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Old 01-16-2020, 10:53 AM
Werty Werty is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: in my house doing "remote learning"
Posts: 1,188
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zelda View Post
Do you want to talk about it?

I don't know. I'm just-- stressed. I have a shit ton of stuff going on. My mental health has been down the drain. My friend (who's only 12, going to be 13 soon) cuts herself and is suicidal. I'm always fighting with my mom. My dad is transphobic and right-wing and although I'm cis it saddens me. I'm constantly-- well, not dissasociating, but just going- "who am I? why did I do that? Am I really myself? do I really have control over my own actions? Is something else controlling me?" I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm hungry. I don't ever drink enough water. I was being bullied by a girl in my chorus class. (That should be over). I'm constantly worrying that I'm embarrassing myself or if I'm being awkward or annoying or if the people I'm hanging out with don't like me. I still feel like I'm losing certain friendships that I rested a lot of my self-respect on how they treated me. People are always asking me for help and advice and I want to help and advise them but with everything I have to think I... I want to talk about a lot of things.

The only good news is I put something on tumblr about every note being another day people want her to stay alive and that I would show it to her if it reached a lot and it's nearly at 2000, I'm on school wifi so I can't check but I'm sure it's there by now. I'm waiting for when her current happy streak she's on fades away to show her. I wish it wouldn't go away, but I know better.

I also feel like I don't have a valid reason to be sad or angry when I am. I feel like my coping mechanism, which is distraction and acting online like I normally do, or laughing during an argument, isn't valid, even though it helps. It helps me, and that's all I should care about, right?

people would hate me if they knew everything. I'm a bad person sometimes. I think I have ADHD. I'm paranoid and jump to conclusions about people because of an experience a while back. I feel like people hate me. But I also feel bad for feeling bad, because people aare going through so much worse.

I don't know who I am. I don't know why i'm here. But I sometimes wish I was literally anyone else. Someone with a valid reason to be sad, or angry, or loud, or Not Okay.

I'm just not mentally stable. Add that with midterms, a play and a concert for the choir i perform in outside of school all being over this week and the next two, I'm just not okay.

...
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