The Writer's Block

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HeatherB 01-28-2014 08:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebecca (Post 517280)
I do this thing where I pretend to be my characters so I was being this scientist dude who is brilliant and very poetic, when I had to go in the bath. I'd got so into character when I looked at myself I was like 'I don't have a penis'...'he doesn't have a penis' 'OH MY GOD HE'S TRANSGENDER' and I had a massive epiphany. Entirely based upon my genitals.

thats actually awesome omfg

Sandy 01-28-2014 08:18 PM

is this thread safe for negative venting? i was just wondering because i literally have no idea what to do or where to go and i don't really want to bring this to the EVT or here because i feel like this should be a really positive thread because it's about support but
i just dont know what to do
i'm so confused like i feel like a mismatched sock or something and i dont know if i should bring this to the therapist at my school or my mom or dump everything here or do something i dont even know what im so tired and confused and i have an exam tomorrow
i keep trying to talk to my friends but they dont know what to say to me and i don't know what to say to them??????? ghhuhh hhhhhh

Lily09 01-28-2014 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 517378)
is this thread safe for negative venting? i was just wondering because i literally have no idea what to do or where to go and i don't really want to bring this to the EVT or here because i feel like this should be a really positive thread because it's about support but
i just dont know what to do
i'm so confused like i feel like a mismatched sock or something and i dont know if i should bring this to the therapist at my school or my mom or dump everything here or do something i dont even know what im so tired and confused and i have an exam tomorrow
i keep trying to talk to my friends but they dont know what to say to me and i don't know what to say to them??????? ghhuhh hhhhhh

yeah!! feel free to put tw for dysphoria/misgendering/transphobia/homophobia/biphobia/queerphobia/whatevervevervevrevrverer at the top if you wanna be safe tho
i think you should talk to your mom, since your mom knows and seems somewhat okay with it.
and about the last part i get that. *pets your hair* *feeds u cookie* *or maybe shoves it up ur ass for storage*

Sandy 01-28-2014 10:30 PM

sorry ///tw for general dysphoria i guess
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 517394)
yeah!! feel free to put tw for dysphoria/misgendering/transphobia/homophobia/biphobia/queerphobia/whatevervevervevrevrverer at the top if you wanna be safe tho
i think you should talk to your mom, since your mom knows and seems somewhat okay with it.
and about the last part i get that. *pets your hair* *feeds u cookie* *or maybe shoves it up ur ass for storage*

thanks
*digests cookie from within ass*
yum

i've been blasting swaggie music to simulate how it feels to be confident for a couple hours now so i dunno i'm good for now and besides i should be studying for my exam tomorrow hahahaaaaaaaaaaa
like i dunno man i just want my identity back like i feel empty and awkward and i keep telling myself that i shouldn't bother with new clothes and i should just stay with my feminine stuff because i "won't translate well to anything else" and like a bunch of bullshit reasons that my subconscious is shitting at me and like i just wish i was cishet more than anything else
like i keep trying to get out of this gender box and i just end up inside another one if that makes sense?????? and nothing fits
i don't know what i want
a part of me wants to just go back to thinking of myself as a straight girl because life would be easy, but i don't want to lie
and this other part of me isn't sure why i wish i was a different sex, like it's always always been there but i've just snuffed it out and i keep thinking back to times in my life in middle school and in elementary when i felt like this but i didn't think it meant anything and maybe it doesn't mean anything now
like i don't know if i want to be treated as male or if i want to actually be male or if i've been male all along because there have definitely been signs but i was always just like???????? oh whatever tough shit you're a girl get over yourself
like honestly i'm so upset
and i don't know what i would tell a therapist like i'd just sit there and be like ya i've always wished i was a guy but shit mang i have tits
and they'd be like o shit ya
and i'd be like shit
and they'd be like shit then you're a girl lol

like i just dont know where to go or what to do

Lily09 01-28-2014 10:31 PM

binding

http://sammypendragon.tumblr.com/pos...s-i-know-a-lot

Lily09 01-28-2014 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 517419)
thanks
*digests cookie from within ass*
yum

i've been blasting swaggie music to simulate how it feels to be confident for a couple hours now so i dunno i'm good for now and besides i should be studying for my exam tomorrow hahahaaaaaaaaaaa
like i dunno man i just want my identity back like i feel empty and awkward and i keep telling myself that i shouldn't bother with new clothes and i should just stay with my feminine stuff because i "won't translate well to anything else" and like a bunch of bullshit reasons that my subconscious is shitting at me and like i just wish i was cishet more than anything else
like i keep trying to get out of this gender box and i just end up inside another one if that makes sense?????? and nothing fits
i don't know what i want
a part of me wants to just go back to thinking of myself as a straight girl because life would be easy, but i don't want to lie
and this other part of me isn't sure why i wish i was a different sex, like it's always always been there but i've just snuffed it out and i keep thinking back to times in my life in middle school and in elementary when i felt like this but i didn't think it meant anything and maybe it doesn't mean anything now
like i don't know if i want to be treated as male or if i want to actually be male or if i've been male all along because there have definitely been signs but i was always just like???????? oh whatever tough shit you're a girl get over yourself
like honestly i'm so upset
and i don't know what i would tell a therapist like i'd just sit there and be like ya i've always wished i was a guy but shit mang i have tits
and they'd be like o shit ya
and i'd be like shit
and they'd be like shit then you're a girl lol

