I WOULD BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON lF U DID

it seems like real people are never any good, sometimes. at least for me. and if good things happen in real life, it is never to me and seems they often occur to the people, and the type of people, I dislike. but then again, I am one of the most worthless, pathetic pieces of trash in existence sometimes, at least, and as much as I may be told it isn't true, which certainly isn't often, i can never believe it. when did I come to have virtually nonexistent self-confidence? and I am so, so afraid of being wrong, afraid of loss and losing, afraid of failure, afraid of abandonment, of never improving, of never being good enough, afraid of people, afraid, afraid, afraid. I've become such an outsider and a lonely, rejected bitch too afraid of everything and too obsessed with winning and victory to not alienate myself, to not push others away, to not lose most of the positive qualities I may have had back in the day. and most of the rest, they're either fooled or in the end I'm not their priority and so neither are good enough. and I dont trust any of them anymore, or sometimes I just don't like them, and I generally care only for myself unless someone manages to get far enough in. I know my first person other than myself is probably L, my best friend, and I don't know how much he knows but I just can't comprehend why he's bothered to stick around sometimes, he could have easily given up on me, like everyone else did last year, or simply ignored or turned a blind eye to my issues and pretending everything's alright, or still talking to me but just not caring enough anymore. and I have too much to say and too much inability to express myself, and this and I are just so stupidly pathetic, and calling myself pathetic like this all the time and my lack of self confidence is also so pathetic, and when I enter freshman year in a week I'll never be able to make any real friends, there's nothing to like. this summer, I went to Duke tip summer studies and I actually liked a lot of the people there. I absolutely loved the people in my class, we actually felt like a team, and a family, and I? dont? Understand? and that feeling, a team, a family, it's scary. I felt like an outsider at first but they were so nice, and I eventually became closer to them, though I was probably one of the most closed–up people of the class. and I can't even think how to express the rest of the billion things I still need to vent on because there are too many thoughts clamoring for attention in my head and thus none of them will get it, and I'm so blocked and I can't do anything and in the end I amount to nothing and I am nothing. And there's not anything, only escapism and fictional characters that I love that I often talk to more than real goddamn people because real people are scary and can reject me and can hurt me and super awesome things only happen in mangas and tv and movies and books, in the end I'm a pessimistic perfectionist extremist who won't accept anything less than perfect "I set my expectations high, so nothing ever comes out right" so I'm just a shitty self fulfilled prophecy without a purpose who can't believe in anything yet can't give up on the belief in quixotic fantasies which are only real in fiction but fiction is a better reality to submerge yourself in than reality itself and God, see why I wonder why L sticks around? Hell, I actually trust the guy, at least more than I trust anyone else, but even though I feel like I could tell him things, because we are the same, because we are best friends though I can't help but fear that I care more than him, that he is my best friend but I am not his, but I can't think that way, it's unforgiveable and I am unwaveringly loyal, and yet everyone likes him and heroifies him and I'm resentful of them and envious of him, no I hate them, but I will never, ever hate him. He's gotten in enough and wouldn't hate me, wouldn't judge me, hopefully wouldn't just brush me off but I'm so afraid on that one, but I can't help but think I couldn't bear to burden him with my shitty waste-of-time problems even though he has my trust and utter loyalty but I'm not so sure I have his, and yet he must be loyal to me to have bothered to stay and I think he does trust me but do I really trust him? God, I'm a pathetic asshole. I can't think enough to word anymore, other than that I'll probably crash and burn in high school because a) L won't be going to the same school, b) my friend S lives far away but sometimes I can't trust her either despite she being one of the very few people I like 100% of the time, along with L, c) N lives further away and is very important and very complicated, d) orchestra will never work out, e) people will never work out, f) I wont be good enough for anything or anyone, and yet nor will they be for me.

