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  #11  
Old 10-15-2014, 05:13 PM
AnnaMator AnnaMator is offline
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Originally Posted by saphiremoon View Post
(A/N: I don't know if I'm supposed to comment on this before I post my blurb or...? But I shall attempt to anyways c: ).

I like the idea, although there's been a lot of teen dystopian around lately (don't let that stop you, though). It's an interesting premise– the only thing I don't really like is Jessa's character, from what I can see so far (which isn't very much XP). I think that her being part of the Top is fine, although a little... "Mary-Sueish", perhaps? But it's part of the plot, so it should be all good. However, I don't really like the idea that she's not excited about it because she doesn't like the celebrity status– I know a lot of people would be like that, but it's become a bit clichéd, because so many books have had the female protagonist not want to be at the top because of that. Maybe– and this could even make a strong character arc– have her want to be part of the Top, but feel guilty because the rest of her family are Norms (and her sister's an Ugly), and become conflicted because of it (which would then increase when she hears about the corruption). Also, the corruption's good, but maybe make it something other than brainwashing– that and mind-controlling have become a lil' overused.

Just my two cents c: Feel free to ignore it– just my opinion (and remember that anything that's clichéd can still be pulled off if it's written right).
I see where you're coming from about Jessa. This was just my rough draft that I wrote based off of a dream with some added detail, so its been changed in my mind a lot from what I wrote here. I went back and forth for a while about the whole "Mary-Sue" thing but ultimately decided she needed to be in the top in order for the story to really unfold. I LOVE YOUR SUGGESTION THOUGH. ABout her feeling conflicted about being in the Top and wanting to be in the Top. That will definitely make it in the story.

About the brainwashing- valid point. I do have to mention, though, that its only part of the corruption. The rest is a big plot point so I can't really post it or else i give up my ending.

And I'll critique yours in a minute.
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  #12  
Old 10-15-2014, 05:35 PM
mysterygirl mysterygirl is offline
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Ok. Here's something I whipped up awhile ago. Thinking of posting it on the NSP

Title: Angels High

Genre: fantasy

In the future earth, us humans dicover two other races besides us: angels and gods. Some humans are chosen especially by the gods to train to become an angel at Angels High School. Later after the school years are over, all of them will see their true angel within. Fate will choose whether they join the Evil Angels or Good Angels. No one can be removed once they're in their group. The two groups of angels have been in war for centuries. But once in a century, a human will train as to be an angel like usual, but will discover they're actually a god/goddess. This is very honorable position and many are wondering about year 4512, and whether the a student might be a goddess/god.

The book follows Jessica Saw, an average girl. She's chosen as a student and trains very hard. Becoming best friends with Elizabeth Turn, the two are sure they'll join the Good Angels. But fate decided and Elizabeth is heir to the Evil Angels. Tied to her destiny, Elizabeth will do anything to become ruler of all three races. But Jessica doesn't follow her friend's destiny. She finds out shes a goddess. Not only that but discovers her true destiny- to bring peace.
Fighting against her best friend, Jessica must be strong to have peace and end the war for good.
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"(>^_^)>#
I made you a waffle

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But then I was like...

(>^#^﹤)
"I'm hungry..."

(>^_^)> So I ate it.
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  #13  
Old 10-15-2014, 05:56 PM
AnnaMator AnnaMator is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mysterygirl View Post
Ok. Here's something I whipped up awhile ago. Thinking of posting it on the NSP

Title: Angels High

Genre: fantasy

In the future earth, us humans dicover two other races besides us: angels and gods. Some humans are chosen especially by the gods to train to become an angel at Angels High School. Later after the school years are over, all of them will see their true angel within. Fate will choose whether they join the Evil Angels or Good Angels. No one can be removed once they're in their group. The two groups of angels have been in war for centuries. But once in a century, a human will train as to be an angel like usual, but will discover they're actually a god/goddess. This is very honorable position and many are wondering about year 4512, and whether the a student might be a goddess/god.

The book follows Jessica Saw, an average girl. She's chosen as a student and trains very hard. Becoming best friends with Elizabeth Turn, the two are sure they'll join the Good Angels. But fate decided and Elizabeth is heir to the Evil Angels. Tied to her destiny, Elizabeth will do anything to become ruler of all three races. But Jessica doesn't follow her friend's destiny. She finds out shes a goddess. Not only that but discovers her true destiny- to bring peace.
Fighting against her best friend, Jessica must be strong to have peace and end the war for good.
Hmmm. It's different, I'll give you that. But if you want my honest opinion… I wouldn't read it. It's just that the whole thing is a bit of a cliche and very cheesy and all. I don't know. I guess someone else might like it.
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  #14  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:03 PM
AnnaMator AnnaMator is offline
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Originally Posted by saphiremoon View Post
Heere's my blurb c: 'Tis for a book I'm planning. I've already posted this on KP, but I'd like to see what people think.

