| soph-soph27 |
10-05-2012 09:55 PM |
I don't flipping care if you told me not to read. My reply.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeatherB
(Post 346720)
WHY ARE YOU COMING BACK NOW, GODDAMMIT?? You couldn't have waited till the end of the school year or something? When I actually had the time to sit and stare and cry this all out? You're interrupting my homework, not that I really mind that, but it's pissing my parents off that I 'manage my time' better or whatever the hell it is they want me to do today and why can't I do anything anymore? My story ocean has dried up and though there were plenty of fish in the sea, now they're all flopping around dead because there's no water to thrive it. And dammit if that isn't one of the most pitiful metaphors I've ever used. I just don't feel like doing this right now, so please leave. Please take your stupid wintry self and eff off. This is actually painful, believe it or not, and even though I understand why people want to cut and I actually almost scratched my arms to the point of bleeding with my chipped-off blunted nail, long pink rivers running down their length, I didn't actually want to feel the pain you understand just to understand why someone would do something like that. And now I know and I don't even know if I like the pain anymore so whatever I don't care. This's getting crazy out of hand and I can't shut up and I don't know when to stop or what's enough or what to say and no. No. I can't do this anymore, I won't do this anymore. I want to kill you, but to do that I have to reach into my chest and that's a tiddlybit grody, so oops. But if I started cutting, would the pain be enough to keep me going? I don't think so. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do and nothing's enough and I can't stop and I can't control my words anymore so to anyone I've ever hurt with them I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry but you don't believe me and you won't believe me and yeah, this is what goes on my screwed-up head all day long while I listen to everyone around me and talk without knowing what I'm saying and tell some people some things and leave others out, I'm not fair and neither is life, but who cares no one does anymore, no one cares anymore. I just wish I could go back and immerse myself in circus, but I have Glee, and I don't know if I've told anyone the true reason I like their music is because I discovered it when I was having a Day (you know, a capital D-is-for-Depression Day) and it just made me feel twenty times happier and also Chris Colfer is a beautiful flawless person (who, if he was ten years younger and not gay, should be my husband in due time), but that is not really the point here. The point is is that's why I like it, and of course I want other people to like it too, that's what I do with obsessions, I force them on other people because that's just what I do. I can't have anything all to myself ever, not even this stupid goddamned depression, and I guess that's a good thing because everything's bound to come out in the end anyways, like my journal with its cover ripped off from wear and tear. I'm just going to spill out everything eventually and no one's going to like me anymore, so I have to keep my lid shut but if there's one thing I suck at in life it's not talking and so I don't know if I can shut up for the one time it really kinda actually counts. Also this is all a bunch of BS and I'll probably be a lot better once I've listened to approximately fifty more Glee songs and some Neon Trees and ESPECIALLY Green Day because Green Day effing rocks, so like I said in the title, don't pay any attention to this stupid dumbass rant and HEY, why are you still reading?
... gone now? Good. All righty, continuing on. So also there's all this high school stuff which is TOTALLY not helping and all of a sudden my parents have become the World's Biggest Hypocrites Who Aren't Politicians, ladeeda whoopdeedoo. And then test after test after effing test in school and if that doesn't do enough to explode my brain lord knows what will. And also this book I'm reading which relates to absolutely nothing expect for the fact that I only like two out of the six-ish main characters it has, and I really really hate it sort of except for I can tell it will get better and that's what's keeping me going. Problem: I can't tell when I will get better and that's what I need right now, not dumb depression weighing me down among a thousand other things that just aren't working out in my life right now. This isn't important and people probably have a lot better things to vent about and need some TLC for right now so I'll just end here even though this isn't half of what I wanted to say plus five million other things that I never even planned to write. Yay. Bye. Don't read this crap.
|
Not sure what you want me to say- wait- you didn't want anyone to read it? WELL TOO F***ING BAD. I'M YOUR F***ING FRIEND. You may be depressed, but you are still that girl who I met back in 5th grade, that girl who if flipping confident about everything she does, that girl who never flinches on the outside, and then I come here from school and find out that your heart is bleeding inside and you're crying inside the entire time. You're killing me, you're dragging me down with you here, and if I'm gone, I can't try to help, cause even if you don't want help, I'm your F***ING FRIEND, and I can't tell you I know who you feel, but I'm getting this "vibe" that you need everything to just STOP. Just to STOP and not to start again until you're ready? Cause I know that feeling really well. Heather, I can't stand seeing you like this, you were always- you still are the confident one, the one who hides in the girls bathroom when you try to avoid something, the one who I share half my inside jokes with, and the one who I need to be strong, so I can be strong for you. There has never been a time that I can clearly remember that YOU have not helped me. What about the AT? When I missed my dad, you came over to me, hugged me and said: You have friends here, I'm your friend, you're going to be alright Sophia. And I was. Well, look at that. I hope you don't think this is the end of my post, because if you know me from 5th grade, there's more. I'm not sure if you can see this, but sometimes you slip, and I can see the worry behind your face. Usually it's just a normal day and I come home to see you posted on EV, and I worry day and night. But sometimes your game face slips, and that's when I worry more, because you present such a large image, you added so much to me, like a painting without the sunset. I need you. |
