rules aren't meant to bend
Posted September 18th, 2023 by dust
in
September 18th, 2023
i didn't hear all of my mother's words. they were one large ball of a garbled mess. an alien language that didn't reach my head. my stupid, stupid head. though, dispite the fog that repleace my mind, a few sounds got through.
"Nana is dead."
and my world stopped for a moment. i didnt breathe or bink. i just... sat there. useless as ever, hm? the fog cleared, the sharp jab of reality mutilating my innocence. nana is dead. that kind, loving soul. dead dead dead dead. i'd never see her, id never talk to her. there wasn't a goodbye, there was a rush to the hospital. and a night of tears. and then, there's this. death. i knew about death. ive seen it. i knew it crushed people beyond the limits of sane thought. but i never knew it felt like this. a gap in time and space. hours and hours crammed into a second. and that second has passed. i sucked in a breath. and then came the memories. the laugher, the smiles, and the warmth. then came the feelings. those of longing and regret. and then my vision blurred. tears. why am i crying? oh, yeah.
"...she died on the way to the hospital..."
i was here.
i was here, moping around my home, while my grandmother was dying in the back of a sad excuse for a van.
what the hell was i doing?!
i only wouldve gotten in the way.
anger. rage. so, so much fury. new fires and old ones blazed as the floodgates loosened.
i got up
and walked away
i kept walking
and i walked into my room.
that was because of me, wasnt it? why the hell would it be me? thats just a selfish thing. i didnt cause anything. im just an annoying fly on the wall.
so many thoughts buzzed through my mind as i curled up on my bed. one i probably didnt deserve.
so this is death, hm? the outside, at least. peering into the edge of lost souls. i wasnt to only one. but i suppose im too selfish to aknowlegde the other ones.
and she was gone. gone. dead. six feet under. who cares? i shoundnt. because death is part of life. and living meant accepting life as a whole.
right?
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