Title: The Timekeeper

Genre: Steampunk romance (hell yea)

Synopsis:

Raven Crescent is a Timekeeper– posing as a commonplace clockmaker, he keeps all of time in synchronization with the Master Clock, ensuring that no rifts split the fabric of the world. He lives a quiet life dedicated to his task– and to the love of his life and fiancé, Tempest.

But when the dreaded witch-hunts seize the London streets again, Raven’s tranquility is shattered. An old grudge from an old enemy finds the Chancellery determined to frame Raven for witchcraft and reveal the secrets he’s been fighting to keep hidden. Tensions between him and Tempest rise as the hunts continue, and the things he’d concealed from even her to keep her safe are backfiring.

To clear his name– and the names of all the other falsely accused citizens–, he has to find the corruption behind the Chancellery and reveal it to the world. But to find the truth, he has to risk all of time, his life, and Tempest– and ask himself how far he’s willing to go to protect her.
This. is. awesome.

Other than that: I can't find anything wrong with this. Other than the fact that I'm not a fan of the name 'Tempest' but that's only because of a really weird personal experience a year or two ago and we don't really need to go into that. I LOVE the whole concept of him keeping the time and if I saw that title on the NSP I would definitely click on it.
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  #15  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:14 PM
Swallowtail Swallowtail is offline
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I might as well do this. WARNING! This idea came to be when I was around...eh, six. So it might be a little stupid.
Title: It doesn't have one just yet.
Genre: Fantasy
Synopsis:
There are eight tribes of squirrels. Six are engaged in a war that has raged for years upon years. The other two withdrew from the war early, knowing they could not win. The war was over a ruby, but eventually the gem vanished, and the tribes then fought over food and land and who stole the ruby, or the Firestone. The story focuses on eight young squirrels, one from each tribe. Through a series of events, they all meet each other, then try to find the Firestone, hopefully bringing peace to the land. On the journey, they have to escape the soldiers from other tribes, and their own.

I haven't got the rest planned out, and I will critique somebody else's synopsis as soon as somebody posts and I realize it.
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  #16  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:29 PM
AnnaMator AnnaMator is offline
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Okay. And because I'm bored I'll post a blurb for my other work in progress. I think I may posted the first chapter on the NSP a year or so ago, but I discontinued it and I am restarting it soon-ish. BTW I know it's cheesy. But sometimes I like to write cheesy fiction, ya know?

Title: Love, Cate
Genre: Realistic Fiction
Synopsis:
Catherine's entire world is rocked when it happens.

"It" refers to the cancer caused death of her sickly twin brother (he was previously called Kade, but Kade and Cate is too close for my liking so in this revision I am looking for a name suggestion for him. I'm thinking maybe Luke? or Daniel? IDK, suggestions please.) He had been diagnosed with leukemia when he was eleven, so Catherine feels like she has been preparing for his death for five years now. When he dies, however, she realizes she wasn't prepared at all- how could somebody ever be prepared for the death of someone that close to them? She is thrown into a crazy whirlwind of emotion that almost sends her into depression.

Catherine's parents become withdrawn. Her mother, Loretta, joins a church and forces Catherine and her father, Jimmy, to attend with her every chance possible. Catherine doesn't like it because she feels like going there is like being thrown into a sea of fake smiles and empty apologies for her loss just because it's 'what Jesus would've done'. However, the one good thing that comes out of it is a friend, Dana Carpenter, the only down to earth person in the entire church who also just so happens to be the preacher's daughter.

Dana is real. She helps lift Catherine out of her depression a little bit. She convinces Catherine to find a method to help her cope, and suggests a method she used when her grandfather died: writing letters. Catherine reluctantly starts to document her life, being sure to include details that would have made her twin laugh and the latest on the local baseball team. A few weeks pass, and Catherine slowly starts to feel a little more settled with the idea of her brother being gone.

Life doesn't slow down for Catherine, the rest of the world moving on from her brother's death like nothing ever happened. Her grades start slipping, and she lets lots of friendships go. Besides Dana, the only person she really talks to at school anymore is her brother's best friend Elijah Wells, who's got a gentle soul and doesn't beat around the bush. Catherine still talks to him because she feels like he's the closest thing she has to her brother.

