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  #101  
Old 10-27-2014, 09:09 PM
saphiremoon saphiremoon is offline
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ahh so i'm stuck again

i just need feedback... do you guys think that this is alright? i mean i've continued it on, but the thing is, it's too long. so i was thinking of ending it right there. what do you guys think? is it too awkward a place to end? should i rewrite it entirely? i know the pacing is off but does it need to be trashed and redone?
soo still stuck on this... but do you guys think that the thing below would be a good follow-up? (the link is a whole scene so there'd be a scene break after it)


“For God’s sake, Luana, wake up. Please don’t tell me all humans are as narcoleptic as you are.”

My eyes snapped open. The words were distorted, but the voice was familiar; it echoed, enough so that it sounded like the speaker was far away, down a long stone tunnel, but I got the feeling that he was within punching distance.

“I know you’ve just gone through a Portal,” Benedict continued, and I blinked, rapidly, to clear the haze of grey before me, “but really, you shouldn’t be unconscious from it. What if a Hell Hound had been waiting outside? There’s a theory that they sleep with their mouths open, you know. So then it could’ve been unconscious as well while it ate you.”

And there’s also a theory that Benedict never shuts up. My fingers twitched– probably with the urge to slap him– and scratched dry ground. Where was I? The Shadow Realm? But what happened? I struggled to remember, to recall anything that had occurred after I’d gone through the Portal, but my mind was blank. There was… a face, maybe? A voice? But nothing else.

“Part of me says I shouldn’t be surprised.” Benedict’s words were easy, smooth. Did he know I was awake? “About your lack of consciousness. You always seemed a little…” He trailed off, searching for the word. “Flimsy.

I sat up, abruptly. I’d been lying on my stomach, head lodged in the crook of my elbow, and my whole body tingled with the sensation that I’d just been doused with ice water when I straightened. The world hazed around me, a blur of greys and blacks; a howling wind cut through the Cloak and sank its claws into my bones.

Struggling to concentrate, I blinked, rapidly, and focused on the dark smudge that I guessed was Benedict. It looked obnoxious enough, anyways.

“I,” I growled, “am not flimsy.
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  #102  
Old 10-28-2014, 04:54 PM
saphiremoon saphiremoon is offline
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alright so I think I've settled on something to continue with

but I actually have absolutely no idea ahhhh ;-; so if anyone could be amazingly wonderful enough to let me email them something for them to review? it's kinda longish I guess (4000ish words including the excerpt that I've already posted) but I'd be really really forever eternally grateful if someone could
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  #103  
Old 10-28-2014, 08:07 PM
CarabellaGrace CarabellaGrace is offline
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((ahh late reply sorry))

thaaaank you you have no idea what that comment means to be ahh c: ((btw i've read some of the otherworld and just yes <33))

thank you for the advice too c: i tend to have long chapters (like the last two were 18k) so i don't really want to make it any longer than that (and also this chapter will be super long anyways because a shit load has to happen)

but yes thank you for the advice c: i think i'll keep it but idek... this has taken forever ;-;
sure and it's fine (the late reply) And thanks for reading the otherworld . . . not posting much these days, but it still means a lot c:
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  #104  
Old 10-29-2014, 12:37 AM
Elizabeth Elizabeth is offline
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Originally Posted by saphiremoon View Post
soo still stuck on this... but do you guys think that the thing below would be a good follow-up? (the link is a whole scene so there'd be a scene break after it)


“For God’s sake, Luana, wake up. Please don’t tell me all humans are as narcoleptic as you are.”

My eyes snapped open. The words were distorted, but the voice was familiar; it echoed, enough so that it sounded like the speaker was far away, down a long stone tunnel, but I got the feeling that he was within punching distance.

“I know you’ve just gone through a Portal,” Benedict continued, and I blinked, rapidly, to clear the haze of grey before me, “but really, you shouldn’t be unconscious from it. What if a Hell Hound had been waiting outside? There’s a theory that they sleep with their mouths open, you know. So then it could’ve been unconscious as well while it ate you.”

And there’s also a theory that Benedict never shuts up. My fingers twitched– probably with the urge to slap him– and scratched dry ground. Where was I? The Shadow Realm? But what happened? I struggled to remember, to recall anything that had occurred after I’d gone through the Portal, but my mind was blank. There was… a face, maybe? A voice? But nothing else.

“Part of me says I shouldn’t be surprised.” Benedict’s words were easy, smooth. Did he know I was awake? “About your lack of consciousness. You always seemed a little…” He trailed off, searching for the word. “Flimsy.

I sat up, abruptly. I’d been lying on my stomach, head lodged in the crook of my elbow, and my whole body tingled with the sensation that I’d just been doused with ice water when I straightened. The world hazed around me, a blur of greys and blacks; a howling wind cut through the Cloak and sank its claws into my bones.

Struggling to concentrate, I blinked, rapidly, and focused on the dark smudge that I guessed was Benedict. It looked obnoxious enough, anyways.

