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  #91  
Old 09-20-2014, 05:09 PM
saphiremoon saphiremoon is offline
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ahh so i'm stuck again

i just need feedback... do you guys think that this is alright? i mean i've continued it on, but the thing is, it's too long. so i was thinking of ending it right there. what do you guys think? is it too awkward a place to end? should i rewrite it entirely? i know the pacing is off but does it need to be trashed and redone?
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  #92  
Old 09-21-2014, 05:01 AM
Bridie Bridie is offline
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i am writing kind of dark fantasy story and desperately need ideas for the title. I posted a snippet of it a while ago and have decided to continue it but need a title. Could you please read it and suggest some names? I desperately need help: http://www.kidpub.com/story/snippet-...ing-2321148021
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  #93  
Old 10-18-2014, 03:58 PM
saphiremoon saphiremoon is offline
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opening lines for chapters anyone

i've been stuck for over a month holy shit
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  #94  
Old 10-20-2014, 06:06 PM
saphiremoon saphiremoon is offline
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brief rant time muchachos

soo I've been stuck for over a month on chapter eighteen. this is frustrating. not only because I'm stuck, but also because this is supposed to be one of the easiest chapters to write (all the main characters meet for the first time and it's just aghasdfgasdf <3333)

but yes. i've been stuck. the thing is (sr readers you'll probably be confused too sorry), luana (one of the protagonists and pov characters) has just gone through a portal into the shadow realm (actually she was pushed by benedict muahaha but it was her own idea and she was being slow so bennykins decided to give her a little shove of encouragement c:<). but aaaanyways idek what to do now. this transition is killing me. i could have it that the transition is the same for luana as it was for emmery, but i feel like that would be... boring. so i had it that luana went into another layer, and then she met druid (the shadow realm in the form of a man). but that was too much- it was a cool concept, but dealing with it, and including it in the already bursting chapter... i can't do it.

so now i'm stuck. i don't know how to make this transition. any ideas?
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  #95  
Old 10-20-2014, 09:21 PM
CarabellaGrace CarabellaGrace is offline
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Originally Posted by saphiremoon View Post
brief rant time muchachos

soo I've been stuck for over a month on chapter eighteen. this is frustrating. not only because I'm stuck, but also because this is supposed to be one of the easiest chapters to write (all the main characters meet for the first time and it's just aghasdfgasdf <3333)

but yes. i've been stuck. the thing is (sr readers you'll probably be confused too sorry), luana (one of the protagonists and pov characters) has just gone through a portal into the shadow realm (actually she was pushed by benedict muahaha but it was her own idea and she was being slow so bennykins decided to give her a little shove of encouragement c:<). but aaaanyways idek what to do now. this transition is killing me. i could have it that the transition is the same for luana as it was for emmery, but i feel like that would be... boring. so i had it that luana went into another layer, and then she met druid (the shadow realm in the form of a man). but that was too much- it was a cool concept, but dealing with it, and including it in the already bursting chapter... i can't do it.

so now i'm stuck. i don't know how to make this transition. any ideas?
Okay, I have been in this situation so many times it's like not even funny >.< But anyway, my point is i totally understand . . . and it sucks.

i think you should continue with the druid thing. i haven't read any shadow realm other than that excerpt from chapter eighteen--with druid--and i loved it. I thought it was very creative, and just yeah . . . amazing. like i wouldn't be surprised to read it in a published book :P

okay, that probably wasn't very helpful. but i really liked that part, and maybe if you cut some of it, made it simpler, it wouldn't be too much in one chapter? idk.
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  #96  
Old 10-21-2014, 11:03 PM
CarabellaGrace CarabellaGrace is offline
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ok, so this is a dream sequence that I want to start off the book. (i'll have a prologue, but yeah . . .) i want it to be interesting, but kind of distant as (obviously :P) the girl is dreaming.so far, i think it's kind of horrible. i would love your help. any ideas on improving? is this any good at all?

