thank youu <3
ill check that out sometime 8)

I know nobody will listen anyway so I might as well spill my guts somewhat.
 

Well. I'm pretty worthless. Useless. Not as much as others though. Ha. I'm not even a good person at all, lol. "To hell with being a good man. To hell with it." (That line didn't come from an iwaoi one shot shut up) I just. Really don't like anyone and have this wrong feeling interacting with people, even though today was a pretty good people day. And I feel like I need the guy I call my best friend more than he needs me, but I'm not gonna burden him with my shitty worthless not-even-issues because he doesn't need me to unload on him but I'm kinda afraid he's gonna leave me like everyone else did and that all the others I sometimes call my friends depending on my mood will get tired of me again and just. Stop. Sure, I'm a romantic, and I want someone to devote themselves to me and want them to romanticize me for once so I don't have to do it myself but ha. I'm just delusional and narcissistic. Plus, I wouldn't be able to give anything to them because I'm selfish and egotistical so why would anyone care. Plus, I'd expect them to be a perfect person and decide based on petty things whether they're good enough or not. I've come to the conclusion that I have to make it on my own because to hell with waiting for someone. And to hell with searching for them too, spending time on others is wasting time you could have spent fulfilling yourself. What do I want? Success, power, feelings of satisfaction and worth, the usual. I haven't changed. It's better than last year, but I'm not. If the guy I used to say was my kouhai until he became first chair and stole it from me so I hated him, even though everyone else positively loved the kid, if he comes back, it'll be the same. I haven't changed or improved. I'll hate him again, because I won't be able to succeed. I'm pathetic because I can't even work hard at all, all I do is run my mouth and spin my wheels. Sure, I do 2+ hours of homework a night and 5+ a weekend and I'm maxing all my classes right now, but I can't get to a better orchestra or make all region or play well or fake well or lie well or manipulate people well or fucking try because yeah, if you're going to hit it of course you should hit it until it breaks but I can't even do the whole effort thing or not cry or get anxious or write or interact or be competent or have good qualities. So. Anyways, there's no point in the first place, but to hell with giving up, too, because what good would that do? Why be even more boring and typical and all-the-same by fucking giving up or not trying in the first place? See, I say things like that, but then I'm useless. I'm also the most self-absorbed piece of shit ever that's 90% delusional 10% attention seeking bitch but lol. I don't have any motivation or inspiration or dedication, I'm really fucking mean, I don't really care about other people very much, I'm not very competent but I'm still a hell of a lot better than the pathetic sort of basic loser who often doesn't understand the actually interesting, acidic (lol) bitch who's obviously the best, the type that usually gets in the goddamn way. They're even more pathetic than I am and sure if they died the economy and the system and other people will be affected but I want to see them pay and I want to see them suffer. But not die. And how much of this is even truth, or how desperate am I to say something interesting and get attention? Things are better on the outside but on the inside I only draw further inside this hole that grows. Why? There's no purpose, I'm just going through the motions of everything when I'm only full of negative emotion (and I fucking hate emotions) and emptiness. I'm nothing special, not talented, not a genius, not a prodigy, not good enough to amount to anything, and if I think that way I definitely won't be able to but what other way is there that isn't even more delusional than I already know I am? I like to think in absolutes, and I like to dream of absolutes. I like to think in terms of victory but what's the point. There's no such thing as a positive absolute or a victory if you'll never be satisfied-- but I'll never get to the point of worrying about the problems once you've gotten that far because I'll never amount to anything in the first place and God, this is pathetic. Absolutely fucking pathetic. I've pondered all the possible routes I can see or think of and I see no way out of this hole that grows.

alright. first things first.

you aren't a selfish bitch or worthless or useless or any of that shit. I know you don't believe me, but you can't base your entire life philosophy off of assumptions like that. also I seriously doubt you're not talented, but even if you aren't, that doesn't take away from how awesome you are. You don't need to be talented or a genius or a prodigy to be the most fuckin rad girl/guy/person you can be. Again, don't base everything you believe in off of "I'm talented and good at what I do" or "I'm a useless piece of shit" that's actually a super bad idea and it's not healthy and you need to try the best you can do not do that. I recently got stuck in second place in the school talent show and I'm a little down about that, but one of my best friends won first so that's okay. Point is, I don't automatically assume I'm untalented and worthless (god I sound self-righteous please don't take this the wrong way) because hey I'm not a terrible singer. And you're probably freaking awesome at what you do, even if you don't get first chair or all state or whatever tf you want to do with it.

also there's the thing about the friends okay I don't even pretend to understand your situation and what's going through your head right now, but you're your own person. If your friends are real, they're going to be there for you, and if they're not, fuck them.

lastly, I don't know how far you've gone thinking about this, but suicide isn't the answer. It's just not. It's not the "only way out" and even if it seems to be, you need to straight up stop looking for ways out and start living life to the fullest right where you are. I'm not going to tell you it gets better because I'm sure you've heard that enough, but sometimes even if the situation is shitty, you can keep going and love yourself. Hey, you happen to be a totally radically awesome individual, and if that's all you've got, have fun with it. Get some cute shoes (just a hint: it's bootie weather) or some new clothes that make you feel good about yourself. Try something new with your hair. Watch musicals. Laugh. Sing. Go out alone to the movies and eat all the popcorn yourself. Drink capri suns.

You've got this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8S3wdbkgE4

also this is the talent show I went to and believe it or not this epic work of art got second place darn it XD

im never on here anymore and no one ever really cared about me on this website but i love you all and you all mean SO MUCH to me so i hope everything turns out alright for you guys (which i know it will) <33

HEY I CARE
i hope you're doing great too <3

First, I was literally just thinking about how it sucks that you're never around here anymore. Second, WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH AND I HOPE YOURE DOING FANTASTIC <3333

yo megan!! im not really on anymore either but im glad i saw this bc i care and i rly hope ur doing well !!!

hey i know the feel, im rly tired these days too in more ways than one. hormones are crap and it would be excellent if everything figured itself out. however since that rarely happens, looking for alternatives like outlets for ur feelings and stuff may help. about the class stuff tho, if you feel overwhelmed then u should definitely tell ur teacher about it because that's the best way to solve the problem c: if you ever need someone to talk to, my contact tab is open. all the issues you brought up are really frustrating i totally understand /hug/