Over the next school year, Catherine learns valuable lessons in letting go and moving on. On July 27th, the first anniversary of her brother's death, she feels the need to do something big: So she takes all the letters use wrote (167 to be exact), puts them in a shoebox, and buries them. In the graveyard,a few feet form her brother's grave. this final act of letting go ends the book on a totally cliche note and now we are done with possibly the most cliche story ever. But I really don't care about the cliche-ness of it.
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  #17  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:31 PM
AnnaMator AnnaMator is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swallowtail View Post
I might as well do this. WARNING! This idea came to be when I was around...eh, six. So it might be a little stupid.
Title: It doesn't have one just yet.
Genre: Fantasy
Synopsis:
There are eight tribes of squirrels. Six are engaged in a war that has raged for years upon years. The other two withdrew from the war early, knowing they could not win. The war was over a ruby, but eventually the gem vanished, and the tribes then fought over food and land and who stole the ruby, or the Firestone. The story focuses on eight young squirrels, one from each tribe. Through a series of events, they all meet each other, then try to find the Firestone, hopefully bringing peace to the land. On the journey, they have to escape the soldiers from other tribes, and their own.

I haven't got the rest planned out, and I will critique somebody else's synopsis as soon as somebody posts and I realize it.
Wait- squirrels? I think that's all I need to put in the critique. BTW, if you came up with that when you were six… then it's pretty fantastic!
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  #18  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:45 PM
Swallowtail Swallowtail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaMator View Post
Wait- squirrels? I think that's all I need to put in the critique. BTW, if you came up with that when you were six… then it's pretty fantastic!
Thanks! It's all about squirrels because I used to be obsessed with them, and now I have no better story ideas.
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  #19  
Old 10-15-2014, 06:49 PM
Swallowtail Swallowtail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnaMator View Post
Okay. And because I'm bored I'll post a blurb for my other work in progress. I think I may posted the first chapter on the NSP a year or so ago, but I discontinued it and I am restarting it soon-ish. BTW I know it's cheesy. But sometimes I like to write cheesy fiction, ya know?

Title: Love, Cate
Genre: Realistic Fiction
Synopsis:
Catherine's entire world is rocked when it happens.

"It" refers to the cancer caused death of her sickly twin brother (he was previously called Kade, but Kade and Cate is too close for my liking so in this revision I am looking for a name suggestion for him. I'm thinking maybe Luke? or Daniel? IDK, suggestions please.) He had been diagnosed with leukemia when he was eleven, so Catherine feels like she has been preparing for his death for five years now. When he dies, however, she realizes she wasn't prepared at all- how could somebody ever be prepared for the death of someone that close to them? She is thrown into a crazy whirlwind of emotion that almost sends her into depression.

Catherine's parents become withdrawn. Her mother, Loretta, joins a church and forces Catherine and her father, Jimmy, to attend with her every chance possible. Catherine doesn't like it because she feels like going there is like being thrown into a sea of fake smiles and empty apologies for her loss just because it's 'what Jesus would've done'. However, the one good thing that comes out of it is a friend, Dana Carpenter, the only down to earth person in the entire church who also just so happens to be the preacher's daughter.

Dana is real. She helps lift Catherine out of her depression a little bit. She convinces Catherine to find a method to help her cope, and suggests a method she used when her grandfather died: writing letters. Catherine reluctantly starts to document her life, being sure to include details that would have made her twin laugh and the latest on the local baseball team. A few weeks pass, and Catherine slowly starts to feel a little more settled with the idea of her brother being gone.

Life doesn't slow down for Catherine, the rest of the world moving on from her brother's death like nothing ever happened. Her grades start slipping, and she lets lots of friendships go. Besides Dana, the only person she really talks to at school anymore is her brother's best friend Elijah Wells, who's got a gentle soul and doesn't beat around the bush. Catherine still talks to him because she feels like he's the closest thing she has to her brother.

Over the next school year, Catherine learns valuable lessons in letting go and moving on. On July 27th, the first anniversary of her brother's death, she feels the need to do something big: So she takes all the letters use wrote (167 to be exact), puts them in a shoebox, and buries them. In the graveyard,a few feet form her brother's grave. this final act of letting go ends the book on a totally cliche note and now we are done with possibly the most cliche story ever. But I really don't care about the cliche-ness of it.
I do think it is cliche, but, if you really develop the characters and focus on everything unique about them, then it could be a pretty good story. The ending also could be tweaked making it a little less cliche, but cheesy endings can be fun.
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  #20  
Old 10-15-2014, 08:36 PM
AnnaMator AnnaMator is offline
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Originally Posted by Swallowtail View Post
I do think it is cliche, but, if you really develop the characters and focus on everything unique about them, then it could be a pretty good story. The ending also could be tweaked making it a little less cliche, but cheesy endings can be fun.
Sometimes i write a cliche story with exactly that focus- working on my character development. Trust me, using the characters to make something SO overly cliche not so cliche can be difficult, but it really helps with that skill! And yeah the ending could use some work. But whatever.
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