Old Writing Critique; Heavy Sarcasm Ahead
Posted May 15th, 2018 by Zelda
in a perpetual predicament
May 16th, 2018
Old Writing Critique: Argument
A/N: Yes, another one. Ena inspired me with her own OWC, which you should check out!
This one is actually so bad that even younger me recognized it for the atrocity that it was, and didn’t even try to title it properly. The document name is ‘Argument (bleh)’. This is three or four years old, written around the same time as the ‘Fur Elise’ story, which means I wrote this and a few other things when I was about thirteen.
I may have handed this in for a school assignment. I don’t remember. I hope I didn’t, this is honestly so bad.
Proceed with caution.
Several members of the troupe were awakened by the sound of two people fighting. O-kay, here we go. Right in the middle of the story. No background, no setting, no information whatsoever on what ‘the troupe’ is or who could be fighting.
Claira, unnecessary comma and Polemistis, -a.k.a. Siru- poked their heads out first, fully expecting that the noise was caused by Victor and Olivia going at it like territorial cats again, or the twins having one of their rare but intense sibling arguments. What is it with me and run-on sentences? Polemístís’ name is spelled wrong, the dashes should be em-dashes, literally nobody knows why the term ‘Siru’ is important, and Claira is blind which means that there is no reason for her to be poking her head out to look for the people arguing.
Instead they saw actually, only ‘Tís ‘saw’, since Claira is blind af
Rayalis Ravaia a dark-eye, pale-skinned teen from an alternate dimension, and Darkstar her name is Aisha Balauw, and I knew that when I was writing this, a half-animal spawned from one of the nefarious Dr. Xeran’s experiments; the sheer amount of name-dropping in these two paragraphs alone is enough to make me want to beat my head against a wall.
They looked about ready to kill each other. Claira and ‘Tis made eye contact how? from their tents across from each other.
“We can’t do that, Raya, it’s too dangerous!” Aisha-Darkstar’s real name- had her hands on her hips, her long slender tail twitching back and forth in irritation. ‘That’ will remain unknown for this entire scene. *em-dashes. I don’t understand why I didn’t call her Aisha right from the start, or at least stick with Darkstar. There’s no reason for the audience to have both her names shoved in their face right away.
“Well nobody else has to come, all I need are a few supplies and I can go by myself.” Rayalis crossed her arms in exasperation, as if those words had been implied from the start. Forget implication, Raya probably said up-front that she was going somewhere on her own and it is completely out of character for Aisha to argue against that, or even consider it dangerous.
“Oh, and you’re going alone?” I get a strong sarcasm vibe from this, but the complete lack of dialogue tags or descriptors in general make it extremely hard to tell.
“Yes!” Raya literally just said she was going on her own. Like, a sentence ago.
“No way, you can’t do that.” In which Aisha is overbearing, bossy, and annoying. Where is my OOC confetti? *leaves to get it*
“Why on Delra can’t I?” This mild swear could have been clever, if anyone at all understood what a ‘Delra’ is and why Raya is swearing with it. Unfortunately, even I, the author, have no clue what ‘Delra’ is.
Update: Delra is a word the twins used on occasion in HTTBK, and I think it might reference a lost dimension. However, Raya and the twins are from two separate dimensions that have literally nothing in common and as of right now, there’s no logical reason they should share slang words.
“You’re our only mechanic, we need someone who can make adjustments and repair the wristlets if they break.” The absence of dialogue tags is getting super ridiculous by this point. And again, there’s mention of some ‘wristlets’ that I, the very person who wrote this, don’t recognize.
“Tim Gray is great with tools and has a quick enough mind to figure it out.” Neither Timothy nor Raya are mechanics, but Timothy was introduced to the story long before Rayalis and therefore should have been the default option anyways. She pointed out, ticking off a finger to accentuate it. A) ‘she’ could refer to any of the four female characters already mentioned in the story. B) it sounds like ‘she’ is removing her finger from her hand. C) accentuate what?
“And if we somehow find ourselves stuck in a parallel dimension again?” Again? AGAIN?
“Jeanette and Jeanelle are from Reruna, you seem to forget I’m not the only ‘alien’ in our group.” Because nobody knows where Reruna is, there is no point in mentioning it. It could be a small island off the coast of Africa for all the readers know. Aside from that, the twins possess the power of teleportation, so there should be no reason for anyone to be concerned about getting stuck in an obviously accessibly parallel dimension. Another finger jumped up off her sweater sleeve.
“Oh, because the kamikaze twins are going to be a real reliable source of information.” The cat girl rolled her brilliant green eyes. The twins are trained professionals at retaining, recording, and reciting information, but none of that matters anyways because it’s really the teleportation bit that’s important to the problem mentioned earlier.
