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  #18841  
Old 10-30-2016, 12:53 AM
Ember Ember is offline
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I feel myself paling. like I'm just bleached out colors. there isn't any of myself left in here. I used to think beautifully. now I watch the night fall and think to myself how pleasant it is to fall away.
I can't speak right now I'm sorry nevermind.
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  #18842  
Old 11-01-2016, 03:41 PM
Graystorm Graystorm is offline
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I tried to kill myself. I didn't get far. I didn't end up in the hospital. No one found out. But I did try. I just ran out of water.
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  #18843  
Old 11-01-2016, 04:27 PM
Swallowtail Swallowtail is offline
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Originally Posted by Graystorm View Post
I tried to kill myself. I didn't get far. I didn't end up in the hospital. No one found out. But I did try. I just ran out of water.
Stormy!! Please don't. I don't know how else to help and I'm sorry but I feel useless. I care about you so so much, ok? And rest assured that your death would affect so many people that you don't know about. Someone at school attempted suicide and had to go to hospital a few weeks back. So many people who he never even knew cared didn't get any sleep at all. Keep on living, please. You can't see me, but I'm sitting here crying in the middle of the art studio. I care so much. If you feel like this another time, call me ok? I'll pick up anytime I physically can, I promise
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  #18844  
Old 11-01-2016, 05:39 PM
SilverMoon SilverMoon is offline
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Originally Posted by july3girl View Post
i'm so fucking tired of feeling bad for posting on here. i know a lot of people have it a lot worse then me and i shouldn't complain about my silly privileged white girl life. i know but i'm just so fucking tired.

i donít know whatís up with me this year, because i just feel so rushed all the time and i feel like have no time to myself. every day is packed full with volleyball, babysitting, tutoring, homework, obligations to my family, obligations to friends and trying to strengthen and save those relationships, trying to read and write everyday to maintain some sort of identity, confirmation, and just everything. i'm so tired. i have no time to myself, and i feel like i'm being lost into all of these ideas of what i'm supposed to do.

i'm supposed to get good, high a's so i can have a good life. i'm doing it, but it's so hard. i'm supposed to write and read every day so i can be unique. so i can be a good writer. so i can have a good life. i'm trying. i'm supposed to know why the hell i like someone. i'm supposed to know how i feel for people. i'm supposed to know if i'm freaking bi. i'm really fucking trying on this one. i'm supposed to be certain of my best friend. i'm supposed to be certain that she loves me like i love her. that i love her the way i used to. it's hard. i'm not used to it being hard. it used to be easy. i'm supposed to know what to say to my friends. i'm supposed to know if we ARE friends. i'm trying. i really am.

i'm supposed to know what to say when i hear them talk about me behind my back. i'm supposed to scream and cry about it. i'm supposed to protest. but it's so fucking complicated. it's fucking complicated. i don't know i don't know. i'm supposed to tell my friends so that they can understand, but i TRIED and one of my best friends said that the main boy, the main whisperer, was just being grouped with the others. that he wasn't like that, because he is her friend. she's wrong. i don't know why they do it. i can't understand what is so wrong with me that i am the target. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

i don't know who is being genuinly nice to me because i know they make fun of me and maybe it's all a big joke. "yeah be nice to stella, see how well she handles it? she's so fucking flustered because no one ever talks to her hahahha." i do think it's a joke sometimes. when the boys are nice to me. i used to think some of them were actually nice but now i hear... i don't even know what i hear. i don't understand i don't know

but i'm fucking trying. and i'm supposed to be trying harder and i'm not supposed to say fucking and my mom yells at me if i say 'god dang it' but it's so hard to care because i am fucking falling apart and i don't know. i love my friends and i love my family but i don't know. i need time and space but for what?

i don't know but i'm fucking trying. i'm fucking trying.