“I,” I growled, “am not flimsy.
That was awesome! I think I like Luana, she's great. The whole part about the punching distance and him looking obnoxious enough, that's pure genius writing! And yes, I do believe this would be good to come next. It is after the whole thing with Druid, right? Who was, by the way, creepy and annoying, but a cool concept.
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  #105  
Old 12-05-2014, 07:18 PM
Elizabeth Elizabeth is offline
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Would anyone be interested in helping me with my story? This is one I've been writing for about four years. I've written it fully several times, but the last one was about two years ago. The story was set in our world, but I now am attempting to change it to a medievalish fantasy world. Its more advanced like with technology and transportation than a lot fantasy stories, but I'm having a lot of troubles not having it sound like our world. Does this make any sense to anyone? Anyway, there's other things that I could use help with. Would anyone be interested in helping me? We could always do a story swap or whatever, but this is going to need a little more than the simple, usual CC. Help, anyone?
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  #106  
Old 12-06-2014, 03:47 PM
EmmaR EmmaR is offline
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Originally Posted by saphiremoon View Post
alright so I think I've settled on something to continue with

but I actually have absolutely no idea ahhhh ;-; so if anyone could be amazingly wonderful enough to let me email them something for them to review? it's kinda longish I guess (4000ish words including the excerpt that I've already posted) but I'd be really really forever eternally grateful if someone could
You can send it to me, but I haven't read anything else from the story, so it would be just a review on the writing itself and not necessarily on continuity, etc.
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  #107  
Old 12-06-2014, 04:19 PM
CarabellaGrace CarabellaGrace is offline
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Originally Posted by Elizabeth View Post
Would anyone be interested in helping me with my story? This is one I've been writing for about four years. I've written it fully several times, but the last one was about two years ago. The story was set in our world, but I now am attempting to change it to a medievalish fantasy world. Its more advanced like with technology and transportation than a lot fantasy stories, but I'm having a lot of troubles not having it sound like our world. Does this make any sense to anyone? Anyway, there's other things that I could use help with. Would anyone be interested in helping me? We could always do a story swap or whatever, but this is going to need a little more than the simple, usual CC. Help, anyone?
I'd love to read your story! It sounds really good. If you posted it, I'd definitely read it/give CC. . . (not allowed to give away my email so that won't work, sorry )
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  #108  
Old 12-06-2014, 04:39 PM
CarabellaGrace CarabellaGrace is offline
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okay, so i'm starting to edit my untitled Nanowrimo. I kind of went into it without any planning whatsoever and so i'm plotting it out . . . basically, there are these three bloodlines who pass down a specific power through each generation: one can see the dead, the other can see the future, and the last sees the other seers. Only three people can have the power at the same time, no more and no less. anyway, so i want it to stem down from this mad scientist guy who was thirsty for power. he kidnapped these three people (idk who yet) and injected something into them that changed their whole DNA, gave them these crazy powers . . . I had a couple options for what he injected into them. my first idea was some magical water source--the fountain of youth, i was thinking. but this is sort of turning out scifi and I'm not sure how that fantasy element will turn out if i throw it in there. i kind of want to go that route, but i'm afraid it won't work with the rest of the setup of the story . . . ideas/comments, anyone?
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  #109  
Old 12-07-2014, 06:16 PM
Elizabeth Elizabeth is offline
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Originally Posted by CarabellaGrace View Post
I'd love to read your story! It sounds really good. If you posted it, I'd definitely read it/give CC. . . (not allowed to give away my email so that won't work, sorry )
Oh, great! That would be awesome! Um, I think I have posted it, like a while ago. I have no idea how to do a link, but um, what about like a google docs? Would that work for you? If not, I can work on the posting part.

I'm just really frustrated with it, because I have it for so long and it's my favorite, and it's just not working anymore!

Oh, that's okay, about the email.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CarabellaGrace View Post
okay, so i'm starting to edit my untitled Nanowrimo. I kind of went into it without any planning whatsoever and so i'm plotting it out . . . basically, there are these three bloodlines who pass down a specific power through each generation: one can see the dead, the other can see the future, and the last sees the other seers. Only three people can have the power at the same time, no more and no less. anyway, so i want it to stem down from this mad scientist guy who was thirsty for power. he kidnapped these three people (idk who yet) and injected something into them that changed their whole DNA, gave them these crazy powers . . . I had a couple options for what he injected into them. my first idea was some magical water source--the fountain of youth, i was thinking. but this is sort of turning out scifi and I'm not sure how that fantasy element will turn out if i throw it in there. i kind of want to go that route, but i'm afraid it won't work with the rest of the setup of the story . . . ideas/comments, anyone?
What about if you did it like I'm trying to do, something where it's a fantasy world, but in the future, so it's fantasy and scifi and can still have a magical fountain of youth thingy. I think it might still work that way, you just can't throw it in without some planning, unlike how you can easily throw it into a fantasy story. Or you can do it with the mad scientist guy somehow changed their DNA through scientificcy ways, if that makes sense.

Like, in the same story I'm having difficulties with, it's a fantasy, but I'm really trying to avoid putting magic into it. See the story's about mermaid and merpeople and the suchlike. The main character is turned into one and what I'm trying to do is changing the whole changing into a mermaid process into something that happened because of scientists and serums and DNA and genetics changing serums. You know what I mean? You could do something like that. Or if you want to mix in the fantasy element, I think it would work. Just with some planning.

You're actually kind of running into the same sort of problems as me.
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  #110  
Old 01-03-2015, 06:34 PM
TheMoonWakedWolf TheMoonWakedWolf is offline
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Okay, I'm not really sure who's going to be looking at this, but I have some questions about a character name. I planned on having one of my characters be named Gypsy (or "Gyp" for short). I just like the look and sound of the name, and feel it really fits the character. I understand that saying that someone's been "gypped" is offensive and everything, but I didn't consider the fact that the word gypsy itself might be offensive to Roma people and everything. Do you guys think it's alright to keep the name, or should I change it? (And if so, what would you guys suggest for a replacement?)
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