Originally Posted by TheAshWolf (Post 446247)

:/

I’ve never been embarrassed to be a writer. Not until recently.

I wish I remember when I first realized I was a writer. I don’t really think there was one single moment, actually. I've been making up stories for as long as I can remember. I just eventually got used to coming home from school every day and going straight to my computer or notebook to write down the thoughts and lyrics and short stories my mind had woven together that day. I didn’t really notice when my short stories started to blossom into entire novellas. By the time I started telling my relatives and fellow social outcasts about my stories, I had honestly started to think of myself as an author, a writer, a storyteller. And I loved it.

Now…things just seem…different. I don’t think anything’s changed, though—at least not when I sit down and physically write, when I immerse myself in my story. I have so much fun when I do that, it’s almost indescribable. It’s when people in my life say it out loud that I start feeling strange.

“…kind of like your book.” Eye twitches, breath catches in throat, heart pounds. “How’s your Troodainia book going?” Cringe internally, smile awkwardly, heart races, mutter a quick answer, then change the subject. “Writing any more stories?” Nod slightly, look down, fake a smile, mumble a few book titles, ignore erratic pulse, change the subject. “Oh, you’re a writer?” Stomach flops, jaw clenches, heart pounds, nod slowly, resist urge to find a nice rock to crawl under.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Now, whenever someone mentions it—specifically someone I really look up to—I just want to dig a hole and bury myself in it, so I can just be forgotten.

This feeling is scaring me. I don’t understand it at all. Is it because I know some people don’t want to take me seriously when they hear I’m a writer? Is it because they appear to be almost amused with me? Or is it just because I’m an awkward person who’s just gotten even MORE self-conscious lately? Am I just subconsciously looking for an excuse to stay away from people? Am I getting tired of my own soul story? Am I getting tired of myself?

I honestly have no idea. And that’s what scares me the most.

._.

I just want this feeling to go away, go away, go away—my list of hopelessly confusing feelings is already way too long; I don’t need to add another to the list.

*sigh*



....I usually don't agree with the saying "misery loves company," but I have to admit, if anyone else feels this way, or used to, it would make me feel a lot better about all this. x_x

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 446290)

Ever get that feeling when you want to slap yourself for being so stubborn and bitchy? The person is only trying to help and then you say something that you wish you could take back because that person only wanted the best. And as much as you'd like to talk to him and start up the conversation again because you really like talking to him, there's an uncomfortable space of 'how do I start this up again?' And you just kind of wished you just went along and said, "yeah, okay." And you wish you weren't so messed up too and you also that there will never be this type of situation again because it feels awful because you really like talking to the person.
*sighs*

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 446341)

i had to listen to my mom explain my 'situation' to the therapist's office, and she was all "welllllll....... heather's been feeling depressed lately and her doctor recommended this" hahaha NO i've been feeling depressed for the last three years and it's not even a fucking EMOTION, it's just there like the blackness around the corners of my eyes waiting for every time my life gets worse, even just for a millisecond and for the tiniest amount of not-better-ness, it grabs onto it and it pulls me under and the worst part is, i let it do that. and i smile and laugh and i am NOT HAPPY, do you understand, mom? but of course you don't. this is why i didn't tell you. three years is a long time to keep a secret. and now you're telling me, "oh btw you shouldn't tell any of your friends about the therapy, you know it's a PERSONAL matter, it's a FAMILY thing" well i shit you not who do you think i turned to when things got bad? it sure as shit wasn't you, mom. i know it's personal, but if i can't talk to you about it, who can i talk to? and if you think i'm talking to a therapist you're wrong. it's one thing to type something via the internet, where i can sit here and cry all i want and no one judges me for it. it's another thing to be sitting in an office with a lady i don't even know who asks me questions and doesn't bother to comfort me, just gives mocking looks of sympathy that are terribly unhelpful given the circumstances. geez, if i'm lucky she'll offer me a tissue. if i'm not, well, who the fuck knows. i know at one point i wanted a therapist but that point's gone. i can't talk to anyone i don't even know about this. i just can't.

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 446344)

Tonight I will attempt to ignore that I'm a worthless piece of shit, and eat dinner and watch the new Doctor Who episode ^-^

Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom (Post 446344)

Tonight I will attempt to ignore that I'm a worthless piece of shit, and eat dinner and watch the new Doctor Who episode ^-^

@Heather: *Hugs* I'm sorry… I hope it helps. :/ *possibly also going to therapy soon* If the therapist doesn't help, you should try to see if you can find a different one. You deserve someone who's actually good at helping.

Originally Posted by cheezemziez (Post 446348)

I second what Isaac said.
There are also online sites that can give you professional advice, if you're not comfortable with sitting in a room with a randomer. It's not the same as a therapist, but it generally helps people.
And we'll always be here if you need us, Heather.

Originally Posted by cheezemziez (Post 446349)

You are not a worthless piece of shit. But well done for ignoring the lies, and for eating and for watching awesome stuff.

Originally Posted by HeatherB (Post 446372)

secon ded.

Originally Posted by cheezemziez (Post 446348)

I second what Isaac said.
There are also online sites that can give you professional advice, if you're not comfortable with sitting in a room with a randomer. It's not the same as a therapist, but it generally helps people.
And we'll always be here if you need us, Heather.

Originally Posted by Lily09 (Post 446488)

ugh why did i have to find that out
i really wish i wasn't told that
is there really anyone i can actually fucking trust