“You know what? I’m going whether or not you agree, and you can’t stop me, cat-freak!” *heavy sarcasm* ooh, burn…
People from all the other tents had trickled out to see what all the commotion was and now were grouping on the edge of the clearing, watching the two teens arguing. But nobody is bothering to stop them, or mediate in any way, despite the fact that they’re apparently arguing so loudly that it’s waking up sleeping members of ‘the troupe’.
A gasp rippled through the crowd as Rayalis spit out the insult. This is like that scene from High School Musical, except cheesier.
Anybody with half a brain knew better than to make comment on Darkstar’s cat genes. Friendly reminder that Aisha, at this point in my time writing her, could easily hide her cat-like features, including the tail and bottle green eyes already mentioned in this story. If Aisha hates these features being referred to, as implied here, she shouldn’t be walking around with them out.
“Excuse me?” Aisha raised her visible eyebrow Aisha has an invisible eyebrow..? her ears and tail flicked out a warning for her to back off, but the blue-haired girl ignored it and continued.
“I’m going to get some supplies, then I’m going to travel to Bri Shrall. I’ll come back when things there are sorted out.” She dared to take on a commanding tone, her voice laced with poison. Raya is 3edgy5you in this entire damn scene and it is obnoxious. I had such a bad habit of doing this to characters, and I hate it sooooo muuuuccchhh. Ugh.
“Fine!” Darkstar turned on her heels and stormed off. Very mature. This is exactly how you make your argument seem valid and not childish. *subtly tosses OOC confetti over Aisha*
“Ugh.” Rayalis muttered, rubbing her forehead in an annoyed gesture. Wow, hello, that’s a stilted sentence. Also, let’s have a moment of silence for the fact that I learned literally nothing about dialogue tags until Ari gave me a mini-lesson on my first chapter of Kuebiko (Thanks Ari, you saved lives that day).
Claira and Polemistis locked gazes again, this was bad. I keep writing things that make it seem like Claira and ‘Tis are couple-y and they are NOT, Claira is sixteen and ‘Tis is thirty-four. I meant for it to seem like they had a close mentor-mentee relationship and it didn’t work because I did not know how to exposit or tone-control.
Later, Claira was reluctantly crawling into the black cat’s tent, A big deal is made about how Aisha hates her mutations and I spend ninety percent of this story (and others) referring to her solely by these same mutations. I have no respect for this character of my own creation.
crossing her fingers that Darkstar *Aisha was, well, not Darkstar *Aisha. The teen was sitting cross legged on her sleeping bag. If Claira could see colours she would have noticed that Aisha’s visible amber eye was still flecked with green, indicating the girl was still irritated, Logically the color of Aisha’s eyes wouldn’t work as an indicator for her mood, because they’re not mood rings!
but Claira couldn’t, This is a really awkward way to toss in that Claira is colorblind. It’s just, shunted into the middle of the description. This whole story is written like it was intended to be a chapter for something, probably Dimensional (back when it was still in the original series), in which case Claira would have already been an established character and none of these extra notes about her would be necessary.
instead, she saw that the mutant’s cat tail and ears had receded, and took that as a good sign, that was a mistake. Hella run-on, by the way.
“Darkstar-” Claira Klein, deadnaming before younger me even knew what deadnaming was. Although, I guess this technically isn’t deadnaming, since Darkstar came after Aisha, and Aisha is trying to return to her original name so…?
“That’s not my name.” Aisha cut her off.
“Aisha,” Claira corrected herself, “ What happened with you and Rayalis?”
“She plans to leave and go to Bri Shrall.” Where’s Bri Shrall? I assume it’s a dimension? Is it a dangerous one? Why does it matter that Raya is going to this completely unexplained “””Bri Shrall”””?
“Anything else?” Even Claira isn’t certain why it matters where Raya is going. Because Raya is an independent character and can make her own decisions.
“What do you mean by that?” Wut r dialogue tages.
“You two never fight, why now?”
The teen Which teen? looked over at Claira, “You shouldn’t be prodding.”
Two seconds later, Aisha was baring fangs and claws and Claira was hurriedly backing out of the tent with a near silent shriek of surprise. *sudden scene change!* Only to be replaced by Aura, who, for a shy, easily frightened meadow elf, was acting strangely worked up. Meet Aura Plintethik, the youngest-ever member of the Gaian-fricking-Queens, a.k.a. the matriarchy of elves around the world. Apprentice to Myrale Quinlen; professional badass. But don’t worry, she’s a shy, timid, and in general underwhelmingly pathetic bean.
