Posted August 10th, 2017 by Billy
in New York
August 10th, 2017
That feeling of grogginess turned to sudden bursts of excitement to anxiety all so quickly
Family around my bed eager to hand me thoughtful and heart felt gifts that make my heart sing
They await impatiently verbal complaints sliding past my ears as I gently peel back the layers not to save it, but to treasure each moment of unwrapping this treasure as apposed to shredding it to pieces.
My eyes light up and a smile is instantly in place of my anxiety ridden face the anxiety lingers a bit longer until we rush downstairs to have breakfast and watch movies carefree dancing around the living room all day.
The warm hugs from my family instantly make me feel loved and safe. Someone goes and comes back with a beautiful cake not too expensive as it is something to eat. We stare in awe at all the beautiful crafted sugar décor and dig in instantly regretting the piles of sugar we just consumed but its tradition so we pay no mind.
Ah then it gets even later and the birthdays almost to an end but we make the most staying up late to watch more movies when it’s time to sleep the day feels complete it feels like the most relaxing day full of love.
But this year it’s not
I wake up and feel one person beside me maybe two I don’t bother to stir and push myself further beneath my blanket its full of the warmth the presents had
I have tears welling up as a cards placed in front of me delicate hands trying to soothe me but I’m choking on sobs I feel guilt and a rush of pain
I sit there listening to their words, words so positive and kind and loving but I can’t feel the warmth behind them anymore
I’ve been numb lately to the joys it’s my way of blocking it out. I never thought I’d say I don’t want to feel those feelings not now, not with someone foreign living in my house
Nothing feels right
Today was supposed to be warm loving and safe
But all I feel is bittersweet
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