How does one get motivation?

you listen to two steps from hell music

I totally agree with this answer

@ena
so i can relate to more of your post than i thought
i know the fear of people and being rejected and using fictional characters to escape reality and not being good enough, and yes getting attached can be really scary bc half the time im just waiting to mess up and for people to just walk away once they realize how screwed up i am, but with me i think it's just that i think too much. i don't know how your situation is, but when i start to question every action and every word that comes from me, as well as other people, it gets kind of difficult to actually interact or feel confident. add in stupid decisions and stuff from past and i start to question why people bother. i completely understand why you feel that real people are no good, and it can feel pretty unfair when only certain people get all the luck and good things, and that can make life feel pretty shitty in general.
i have struggled (and am still struggling lol) with self-esteem problems, although i usually have highs and lows, but the number one thing that i think would help in any case is to try not to think of could haves and should haves. there are infinite possibilities that might occur but if they haven't, then there's no use contemplating them if they're not going to help in the long run. even if you feel someone could reject you at any moment, if they haven't and it doesn't seem like they will, then i think it's not worth having your mind on it. i know those thoughts can be like a defense mechanism sometimes, to maybe prepare for something inevitable, but trust me, it's not always inevitable even if you feel that way.
also, this probably won't mean much, but you're not pathetic or worthless or a piece of trash. i don't know you that well, and we've only talked about animanga (which is the one wholly perfect and positive thing in life) but honestly, i feel like labels (if any, since im usually not a fan of them) should be left up to others to decide. maybe it's like a thing to prepare yourself for the words coming out of others, but it's not worth it when they just repeat themselves in your head and lower your confidence even more. and even then, even if someone calls you pathetic, just tell yourself that they're not one to judge when they have time in their lives to call someone pathetic when they could be doing something that isn't. so basically what im trying to say is, try not to insult yourself, and try not to let other's words effect you as well. i know im giving my advice in an incredibly tedious and probably nonsensical manner and that i might be misreading your situation completely (i am so sorry if i did) but i do want to help in some way and i hope this works
as for being a perfectionist and setting expectations too high, ive been there, if only about singing, and im gonna say this. if you want to reach your expectations, work harder. if you think you can't, maybe lower them a little bit? or set up a bunch of smaller goals leading up to the big one? i know for a fact that every time i reach my goal, i get a higher one that's more difficult, which may be why im never fully satisfied with my singing, but then again isn't that basically life? you just strive to reach your goals. lowering expectations isn't as easy as i make it sound, i know, but just know that feeling not good enough won't amount to any improvement either. although one can't exactly control that feeling. but yeah, i hope that moderately helps :3
also can i just say that wondering if you care more about a friendship than the other is a terrifying prospect and someone being your first priority but maybe not being theirs is something that is a constant fear in my life? but again, there's no use overthinking it, even tho it's kind of uncontrollable. i think the main thing here is just try to be content with what's going on right now, like you both are friends and he could leave you and he could be someone else's best friend - there is always that possibility - but so far as you know, he isn't, and those thoughts don't need to be in your mind right now c:
and starting high school can be scary af but (as i think i said once before) it's never as scary as we make it out to be. like the day before i started sophomore year in a new continent, i wrote a vent poem about wanting to move back bc i was convinced id mess up and that it would be hell xD but it's not, and it's actually better than school in the past, and i was pleasantly surprised. so that's always a possibility too ^_^

wow okay i wrote a lot and i related to a lot of this and i hope you feel better about at least some of these insecurities and im always there if you want to talk (:

i want to correct people who call me a girl but at the same time im not a boy
also i don't want friends in my classes at all but i know people in my classes and i just want to be the quiet perfect genderfluid valedictorian and first chair flute who doesn't need friends to be perfect at everything and friends just drag me down i want to be perfect ok im better than literally everyone even you probably

my sister refuses to read my book or help with book sales or do anything for me because she hates my book

she hasn't even read my book... so now I have to find someone from school to sell books with me. shit. this would be easier if I had friends.

No dad I don't wanna move stop grilling me not gonna happen you can't just take a teenager from the town, church, house, grandparents, friends, yard, forest, land I grew up in ;;;;

/hug/
i moved last year and i know the feeling aghhh i hope you don't have to move, but if you do then know that it's not gonna be as bad as you think c: