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  #9421  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:13 PM
L.S.Trendom L.S.Trendom is offline
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Originally Posted by HeatherB View Post
this has been a fucking terrible week for me emotionally. i keep questioning whether i even have depression or not and whether my parents are just wasting their money on the stupid therapist who doesn't actually understand anything at all and i just don't think it's worth it. i get upset easily with my parents and then they blame themselves and i wish i could tell them, it's not you, it's me--hello, who's the fuckup in the house?? and i just get terrified because sometimes i'm not actually ME, like, i don't just not LOOK like me but i don't ACT like me and i think that i literally have different personalities and there are names and it's not, not multiple-personality disorder exactly but it's something less extreme but it still really fucking scares the SHIT out of me. and i wish i wasn't so fucking fucked up and i don't deserve the life i have and i can't SAY what i want to SAY and that's, that's why i write because i can't fucking TALK because all that comes out of my mouth is SHIT and if it's not in a story, if it doesn't have SOME distance from the reality that i hate, then i can't deal with it. i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate me i hate me i hate me i'm so fucking insensitive and cold and mean and i get these feelings like no one actually likes me and they're all just tolerating me, barely, and i'm so fucking ANNOYING like how does anyone actually legitimately like me? and i think i'm going crazy and i don't want to go crazy because i used to joke about it all the time back when things were worse but better back when things were consistent at the least and my mom is complaining about my music again because i don't like listening to her ranting about how she's such a bad mother--SHE IS NOT A BAD MOTHER. SHE IS NOT A BAD MOTHER. I AM A BAD DAUGHTER. I AM A BAD PERSON. i can't deal with people and i'm so fucking awkward i could cry and i get so frustrated because i don't think I can have happiness or fun anymore it's not me it's Hedge and Hedge is bubbly and happy and bright and all false cheerfulness but also like a little sister and she's annoying as fuck and she's a mosquito just buzzing around aggravating the piss out of everyone and everything and biting biting biting when she doesn't understand things. and i can't get sad anymore because that's Becca and Becca is the depressed one not me and she does everything i want to do, like cut and bruise and hurt and lash out at people and herself and she cries herself to sleep every night. and then there's Monica Elm and i don't know who she is but the name came to me a month or so ago and it feels like my name but not my name because i'm not a monica i'm a heather but i don't know what the fuck a heather IS. or who. whatever. it doesn't matter, does it? i'm going insane and i can feel it and i hate it, i hate it, i hate it, i'm scared and i can't DO anything, that's the worse part. heather is helpless. she's a bystander. she doesn't do anything and she does her best to not care about it. and heather is anne frank, too, not because she survived the holocaust but because she is "a little bundle of contradictions" and she's both hedge and becca and monica all together even if i don't know who monica is because she's everyone in me and everything in me and she is me but i don't know who she is.
*massive hugs*
ugh sorry i'm not very helpful now, butů
NO YOU ARE NOT ANNOYING WE DON'T JUST TOLERATE YOU TALKING TO YOU IS REALLY REALLY AWESOME AND I ENJOY IT.
you're not a bad person, you're a bamf and an amazing person and a great friend and we love you. *hugs*
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  #9422  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:15 PM
HeatherB HeatherB is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom View Post
*massive hugs*
ugh sorry i'm not very helpful now, butů
NO YOU ARE NOT ANNOYING WE DON'T JUST TOLERATE YOU TALKING TO YOU IS REALLY REALLY AWESOME AND I ENJOY IT.
you're not a bad person, you're a bamf and an amazing person and a great friend and we love you. *hugs*
thanks *hugs you back*
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and of course i f o r g i v e
i've seen how you live
like a phoenix you r i s e
from the ashes
you pick up the p i e c e s
and the ghosts in the attic;
they never quite leave
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  #9423  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:19 PM
AlgebraAddict AlgebraAddict is offline
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I really hate myself.


I haven't eaten in four days.
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and I'll use you as a
w a r n i n g
s i g n
that if you talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind



- I Found, by Amber Run
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  #9424  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:25 PM
HeatherB HeatherB is offline
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Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict View Post
I really hate myself.


I haven't eaten in four days.
you are freaking amazing, okay? and you should eat.



in which heather is a hypocrite...
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and of course i f o r g i v e
i've seen how you live
like a phoenix you r i s e
from the ashes
you pick up the p i e c e s
and the ghosts in the attic;
they never quite leave
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  #9425  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:25 PM
L.S.Trendom L.S.Trendom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlgebraAddict View Post
I really hate myself.


I haven't eaten in four days.
Hating really f***ing awesome people isn't good. *hugs* We love you, and you're very outnumbered.

Why aren't you eating?
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  #9426  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:37 PM
AlgebraAddict AlgebraAddict is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by L.S.Trendom View Post
Hating really f***ing awesome people isn't good. *hugs* We love you, and you're very outnumbered.

Why aren't you eating?


I guess it distracts me from how I feel and it's not as bad as cutting, which I've been trying to avoid, and since I am messed up anyway I thought it would help and I guess it is helping but I don't know and I don't love myself and I can't love myself enough to help or start eating. I don't think it matters. And it helps my voices too. I don't hear so much as when I'm full. I wish I could manage to eat, but I can't.
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and I'll use you as a
w a r n i n g
s i g n
that if you talk enough sense, then you'll lose your mind



- I Found, by Amber Run
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  #9427  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:47 PM
MaryElizabeth MaryElizabeth is offline
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Location: Detroit, MI
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Thought this might resonate:

Sometimes before it gets better
The darkness gets bigger
The person you take the bullet for is behind the trigger
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"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation."
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  #9428  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:57 PM
Lily09 Lily09 is offline
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god i am so fucking tired
im okay im okay im okay i tell everyone but
im so tired and exhausted from doing nothing and im sorry im sorry im sorry litzy and emily
im sorry im so distant and im sorry i can't seem to talk to you guise im sorry i dont want to look at anyone you did nothing wrong at all
im just tired
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whaddup
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  #9429  
Old 04-12-2013, 07:02 PM
Lily09 Lily09 is offline
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Originally Posted by Lily09 View Post
god i am so fucking tired
im okay im okay im okay i tell everyone but
im so tired and exhausted from doing nothing and im sorry im sorry im sorry litzy and emily
im sorry im so distant and im sorry i can't seem to talk to you guise im sorry i dont want to look at anyone you did nothing wrong at all
im just tired
and i can't actually do anything right??
i don't think i'm supposed to want to make everyone in the school disappear
i don't think i'm supposed to just want to talk to online friends
i don't think i'm supposed to push emily away
i don't think i'm supposed to push litzy away
i don't think i'm supposed to be fucking annoyed by their faces??
why am i such a fuck up
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whaddup
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  #9430  
Old 04-12-2013, 07:26 PM
cheezemziez cheezemziez is offline
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Originally Posted by Lily09 View Post
and i can't actually do anything right??
i don't think i'm supposed to want to make everyone in the school disappear
i don't think i'm supposed to just want to talk to online friends
i don't think i'm supposed to push emily away
i don't think i'm supposed to push litzy away
i don't think i'm supposed to be fucking annoyed by their faces??
why am i such a fuck up
/hugs
You can do things right.
You aren't a fuck up. You're awesome and amazing
These things don't make you a bad person. And I doubt pushing your friends away will be a permanent thing. You are going to get better.
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All my desperate calls
Echo off the walls
Back and forth
Then back again
At the bitter end
Salt and liquid blend
From the corner of my eyes
So let your heart hold fast
For this soon shall pass
There's another hill ahead.
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