i have a reputation for smiling. i smile all of the time. when i don't hear someone i smile. i smile whenever i talk to someone. when the boys talk to me i smile. but lately it's been getting to hard because i'm too fucking tired and why do they deserve my fucking smiles?
hey your emotions are valid and this sounds a lot like some of what I've been through the past few years (but I'm not like u lol im not a nice person) and well that landed me out of school, a year behind in school, full of pills and in a psychiatric outpatient program -- just because you're privileged doesn't mean you can't have problems, and maybe what I went through was nothing but I don't want you to go through what I did my contact tab is always open
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  #18845  
Old 11-01-2016, 08:20 PM
july3girl july3girl is offline
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Originally Posted by SilverMoon View Post
hey your emotions are valid and this sounds a lot like some of what I've been through the past few years (but I'm not like u lol im not a nice person) and well that landed me out of school, a year behind in school, full of pills and in a psychiatric outpatient program -- just because you're privileged doesn't mean you can't have problems, and maybe what I went through was nothing but I don't want you to go through what I did my contact tab is always open
i honestly don't know what to say. like you actually acknowledging me is just so effing lovely. i'm sorry you ever felt like i did cause i mean it's pretty effing bad lol and i'm sorry that that happened to you. thank you for acknowledging me.
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death doesn't discriminate
between the sinners and the saints

it takes and it takes and it takes
-leslie odom jr and lin manuel miranda, "wait for it," hamilton
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  #18846  
Old 11-01-2016, 08:46 PM
Gracithe1andonly Gracithe1andonly is offline
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I've noticed that Ena isn't a nice person, and I also know that Ena might not approve of this relation, but Jesus wasn't a "nice" person either. He was downright rude and made all the higher-ups suspicious and angry. He got killed for it. But he also did so much good and I can see so much good in Ena's hands. Ena can set this world on fire, which will be uncomfortable for the world. But then, don't you know how a forest grows after a fire? I guess my point is that Ena isn't nice, but Ena is good. I've wanted to talk to Ena about Ena for a while, but I've kept my mouth shut out of fear. I'm something of a coward at the best of times. I'm working on it.
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right in front of me.
talk some sense to me...


-i found, amber run
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  #18847  
Old 11-01-2016, 08:48 PM
AlgebraAddict AlgebraAddict is offline
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Originally Posted by Graystorm View Post
I tried to kill myself. I didn't get far. I didn't end up in the hospital. No one found out. But I did try. I just ran out of water.
hi stormy this is esther here
you are a lovely and beautiful human being and it hurts me so badly to think that you are suffering this way. please hang in there dearest and email me for my phone number if you need anything at all. i love you so much please be okay.
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s i g n
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  #18848  
Old 11-01-2016, 08:52 PM
Gracithe1andonly Gracithe1andonly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by july3girl View Post
i'm so fucking tired of feeling bad for posting on here. i know a lot of people have it a lot worse then me and i shouldn't complain about my silly privileged white girl life. i know but i'm just so fucking tired.

i donít know whatís up with me this year, because i just feel so rushed all the time and i feel like have no time to myself. every day is packed full with volleyball, babysitting, tutoring, homework, obligations to my family, obligations to friends and trying to strengthen and save those relationships, trying to read and write everyday to maintain some sort of identity, confirmation, and just everything. i'm so tired. i have no time to myself, and i feel like i'm being lost into all of these ideas of what i'm supposed to do.

i'm supposed to get good, high a's so i can have a good life. i'm doing it, but it's so hard. i'm supposed to write and read every day so i can be unique. so i can be a good writer. so i can have a good life. i'm trying. i'm supposed to know why the hell i like someone. i'm supposed to know how i feel for people. i'm supposed to know if i'm freaking bi. i'm really fucking trying on this one. i'm supposed to be certain of my best friend. i'm supposed to be certain that she loves me like i love her. that i love her the way i used to. it's hard. i'm not used to it being hard. it used to be easy. i'm supposed to know what to say to my friends. i'm supposed to know if we ARE friends. i'm trying. i really am.

i'm supposed to know what to say when i hear them talk about me behind my back. i'm supposed to scream and cry about it. i'm supposed to protest. but it's so fucking complicated. it's fucking complicated. i don't know i don't know. i'm supposed to tell my friends so that they can understand, but i TRIED and one of my best friends said that the main boy, the main whisperer, was just being grouped with the others. that he wasn't like that, because he is her friend. she's wrong. i don't know why they do it. i can't understand what is so wrong with me that i am the target. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

i don't know who is being genuinly nice to me because i know they make fun of me and maybe it's all a big joke. "yeah be nice to stella, see how well she handles it? she's so fucking flustered because no one ever talks to her hahahha." i do think it's a joke sometimes. when the boys are nice to me. i used to think some of them were actually nice but now i hear... i don't even know what i hear. i don't understand i don't know

but i'm fucking trying. and i'm supposed to be trying harder and i'm not supposed to say fucking and my mom yells at me if i say 'god dang it' but it's so hard to care because i am fucking falling apart and i don't know. i love my friends and i love my family but i don't know. i need time and space but for what?

i don't know but i'm fucking trying. i'm fucking trying.

i have a reputation for smiling. i smile all of the time. when i don't hear someone i smile. i smile whenever i talk to someone. when the boys talk to me i smile. but lately it's been getting to hard because i'm too fucking tired and why do they deserve my fucking smiles?
I too am a privileged white girl who has it pretty damn good. I'm happy in my life right now, and I'm blessed to be so. I also live with a chemical addict.

