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Freak. (For the Gemstone Writer Competition.)

Freak. (For the Gemstone Writer Competition.)

Posted August 4th, 2013 by soph-soph27

soph-soph27's picture
by Impossible Girl
in destructible

August 5th, 2013

I'm not a freak! I'm not. 

The words were painted in thin, wavering lines on the whitewashed walls of the house. It wasn't so scary as it was odd. They were painted in primary colors, yellow, red, and blue and were surrounded by little handprints of the same color.

The couple stood next to the realestate agent, who gaped at the wall, and then quickly regained her composure.

"Did this previous family have any...er...children?" The woman tugged at her husband's hand, a sure let's go before something happens sign.

"Why yes! Yes, they did!" The realestate agent nodded vigorously, wincing at the squeaks in her voice. 

"I see." The man turned to his wife, and nodded. "I think we've seen enough. Thank you!"

The agent smiled weakly. 

"Yes! Erm...see you again?" she finished lamely, the car already kicking up dust as it sped away. A creak behind her made her jump and whip her head around, almost dropping her clipboard. "Who's there?" Nobody. You're being silly, she told her self, and promised to get the plumbing issues fixed. Five minutes later, she was gone. She wouldn't be back, later on in life- the very next day in fact- the same woman would win the lottery. Which means that she never saw the childish handprints on the white front door. Fresh paint.


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okiesles imma throw out a

okiesles imma throw out a bunch of random CC :D

the title's cool, but, idk, it doesn't really seem to fit in with the story that much? like the only mention of someone being a freak is the first line. and the entire thing is really short, i feel like you could probs expand it at least a bit. it's still good though ^.^

It wasn't so scary as it was odd. I think there's a typo here??

They were painted in primary colors, yellow, red, and blue and were surrounded by little handprints of the same color. what was painted in primary colours? like… the colours changed every letter? or every word?

The couple stood next to the realestate agent, who gaped at the wall, and then quickly regained her composure. Hmm, I think it'd probs be better if you split this up into two sentences, since most of it is about the real estate agent, but the couple is the subject of the sentence.

"I see." The man turned to his wife, and nodded. "I think we've seen enough. Thank you!" Is he creeped out too? it doesn't seem like it, from his dialogue and actions.

the last paragraph is a tad confusing. where is the real estate agent? is she outside, 'cause she sees the car kicking up dust and she's like standing on the porch when she hears the creak? and what do the plumbing issues have to do with the creaking?

She wouldn't be back, later on in life- the very next day in fact- the same woman would win the lottery. that comma should be a semicolon, and i think you can just replace 'later on in life' with 'the very next day'. i like this part, it's kinda freaky :D the only other bit of CC i have is mebbe the last two sentences would sound better if you combined them, like making the end 'in fresh paint'?

yeah like i said i feel like i'm only pointing out the meh things :c but i srsly do like it \o/ you did a good job making it eerie, especially the first two paragraphs. the description is a bit sparse, but your writing style is 

good job :D

lolwhatrightdoihavetogiveyouccongrammarlookatmINE

 

an intro to feminism and why it's important

Posted by L. S. Tredom on Mon, 08/05/2013 - 20:34

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