She marched intently up to Aisha and promptly slapped her full in the face. Aisha deserved it. The cat-girl stood there for a minute, sorting what had just happened out, then she crossed her arms and looked up at Aura, who was naturally tall and four years older. *does math in head* *nods approvingly* *scrolls past this later* *re-does math and frowns*
“What was that for?” She asked, the slap hadn’t even left a mark, which wasn’t surprising considering the elf queen, whom to anybody’s knowledge, had never hurt anything or anyone on purpose since the day she was born. Aura really is a naturally kind character and probably wouldn’t hurt anyone unless absolutely necessary. But she for damn sure would leave a mark if she full-out slapped someone. She’s an elf queen not a damn meadow mouse.
“What ever the heck you did to make Rayalis so upset!” Rayalis had many friends on Earth, Aura, seventh elf queen of Gaia being first and foremost. The only accurate thing in this story, and it might not even be accurate anymore because of the removal of Rayalis from the main story to a spin-off series.
“What I did? She’s the one leaving!”
“ To visit her family!” Who knows how Aura got that information. You’d think Raya would have pointed it out while they were arguing the first time, seeing as it would have ended the argument pretty quickly.
Darkstar *Aisha. Why is this so difficult for younger me to grasp. This is my own character I’m misnaming. faltered, “What?”
“She heard news that surviving members of her family might be living secretly in some odd niche of Aay Lrisse’s sister dimension.” Is this referencing Bri Shrall? Yes. Will anyone understand it? No. And, excessive exposition through dialogue is unprofessional and annoying.
“Oh, I thought-” Aisha felt foolish, if she had known Rayalis was going to find her family- people the blue-haired girl had supposedly lost a long time ago- the mutant would have offered to help rather than tried to keep the girl from going off on another break-neck dangerous ‘adventure’. No one reading this story will know anything about Raya’s family situation because the only existing piece writing about it belongs to the 2013 NES Shadow Arc. Therefore no one cares about why Raya is visiting her family instead of adventuring.
A sharp cry pierced the air. It sounded like Rayalis.I…I mean… how. How did it sound like Rayalis? Screaming is screaming.
Aura and Aisha swapped looks, then both bolted out of the tent. Yes, please take a moment to stare at each other before going to help what you assume is your screaming friend.
Aisha got there first, <unnecessary comma> and saw Rayalis clutching her forearm and retreating into the shadows. Where did these shadows come from?
“Raya?” That had better be rhetorical, I swear.
“I’m fine.” Rayalis spoke through gritted teeth. Aisha looked at the spot she was retreating from; A large patch of sunlight, and she realized what happened. Rayalis was UV allergic, any exposure to earth’s bright sun caused her to burn almost instantly. Every single story I ever tried to write with Raya, including the RPs she was spawned for, has a scene like this. I’m way too fond of toasting this character via the sun.
She was by her friends side in an instant, taking Rayalis’s sunburned arm from her and inspecting it. “Sunburned” “sunburned”, honey it’s a little more severe than that.
The burn wasn’t too bad, but it definitely have hurt. Aisha took a bottle of water off her utility belt, and poured the cool spring water over the burn. I have so many questions. Where did the utiltity belt come from. Why is the water bottle clipped to the belt, where it would no doubt bounce all over the place and get in the way? How is it possible that the water in this bottle is still cool? Rayalis grimaced and bit her lip. That’s when Aisha finally realized that earth was too dangerous a place for Raya. Oh, it is not. If vampires survive, Aay Lrissans can too.
She emptied the bottle, and clamped a square piece of cloth, handed to her by Aura, on the burn. Where did Aura get the cloth?
The sun would always be there, and Raya would always have to hide from it. Did I just casually delete night from this world?
If there was ever need to run, to get away quickly and immediately, Rayalis would be caught, or would roast. The summary of the first chapter of Dimensional .
She was far safer on her home planet and other’s like it. It’s not mentioned anywhere in this story that Aay Lrisse doesn’t have a sun, and it’s not mentioned that there are any other dimensions like Aay Lrisse, which makes this sentence extra useless. Set up your dramatic inner monologues properly, kids!
“Raya, I’m sorry.” She apologized. Rayalis looked up at Aisha.
“I was being a jerk, I should have helped you, not argued with you.” Aisha frowned,
“I want you to go to Bri Shrall, I want you to find your family, I really do, but I’m afraid of losing my best friend.” This should be a single paragraph, but to make up for all the run-on sentences I chopped it up into tiny pieces.
Rayalis broke into smiles, and she hugged the cat-girl tight. Multiple smiles because she has multiple mouths..
“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have called you a cat-freak and shouted like that.”
Aisha grinned too, and hugged Rayalis back.
“Now, let’s see about that trip to Bri Shrall, eh?” The most Canadian thing any of my characters has ever said in the history of dialogue. Burn it.
See more stories by Unclever Re