The Library of Humor
Posted June 7th, 2018 by ArabellasAura
in my own dreams
June 7th, 2018
I've compiled a list of jokes that I've heard! I hope you enjoy it! :)
I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.
So what if I don’t know what “Armageddon” means? It’s not the end of the world.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
Velcro — what a rip-off!
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
I have a clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
Next time I send a fool, I go myself.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Bonus Story Joke
A chicken walked into a library, went up to the desk and said: 'book book book book book.' The librarian handed the chicken a book and the bird left. Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, tossed the book on the desk and said: 'book book book book book.' The librarian handed the chicken a different book and the chicken left. Ten minutes later, the chicken brought the book back, threw it on the desk and said: 'book book book book book.' The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time decided to follow the bird. He saw the chicken hurry down the street and stop at the village pond where a frog was sitting on a lily pad. The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog shook its head and said: 'read-it read-it read-it.
See more stories by Nunya B.