In the dream, I was in a hall of doors.
I stood, barefooted, on an icy path. It was pitch black, only illuminated by lines of red candles that sat in little glass jars painted with eerie, twisted symbols. They threw flickering, blood-red light onto the spectacle surrounding me.
Everywhere I looked, there were doors.
There were doors made of glass, with golden handles that I was sure were real. Regular doors, painted orange and red and brown, with chipped knobs and flaking paint. Doors carved with mysterious letters that I couldn’t read in the darkness. Doors that weren’t doors at all, but just old, rusted gates that were slowly falling apart.
I shivered as wind howled behind me. Wherever I was, there didn’t seem to be a sun. Or a moon. Or stars. Or anything but the red candles and the doors and . . . me.
A snarl ripped through the air, jerking me out of my thoughts. I spun in a slow circle, my heart thudding in my chest. What I saw made a scream start to crawl up my throat.
Two orbs glowed threateningly in the darkness behind one of the doors, empty sockets that were filled with crimson embers. Eyes.
I wasn’t alone.
As if on cue, a low growl rumbled in my ears—a warning. Pure terror flooded my body, and before I could even think I was running. Feet pounding the path, I sped past doors and candles until my legs screamed and my throat was scraped raw. I could hear the happy panting of the creature chasing me, could feel its breath hot and burning against my neck.
Something hissed in the air beside me, clattering to the ground at my feet. I caught a glimpse of it—a crimson arrow, swirled with black and silver—before I stumbled over it, and the ground came rushing up at me too quickly.
I rolled over onto my back, the breath sawing in and out of my lungs frantically. I was facing a monster. The beast was huge, easily seven feet tall if it were to stand on its hind legs, and strong. Muscles rippled underneath its slick black fur. And because that wasn’t bad enough, it wasn’t alone. A woman sat perched on top of it like she was riding a horse, her skin deathly white in the shadows. Her scarlet lips were pursed in a disappointed frown, and she was holding a crossbow.
A crossbow that was pointed at me.
I sucked in a breath and tried to scramble backward. The woman smiled as if to say too late. And she let go of the arrow.
I watched in slow motion as it spun through the air toward me. I should have been expecting it, should’ve braced myself for the pain. But nothing could have prepared me for the agony that spread down my shoulder when the arrow slammed into it. I screamed, a hoarse, desperate sound.
“Ilsa.”
My name. I looked up. A man stood above me, his dark skin almost blending into the shadows. He held his hand out.
“Come with me,” he said, and something glinted dangerously in his eyes. Behind him, the beast roared. Flame sparked the path.
I took the man’s hand.
And the world exploded.


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  #97  
Old 10-22-2014, 12:49 AM
Elizabeth Elizabeth is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CarabellaGrace View Post
ok, so this is a dream sequence that I want to start off the book. (i'll have a prologue, but yeah . . .) i want it to be interesting, but kind of distant as (obviously :P) the girl is dreaming.so far, i think it's kind of horrible. i would love your help. any ideas on improving? is this any good at all?

In the dream, I was in a hall of doors.
I stood, barefooted, on an icy path. It was pitch black, only illuminated by lines of red candles that sat in little glass jars painted with eerie, twisted symbols. They threw flickering, blood-red light onto the spectacle surrounding me.
Everywhere I looked, there were doors.
There were doors made of glass, with golden handles that I was sure were real. Regular doors, painted orange and red and brown, with chipped knobs and flaking paint. Doors carved with mysterious letters that I couldn’t read in the darkness. Doors that weren’t doors at all, but just old, rusted gates that were slowly falling apart.
I shivered as wind howled behind me. Wherever I was, there didn’t seem to be a sun. Or a moon. Or stars. Or anything but the red candles and the doors and . . . me.
A snarl ripped through the air, jerking me out of my thoughts. I spun in a slow circle, my heart thudding in my chest. What I saw made a scream start to crawl up my throat.
Two orbs glowed threateningly in the darkness behind one of the doors, empty sockets that were filled with crimson embers. Eyes.
I wasn’t alone.
As if on cue, a low growl rumbled in my ears—a warning. Pure terror flooded my body, and before I could even think I was running. Feet pounding the path, I sped past doors and candles until my legs screamed and my throat was scraped raw. I could hear the happy panting of the creature chasing me, could feel its breath hot and burning against my neck.
Something hissed in the air beside me, clattering to the ground at my feet. I caught a glimpse of it—a crimson arrow, swirled with black and silver—before I stumbled over it, and the ground came rushing up at me too quickly.
I rolled over onto my back, the breath sawing in and out of my lungs frantically. I was facing a monster. The beast was huge, easily seven feet tall if it were to stand on its hind legs, and strong. Muscles rippled underneath its slick black fur. And because that wasn’t bad enough, it wasn’t alone. A woman sat perched on top of it like she was riding a horse, her skin deathly white in the shadows. Her scarlet lips were pursed in a disappointed frown, and she was holding a crossbow.
A crossbow that was pointed at me.
I sucked in a breath and tried to scramble backward. The woman smiled as if to say too late. And she let go of the arrow.
I watched in slow motion as it spun through the air toward me. I should have been expecting it, should’ve braced myself for the pain. But nothing could have prepared me for the agony that spread down my shoulder when the arrow slammed into it. I screamed, a hoarse, desperate sound.
“Ilsa.”
My name. I looked up. A man stood above me, his dark skin almost blending into the shadows. He held his hand out.
“Come with me,” he said, and something glinted dangerously in his eyes. Behind him, the beast roared. Flame sparked the path.
I took the man’s hand.
And the world exploded.


