fyi - pro-choice doesn't mean pro-abortion, it means that you believe in peoples' right to choose what's right for their body. even if you wouldn't personally have an abortion, pro-choice means you believe in others' right to do so.

thanks guys, i'm feeling a whole less panicked. <3

a
boy
called
me
cute
i
cannot
even

well kids im doing awful and i want to die everyday

heyy u u are perfect please don't ever even doubt it
and ik it kind of sucks sometimes but honestly it will get so much better so hang in there c:

i feel like i'm taking the easy way out withdrawing from the course but honestly??? i can't handle two summer courses and if i have to prioritize between my mental health and my transcript then you can bet i'm going the easy way out because screw feeling like absolute hell, i feel enough of that without the external pressure, there is anime to watch and friends to hang out with and the rest of summer to enjoy and i am not going to waste it by being overwhelmed by anxiety 24/7 because of some stupid summer course i am so d o n e.

(not having to take the course in school won't mean anything if i'm not alive by then so quitting is probably the best option anyway)

thank u ur so kind but it's so difficult

haha so this is really stupid but I had to get a shot today that I am slightly allergic to, so I've been at home feeling sick and in pain when I move (also my brother has been being a jerk to me) and my friends went to the pool nearby and they told me as they were walking by my house that they would come stop by on the way back to try and make me feel better. so this made me super happy because they've been jerks multiple times to me and also I've just been feeling really sad lately. they forgot about me completely and didn't come.
I should have realized this was going to happen but I guess I'm just a wishful idiot

ok, so i decided to share this, because it's important, and you all need to hear it.

and i would've typed this earlier, but welcome to the black parade came on so i had to leave and scream on top of my roof but annnnyway~

today i had my first (?) anxiety attack. it happened at the lake. this family of five from church came today to join us and our friends. now - my mom mentioned they would be bringing some people from their homeschool group. i tried to prepare myself. i was not prepared. in swarms, they came. and they were strangers and they were intruding on this private thing and they were so freaking close to us and it was so intimate, and i couldn't handle it. i freaked the hecky dizzle out. it started out sorta normal. i laughed it off. i broke from the group and started pacing. then i started panting through my mouth. the girl we took (let's call her sylvia for no apparent reason) with us, her brother and a pair of grownup friends (they're going to be mikhail and aria) came along. they also had a dog. they were across the small beach from them. i sort of hung around them, told the boy (let's call him elias) about the people and how i was a bit freaked out. we shared an uneasy laugh, sort of like "i get it". i started to go back to the massive group, now teeming with people, and i began to feel panicky. a wave of tears washed over me, and my heart was racing, and i was now hyperventilating like crazy. when my mom came over and asked what was wrong, i told her, and that's when i started being unable to breathe very well and i wanted to hide. mom then asked if i could hang out with sylvia, elias, mikhail, and aria. i sat in silence calming down and engaging in a little conversation. my friend sylvia kept asking if i was okay. aria told me she was the high school counselor. she was very sweet to me, and i told her i thought i was having an attack. after the dog rolled in goose crap, mikhail and elias took her to the showers. she asked me, "how long have you been having attacks?" i told her this was my first one. she listed some symptoms, and i told her which ones i had. she explained what a panic attack was and what an anxiety attack was. she said i probably had an anxiety attack. i told her i was feeling better. about twenty or so minutes later, my mom came back and told me to come back to the group. terrified and panting and tearing up, i followed her. i found one of my friends and sat next to her. instantly, she asked what was wrong. when i told her, she put down her book, sat beside me, and helped me breathe deeply.

my point is, aria barely knew me, and she tried to help. both my friends were concerned for me, and one helped me. i was thinking about this in the shower, and i realized something.

people do care. people will always care.

thank you lovelies and keep me in your prayers - i feel like i've been under a lot of emotional stress these days and lots of my time at night is spent worrying, but it comes and goes, so

Wow that's terrifying. *hugs* I hope you feel better and I'm glad you figured it out. my sister gets panic attacks and I know how horrible it is to feel so out of control in your own body. <3