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Zombie Birthday (Chapter 3) (Ready For Action)

Zombie Birthday (Chapter 3) (Ready For Action)

Posted October 7th, 2020 by ElizieAngelina

by Elizabeth
in Texas

October 12th, 2020

My birthday is on Friday, and I'm worried. I get all the information I possibly can, and soon, I present my information to Jack.

~~~

Train Ride Incident: A kid had his foot in the way of a train, he got his foot run over

Bumper Boats Incident: A kid was pushed out of one of the bumper boats, drowned in the pool beneath them

Tea Cups Incident: A group of teens decided they were going to spin the teacup so fast, the teacup ended up falling on someone's foot

The Smasher Incident: The ride, while on a loop, fell off the tracks and everyone on the seats got a concussion 

Arcade Incident: A kid decided to carry his drink to the arcade area, he later spilled it onto a ride and got electrocuted

3-D Experience Incident: The water from one of the water engines got into a kid's eye, blinding that eye

~~~

Jack looks at the paper and says, "Wow, Julian. You really outdid yourself," with wide eyes.

I shrug and say, "No, this was all just from research."

"But you know more than I do," Jack says, with that same wide-eyed look. 

After school, I see Veronica and Dylan stretching on the grass. "Yoga," I think. "It's definately yoga."

I walk over to them, and say, "Hey, mates!"

They quickly notice me and say, "Hey, Julian!" 

"How are you doing?" Veronica says.

"Well...I made this track of incidents at Lunar Kingdom," I say, pulling out the list of rides.

Veronica winces and Dylan says, "Dude, there were incidents at all the rides?"

"Yes," I say, hanging my head down.

The same honk from Mom as always. As I run to her car, I yell, "Keep on with your yoga!" to Dylan and Veronica.

"We will!" Veronica yells behind me.

As I get into Mom's car, she says, "How are you doing, honey?"

"Well, Mom," I say as I pull out the list, "Here are the rides at Lunar Kingdom that were affected by incidents."

Mom takes a good look at the list, and says, "Wow. Not good," then she hands the list back.

"Mom?" I ask.

"Yes, honey?" Mom replies. 

"Is anything happening today?"

"Well," Mom says curling her hair around her finger, "I thought I could take you to a haunted house since your birthday is coming up,

and I wanted to give you a little surprise." 

"Really, Mom?" I say with joy. "Thank you so much!"

2 hours later, we're heading to the haunted house. Soon, I notice that we are forced to get in a car.

"Mom, why are there cars?" I ask.

"Well, Julian, the cars are here to make the experience more fun," Mom says as she drags me into a seat with many other people.

~~~

As we get back to our car, I quickly doze off. Mom notices and carries me to bed that night. I guess mothers really do love you.

 


See more stories by Elizabeth
...Wow. In light of this

...Wow. In light of this chapter all my questions from last chapter are irrelevant. Julian is indeed worried about Lunar Kingdom and he is telling his friends and his mom. The implication is that he won't go now. Jack seems unsettled, too, where he just seemed mean before.

My question for this chapter is: why include Jack's trip with his mother to the haunted house and not describe it? He gets in a car, and then suddenly he's home. I think you're in an uncomfortable middle here. You're spending more time than I'd consider a short mention of an event and less time than I'd need to feel satisfied that I understand what happened in the haunted house. You could sum it up in two sentences: "My mom gave me an early birthday surprise and took me to a haunted house. I guess she really does love me." On the other hand, you could give a blow-by-blow, expanding the story where the three squiggles are and telling us all that happens after Julian gets in the car at the haunted house. Either choice would make more sense (to me) than what you have now.

I really love the mental image and the affection you show here: "As we get back to our car, I quickly doze off. Mom notices and carries me to bed that night." I really love that sentence, and I really love that Julian has a good relationship with his mom.

That's all I got for you for now. Talk to you later.

Good yard,

(Warmest regards)

Snow

Posted by Tía Snow on Wed, 10/14/2020 - 18:19

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