The part of your life the world sees is the prosperous part. Your problems are valid, or you wouldn't be human.

I think that among other things, society is telling us that we have it too good, which is false.

I can't pretend to understand everything about you, but I'm just wondering... how much power do other people's expectations have over you.

I'm sorry if I sound pretentious and preachy and wise. I don't mean to be. I like sounding like I know what I'm talking about, but I'm just playing it by ear and trying to help. I'm a fourteen-year-old girl who doesn't know much of anything about the world.

I see you, if it helps anything.

You're trying so hard. I'm wondering if a break would help or harm this situation.
__________________
i found love where it wasn't supposed to be;
right in front of me.
talk some sense to me...


-i found, amber run
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  #18849  
Old 11-01-2016, 09:06 PM
Frostblaze Frostblaze is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Graystorm View Post
I tried to kill myself. I didn't get far. I didn't end up in the hospital. No one found out. But I did try. I just ran out of water.
no

nonononono stormy please oh my god i'm so sorry i left you alone i thought you were okay...i was such a fool. i should've checked up on you. is there anything i can do? anything at all? shitshitshit i emailed you today i was afraid this was going to happen.

please listen to me.

don't do this im begging you. im so glad youre alive, im so glad it didn't work. please don't do this to yourself you don't deserve to die!!! look, things are hard, and they suck, but it will get better. i promise you. there are so many people who love you: your grandparents, your dad, your sister, your brother, tyler joseph, josh dun, me, swallowtail, alaska, jesse, snow, hazel, your teachers, your therapist, your classmates, your pets. your mom would not want you to do this. please be okay. please stay alive and stay safe. there is a God out there who loves you and wants to know you. there is a God who sent his son to die for you. you are worth dying for. he would've done it just for you and no one else. please come find me whenever you need me, because i'll be here. i'm not going anywhere, i promise. i'm going to try. we both are. that's all we're going to do, right? please don't be scared to come to me. i will listen and i will help in any way i can. i will stay up with you all night if i must.
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  #18850  
Old 11-01-2016, 09:27 PM
july3girl july3girl is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: In a computer doing mountains of homework
Posts: 790
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gracithe1andonly View Post
I too am a privileged white girl who has it pretty damn good. I'm happy in my life right now, and I'm blessed to be so. I also live with a chemical addict.

The part of your life the world sees is the prosperous part. Your problems are valid, or you wouldn't be human.

I think that among other things, society is telling us that we have it too good, which is false.

I can't pretend to understand everything about you, but I'm just wondering... how much power do other people's expectations have over you.

I'm sorry if I sound pretentious and preachy and wise. I don't mean to be. I like sounding like I know what I'm talking about, but I'm just playing it by ear and trying to help. I'm a fourteen-year-old girl who doesn't know much of anything about the world.

I see you, if it helps anything.

You're trying so hard. I'm wondering if a break would help or harm this situation.
a lot. a whole fucking lot. for me at least.

mostly though it's my own expectations, i think. i've always been like that. i set really really really high expectations for myself that are fucking hard to acheive. i tell myself that i have to get good, high a's because if i am not smart then what am i? i am smart is the thing. i get good grades. i'm doing well on these horrible fucking tests that determine my future. but always, ALWAYS i hear that voice in my head telling me to be better.

i've always been this way. my friends have always been overacheivers, and i wasn't so then i had to raise my expectations to force it into me and it worked. but it kept on happening. i kept on raising my expectations for myself, to give a piece of myself in everything, but there is just not enough hours of the day.

i'm holding on for thanksgiving. everything will calm down because i'll have a couple days of peace and i can relax. but then again i see my grandparents those days (yknow. the southern, ultra-conservative homophobe grandparents. just another thing to worry about along with my horrible sexuality crisis haha). i don't know.

thank you.
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death doesn't discriminate
between the sinners and the saints

it takes and it takes and it takes
-leslie odom jr and lin manuel miranda, "wait for it," hamilton
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