That. That was amazing! How dare you say it is horrible!

Although, I do have a comment that you wrote that she heard the "happy panting" of whatever was chasing her. I would use a different word than happy. It just doesn't seem right with the mood of the dream and the writing. Maybe frenzied or expectant (like the monster knew it was going to get her).

Aside from that, it is absolutely amazing. I do hope you continue to amaze us with your writing.

And also, I haven't seen you on here or talked to you for so long. And I'm glad to see you on and writing.
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  #98  
Old 10-22-2014, 08:17 PM
CarabellaGrace CarabellaGrace is offline
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Originally Posted by Elizabeth View Post
That. That was amazing! How dare you say it is horrible!

Although, I do have a comment that you wrote that she heard the "happy panting" of whatever was chasing her. I would use a different word than happy. It just doesn't seem right with the mood of the dream and the writing. Maybe frenzied or expectant (like the monster knew it was going to get her).

Aside from that, it is absolutely amazing. I do hope you continue to amaze us with your writing.

And also, I haven't seen you on here or talked to you for so long. And I'm glad to see you on and writing.
Thank you so much! yeah, i haven't been on lately . . . or talked to you! *huggles* I missed you. i've been really busy with school and stuff, but i HAVE been writing. (a little :P)
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  #99  
Old 10-23-2014, 09:51 PM
Elizabeth Elizabeth is offline
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Originally Posted by CarabellaGrace View Post
Thank you so much! yeah, i haven't been on lately . . . or talked to you! *huggles* I missed you. i've been really busy with school and stuff, but i HAVE been writing. (a little :P)
You're welcome! I've been on, sort of. I'll get on sometimes but haven't commented or posted anything. I've been more of a silent observer, when I actually get on. Yes, we need to talk. Except we're never on at the same time. *huggles back* I missed you too. And I missed reading any of your wonderful writing, like the Otherworld and the one about the twins and I think there might've been another one, but I'm not sure. That's good that you're writing. I've been writing a bit, well, rewriting. I'm having trouble with one of my stories. Great to see you on!
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  #100  
Old 10-27-2014, 09:04 PM
saphiremoon saphiremoon is offline
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Originally Posted by CarabellaGrace View Post
Okay, I have been in this situation so many times it's like not even funny >.< But anyway, my point is i totally understand . . . and it sucks.

i think you should continue with the druid thing. i haven't read any shadow realm other than that excerpt from chapter eighteen--with druid--and i loved it. I thought it was very creative, and just yeah . . . amazing. like i wouldn't be surprised to read it in a published book :P

okay, that probably wasn't very helpful. but i really liked that part, and maybe if you cut some of it, made it simpler, it wouldn't be too much in one chapter? idk.
((ahh late reply sorry))

thaaaank you you have no idea what that comment means to be ahh c: ((btw i've read some of the otherworld and just yes <33))

thank you for the advice too c: i tend to have long chapters (like the last two were 18k) so i don't really want to make it any longer than that (and also this chapter will be super long anyways because a shit load has to happen)

but yes thank you for the advice c: i think i'll keep it but idek... this has taken forever ;-;
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