like i just dont know where to go or what to do

i think that u look hella in mens clothes or at least just from that one you showed me. if u have money, u def should try buying some guys clothes!!
oh manoh man i know that gender box thingy sort of but for me its like i know 100% im not cis but if i start identifying myself as a male its ??? but then if i identify myself as genderqueer its like NO
hh
i dont think u should talk to a therapist unless its a therapist who's been trained to deal with that or else it might make it worse but hang on in there things will get better!!
*hugs*

meerkat 01-28-2014 10:53 PM

i think i might be crushing on one of my best friends
who's a girl
but i'm just a little scared to tell anyone

Lily09 01-28-2014 10:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meerkat (Post 517432)
i think i might be crushing on one of my best friends
who's a girl
but i'm just a little scared to tell anyone

*hugs*
it'll be okay in the end. idk how to help you, but that's just what i do know. it works out (:

Sandy 01-28-2014 11:19 PM

tw dysphoria, mention of eating disorder idk?? also swearing
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 517424)
i think that u look hella in mens clothes or at least just from that one you showed me. if u have money, u def should try buying some guys clothes!!
oh manoh man i know that gender box thingy sort of but for me its like i know 100% im not cis but if i start identifying myself as a male its ??? but then if i identify myself as genderqueer its like NO
hh
i dont think u should talk to a therapist unless its a therapist who's been trained to deal with that or else it might make it worse but hang on in there things will get better!!
*hugs*

uh god i just want to like slowly stab myself because like this is what it feels like?????? like every time i look into the mirror or try to find clothes i want to wear for the day it's like i have like multiple knives in my chest and i have to go to school and talk to people and know that people see me as a girl and like the only way i can describe it is having multiple mental breakdowns slowly throughout the day and they never end but at the same time i'm never sure if what i'm feeling is real, and that's like the worst part of it because then i can't do anything about how i feel?? like is this just a phase?? am i going to cut my hair and then regret it after? am i going to wish i never said this stuff two or three months from now? like the whole thing makes me kinda wanna
*drags face slowly across a cheese grater*

but at the same time i WANT to be confused about this now so i don't put it off for thirty years and then suddenly realize i don't fit with the gender i was assigned with when i'm married to someone with three kids or something and then have to change my life with them in it, like idk that seems really selfish to me idk idk

like i know there's no harm in me wearing guy clothes, like i p much already do, and like no one will care but i dunno
as usual
all my problems and insecurities are stemming from myself
fuck
i just realized as i was typing this out holy shit
i'm the one trapping myself and putting limits on myself hoyl shit what htehehll why am i so shitty holy shit why whyw am i so cruel to myself jesus christ
like i'm so angry and literally brimming with hatred at myself, in any gender, so what ehhell fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk fckckkkkckckckkckck

i'm really dysphoric about how i look, like my features don't really completely fit into male or female??????? but i know that when i'm ok thinking of myself as male a lot of weird body insecurities go away and i feel better with food, idk what that means but it's the main thing i've noticed because most days i barely get over 500 or 600 calories when my requirement is like 2200 or somethign indikd kddidk
and like since this my gender identity has come up it's uprooted literally everything else like i don't know if i fit into pansexual anymore and i keep trying to cram myself into either liking only girls or liking only guys and then this voice in the back of my head is like "ooo shit if you like guys then there's no way you can identify as a guy!!! shit das gay!!!" and like now i'm not sure of anything but lmao i guess that's normal for a lot of teenagers i guess so overall i'm not worried about my life in the grand scheme, but on the small scale i'm panicking and like i just want to curl up and sink into the ground or transform into a snake so i can slither the fuck away from everything
like in my head i call myself a boy and use he and i've always always seen myself as masculine and like my mind picture of myself is with short hair but on the outside people are still calling me "little girl" and like my uncle said "good girl" to me today and like i just kind of died, and i'm trying to get used to the name alec too in case i need to start using it irl

and then so like i'll start trying to convince myself i'm cishet but then there's this shitty part of me that'll always pipe up and be like "ooo well shite, if ur so cis, why the hell do you keep crossdressing??? why dont u just leave ur hair down instead of putting it up and tryna make it look like it's short???? why do you do all the things u do??? why hywh yhw y wh" and i'm just like stop p pp p

and then like i feel bad about bombarding everyone with this too and i keep it away from my fam because the last thing i want is for my mom to think i'm taking away her daughter
and like literally as soon as 2014 started this whole dysphoria thing got triggered, like i knew i never really fit into either gender at any given point in my life but i guess learning more about what gender actually is just kind of hit me and now all my shit is in the air
and i think that's why i can't stand to see genderbent elsa
it's like
i get compared to elsa a lot irl bc i'm blond or swedish or whatever the fuck reason people use idegaf
and seeing her get genderbent is like
no
genderbend me instead




and like ya i feel u with identifying urself as genderqueer/male
like guh im just sooo lost like i feel like i fell and i cant get up and like u kno how i started like a word document where i would keep track of this gender bullshit?? the last entry was basically me ending it with "fuck my ass" repeatedly and if that doesn't sum up my feelings towards this whole thing then i dont know what does

