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The Body

The Body

Posted November 6th, 2020 by Olivinat

by Ryoko
in the Middle of Nowhere (Wisconsin)

November 13th, 2020

                Luke opened his eyes. Today he and his friends were going to go exploring. He jumped out of bed. It was Saturday. He put on pants, a t-shirt, and socks. He ducked into the bathroom, brushed his hair, and went to the bathroom. When he was done he went and packed water, a granola bar, and other hiking supplies into his pack. He ran out, ate breakfast, put on his shoes, grabbed his pack, and ran out the door. He met his friends, Mark, Josh, and Patrick, at the park south of his house.

        “Ready?” Patrick asked

        “Ready as I’ll ever be!” Luke replied, smiling

        They set off down the lane. Later as they were walking through the woods, Patrick squinted and said, “What’s that ahead? It looks like a guy!”

        They ran to it and saw it was Patrick'ses uncle's sixth cousin, twice removed. Patrick'ses uncle's dead sixth cousin twice removed.

        “What the heck? He’s dead! What does that mean? Is it an omen?” Mark worried

        “There is no such thing as an omen…”Luke trailed off, “it’s just… just… strange.”

        Patrick shivered, “who (or what) killed him? I don’t like the feeling that it’s going to happen to us! Let’s get out of here!”

        The boy ran away home. Later they all came over to Luke’s house to talk.

        “We have to tell someone about this!” Mark said, “That was an omen I say! If we don’t all of us will all die!”

        “Stop worrying Mark,” Luke commanded, “Nobody knows about it, and there is no such thing as an omen!”

        Later that night they were having a sleeper. They were still talking about it

        “I’m saying it’s an omen! It’s an omen I tell you!” Mark cried, “I don’t want to die! I like living-.”

        He was interrupted by Luke, “THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN OMEN IDIOT!!!! STOP SAYING THAT!” He yelled

        The room went silent. Luke clapped his hand over his mouth. Mark just stared at him.

        “I’m… I’m… I’m not an idiot,” mark sniffled swiping tears from his eyes

        Mark got up, tears running down his cheeks, grabbed his sleeping bag and pillow, and went into the bathrooms on the right with his stuff.

        “I’m sleeping in here tonight,” Mark said and locked the door.

        The boys rolled out their sleeping bags. Luke felt terrible.

        “I don’t mean to.” He said to Patrick

        “Don’t tell me, tell him!” Patrick urged

        Luke simple turned his back to Patrick and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and went into the bathroom.  Mark was gone. He went into the kitchen where his mother told him Mark had left. For the rest of their lives they never talked to each other. They told the police about the dead guy, and they found the killer trying to flee the country.


See more stories by Ryoko
First off, this is some

First off, this is some seriously heavy subject material and I applaud you for tackling it! 

Constructive Criticism:

-too short! your pacing is very fast. too much happens too soon. we need more time with these characters, a little more development. i have no idea who they are before they suddenly have to contend with a corpse in the woods. 

-there's a big focus on the fact that Mark and Luke disagree and this random dude's death breaks their friendship. However, this is entirely unrelated to the killer. I think the narrative would be stronger if Mark and Luke's disagreement had a major effect on how or whether the culprit was caught.

-we know nothing about the culprit except that he tried to flee the country. there's a whole murder mystery that we don't get to see as it gets solved! we only see the kids' perspective, which is cool, but it would be much enriched with the perspective of, say, the detective who has to talk to the kids and track down the killer.

-who's the dead guy? 

Your dialogue is great, by the way. Very smooth, very realistic. 

Good yard,

(Warmest regards)


Posted by Tía Snow on Tue, 11/10/2020 - 19:22
Thank you. maybe i will edit

Thank you. maybe i will edit it. I am lazy though so probly not :)



It's not just a matter of trusting yourself, it's a matter of testing your ability - Joseph Sugarman

Posted by The Dragon Of Kidpub on Thu, 11/12/2020 - 11:32
haha mood. but stuff to

haha mood. but stuff to think about for next time!!


Good yard,

(Warmest regards)


Posted by Tía Snow on Thu, 11/12/2020 - 13:20

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