd just be selfish of me to want to continue being here when all i do is fuck up.

*wraps you in a blanket* alright, that's it.

i'm kidnapping you to be my boyfriend.

I wanna feed you yummy foods while you talk about your problems and then we can sulk out the couch together and not die. and then i'll pester you because i say the most random, irrelevant things while also wanting to go shopping like all the time.

*smothers you in candy* ur friend doesn't deserve a treasure like you if she just ignores you a lot. i seriously should just make you a care package, but i'm so fluffing terrible at sending snail mail. that and i'm not sure how long cookies last in the mail.

*boops your nose* you are a precious human bean and i really don't want you to die. even though i want to die a lot, i have this overprotective thing where i can't let anyone else do that kind of bad stuff to themselves.

okay, this probably sounded sarcastic and rude, but i have no idea how to formally talk to attractive people and it's like getting flustered but in writing so please excuse the...weirdness of this note. but hey, if anyone else says that nobody cares
I CARE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. I JUST KNOW THAT YOU'RE AMAZING PEOPLE BECAUSE A LITTLE BIT OF WHAT YOU SAY STATES HOW GOOD OF HUMANS YOU ARE. AND DON'T YOU DARE DIE OR EVEN THINK ABOUT BECAUSE IF YOU DO I WILL PERSONALLY DRIVE TO YOUR HOUSE IN A DUMP TRUCK AND LEAVE A BUNCH OF MUFFINS ON YOUR FRONT LAWN. DO YOU WANT THAT. THEN DON'T DIE. I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU IF YOU SUDDENLY DISAPPEARED FROM EXISTENCE. AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO EAT OR CLEAN UP ALL OF THOSE MUFFINS. SO FEEL FREE TO TALK TO ME BECAUSE I'M REALLY BAD AT COMING OFF AS SUPPORTIVE, BUT I FLUFFING LOVE ALL OF YOU. OKAY? OKAY

TheAshWolf 12-11-2014 05:38 PM

...
 
We were talking about the space between us all,
And the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion.
Never glimpse the truth; then it's far too late when they pass away.
We were talking about the love we all could share.
When we find it, to try our best to hold it there; with our love,
With our love, we could save the world, if they only knew.

Try to realize it's all within yourself;
No one else can make you change.
And to see you're really only very small,
And life flows on within you and without you.

We were talking about the love that's gone so cold,
And the people who gain the world and lose their soul.
They don't know, they can't see,
Are you one of them?

When you've seen beyond yourself then you may find,
Peace of mind is waiting there.
And the time will come when you see we're all one.
And life flows on within you and without you.


- George Harrison

Puckbrina159 12-11-2014 10:45 PM

It was just one of those days that you kind of want to combust in to a puddle of tears in a dark corner.
First my mom got a flat tire on the way to pick my sister and I up from school, so we just kind of hung out in the music wing for like and hour. And then I went home and ate some food and then went back to the school and did my winter chorus concert. It was just so weird and upsetting. During the last song, this girl either fainted or had a seizure (not sure which one because everyone was saying different things). Her dad came up on stage and grabbed her and we finished the song. It was just really upsetting and scary. No one really knew what was going on, but next thing we new the music was stopped, this girl's friend was holding her up, and her dad was trying to get to her. Next when we walked off stage and were walking back to the chorus room, this absolute assholes of boys were making fun of her (pretending to fall on the floor, looking really scared, clutching each other like her and her friend were, etc). YOU DONT FUCKING DO THAT KIND OF SHIT. I'm just kind of amazed at how much of an freaking shit you can be at the age of 12.
I'm just at a loss for words.

TheMoonWakedWolf 12-11-2014 11:11 PM

Sorry but I just wanna vent a good thing abt today
I have a close friend who I feel I sometimes (aka always) annoy but today she called me her favorite person and I don't even care if it was only half-meant or anything that comment just felt great and I'm happy ok

pluzzle 12-12-2014 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Puckbrina159 (Post 562706)
It was just one of those days that you kind of want to combust in to a puddle of tears in a dark corner.
First my mom got a flat tire on the way to pick my sister and I up from school, so we just kind of hung out in the music wing for like and hour. And then I went home and ate some food and then went back to the school and did my winter chorus concert. It was just so weird and upsetting. During the last song, this girl either fainted or had a seizure (not sure which one because everyone was saying different things). Her dad came up on stage and grabbed her and we finished the song. It was just really upsetting and scary. No one really knew what was going on, but next thing we new the music was stopped, this girl's friend was holding her up, and her dad was trying to get to her. Next when we walked off stage and were walking back to the chorus room, this absolute assholes of boys were making fun of her (pretending to fall on the floor, looking really scared, clutching each other like her and her friend were, etc). YOU DONT FUCKING DO THAT KIND OF SHIT. I'm just kind of amazed at how much of an freaking shit you can be at the age of 12.
I'm just at a loss for words.

Thats so strange, the exact thing happened twice in our choir this year! She had a seizure because the tech ppl were fiddling with the lights in rehearsal and they were flashing and yeah. People can be absolute shits instead of helping or co operating. I hope she is okay (: <3

TheAshWolf 12-12-2014 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMoonWakedWolf (Post 562707)
Sorry but I just wanna vent a good thing abt today
I have a close friend who I feel I sometimes (aka always) annoy but today she called me her favorite person and I don't even care if it was only half-meant or anything that comment just felt great and I'm happy ok

c: Aww, that's great, CT!!! See? People do love you and value you. I'm so glad you have her.

Athenabrain1 12-12-2014 05:42 PM

I have these really amazing friends now who support me all the time
and I didn't even know they liked mcr before
imam step on the worst friend ever

Puckbrina159 12-12-2014 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pluzzle (Post 562709)
Thats so strange, the exact thing happened twice in our choir this year! She had a seizure because the tech ppl were fiddling with the lights in rehearsal and they were flashing and yeah. People can be absolute shits instead of helping or co operating. I hope she is okay (: <3

Oh no, I hope she's okay!
And now that I got a bit of background information, it sounds like she just fainted, and the whole seizure thing was a rumor. Plus she was at school today, which if she had a seizure I don't think she would've been.
I was just really rattled. For one thing it's just a scary thing, but for another, when I first saw her on the floor, I thought it was my best friend, and started to freak out. It was just a weird day.
Thank you! :)

pluzzle 12-13-2014 12:37 AM

Three things

1. I love Pete Wentz
2. I have just fallen down a mental health landslide
3. I love Pete Wentz


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