Lily09 01-28-2014 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sandy (Post 517436)
uh god i just want to like slowly stab myself because like this is what it feels like?????? like every time i look into the mirror or try to find clothes i want to wear for the day it's like i have like multiple knives in my chest and i have to go to school and talk to people and know that people see me as a girl and like the only way i can describe it is having multiple mental breakdowns slowly throughout the day and they never end but at the same time i'm never sure if what i'm feeling is real, and that's like the worst part of it because then i can't do anything about how i feel?? like is this just a phase?? am i going to cut my hair and then regret it after? am i going to wish i never said this stuff two or three months from now? like the whole thing makes me kinda wanna
*drags face slowly across a cheese grater*

but at the same time i WANT to be confused about this now so i don't put it off for thirty years and then suddenly realize i don't fit with the gender i was assigned with when i'm married to someone with three kids or something and then have to change my life with them in it, like idk that seems really selfish to me idk idk

like i know there's no harm in me wearing guy clothes, like i p much already do, and like no one will care but i dunno
as usual
all my problems and insecurities are stemming from myself
fuck
i just realized as i was typing this out holy shit
i'm the one trapping myself and putting limits on myself hoyl shit what htehehll why am i so shitty holy shit why whyw am i so cruel to myself jesus christ
like i'm so angry and literally brimming with hatred at myself, in any gender, so what ehhell fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk fckckkkkckckckkckck

i'm really dysphoric about how i look, like my features don't really completely fit into male or female??????? but i know that when i'm ok thinking of myself as male a lot of weird body insecurities go away and i feel better with food, idk what that means but it's the main thing i've noticed because most days i barely get over 500 or 600 calories when my requirement is like 2200 or somethign indikd kddidk
and like since this my gender identity has come up it's uprooted literally everything else like i don't know if i fit into pansexual anymore and i keep trying to cram myself into either liking only girls or liking only guys and then this voice in the back of my head is like "ooo shit if you like guys then there's no way you can identify as a guy!!! shit das gay!!!" and like now i'm not sure of anything but lmao i guess that's normal for a lot of teenagers i guess so overall i'm not worried about my life in the grand scheme, but on the small scale i'm panicking and like i just want to curl up and sink into the ground or transform into a snake so i can slither the fuck away from everything
like in my head i call myself a boy and use he and i've always always seen myself as masculine and like my mind picture of myself is with short hair but on the outside people are still calling me "little girl" and like my uncle said "good girl" to me today and like i just kind of died, and i'm trying to get used to the name alec too in case i need to start using it irl

and then so like i'll start trying to convince myself i'm cishet but then there's this shitty part of me that'll always pipe up and be like "ooo well shite, if ur so cis, why the hell do you keep crossdressing??? why dont u just leave ur hair down instead of putting it up and tryna make it look like it's short???? why do you do all the things u do??? why hywh yhw y wh" and i'm just like stop p pp p

and then like i feel bad about bombarding everyone with this too and i keep it away from my fam because the last thing i want is for my mom to think i'm taking away her daughter
and like literally as soon as 2014 started this whole dysphoria thing got triggered, like i knew i never really fit into either gender at any given point in my life but i guess learning more about what gender actually is just kind of hit me and now all my shit is in the air
and i think that's why i can't stand to see genderbent elsa
it's like
i get compared to elsa a lot irl bc i'm blond or swedish or whatever the fuck reason people use idegaf
and seeing her get genderbent is like
no
genderbend me instead




and like ya i feel u with identifying urself as genderqueer/male
like guh im just sooo lost like i feel like i fell and i cant get up and like u kno how i started like a word document where i would keep track of this gender bullshit?? the last entry was basically me ending it with "fuck my ass" repeatedly and if that doesn't sum up my feelings towards this whole thing then i dont know what does

oh man that sounds shit as fuck!!
as for being confused ok ur hair will grow back and as long as u dont jump onto HRT immediately all will b ok if u do turn out to be cis!!

well my face is p androgynous too. if thinking ur a male makes u healthier and happier than ya!!! yay!!!
but man its ok its ok like u dont have to like one specific gender like nah its kskskksksktkstk youll figure it out eventually just try ur best not to limit yourself bc that helps 0000000000000000000000000
dood me 2 me 2 my brother calls me lily and i just die my classmates call me lily and i just die my dad calls me "my daughter" and i just die ugh!!!!! it sucks i know *pats ur back* do u want me 2 call u alec and use masculine pronouns?? or do u still want to go with sandy and feminine pronouns. or nongendered pronouns???

ughh but man if ur mom is really supportive of u and loves u she will be accepting and what are u gon do anyway? spend the rest of the time u live with her pretending to be someone ur not?? be unhappy so she can be happy?? nah thats not gonna help anything.

u fell and u cant get up??
help ive fallen and i cant get up i need LIFE ALERT jkjkjkjkkjkkkkkkkkkkkjackbarakat
pour hot sauce into my asshole


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